Flatula, Absurdistan (CNSNews.com) - An abrupt walk-out by US and Israeli delegations today rocked the first annual United Nations Global Symposium Against Colonialism, Genocide, Zionism and Parking Tickets, prompting harsh criticism from the international diplomatic community and calls for increased American monetary aid and 'Baywatch' videos.
"It is indeed unfortunate that the representatives of the United States and the Zionist criminal entity have turned their backs on international cooperation," said conference chairman Falafel Al-Pita in a tersely worded response. "It is especially troubling after we had sold out tickets for the 'sink the Zionist pig' dunking booth."
Al-Pita, the dapper Oxford-educated Absurdistani foreign minister, had high hopes that the conference would help resolve longstanding issues between the developing world and the industrialized West.
Birth of a Symposium
Al-Pita first proposed the conference last year while serving as Absurdistan's ambassador to the U.N., after a 9-limousine pileup on New York's FDR Drive.
"It was a landmark day for international cooperation," he recalls. "My car was sideswiped by the official Moribundi car, then rear-ended by the official delegation from Surrealia. We fishtailed and clipped the limousines from Chad, then Jeremi, and finally plowed into the state Cadillac of Klmvshztroacznya. There were flags, goats and poultry everywhere."
Awaiting tow trucks and animal control workers, Al-Pita said tempers were at a boiling point. "It was truly a sad sight - leaders of the developing world engaged in open conflict, spitting on each others' dashikis and burnoose, insulting each others' livestock."
Amid this street corner chaos, Al-Pita saw the opportunity for detente.
"The situation called for delicate diplomacy," he says. "Using my discretion as a member of the International Development Committee, I offered all of the aggrieved parties two oxen and free passes to the 'Scores' gentleman's club."
Al-Pita's timely offer seemed to quell the brewing international incident, and the parties quickly agreed that the responsibility for the conflict rested clearly with neocolonialist traffic regulations.
"In my country, the right-of-way belongs to the driver with the largest herd," complained Betcha Baigalli-Wau, assistant foreign minister and chauffeur of Zagnut Republic. "This international convention is freely flaunted in New York, in open violation of Resolution 362 of the United Nations Drivers Ed Charter."
Other parties to the incident complained of confusing, and arguably racist, Western traffic signals. "In Moronico, blue means 'stop,' while green indicates a pestilence zone," said that country's ambassador, Sixpac Obud.
As complaints mounted, Al-Pita suggested a U.N.-sponsored conference where impoverished nations could work to seek redress for grievances against the West.
"It was soon clear that the issues facing the developing world go far beyond mere fender-benders," says Al-Pita. "Everyday we are faced with the many scourges of colonialism - racism, poverty, debt, shortages of Hai Karate cologne."
Coalescing Coalitions
A working group of diplomats headed by Falafel Al-Pita and Betcha Baigalli-Wau proposed the conference idea to the UN Human Rights Council, where it caught the imagination of Council Secretary and former Cuban Truth Minister, Genito Electrez.
"For too long the West has treated us with contempt, refusing us trade credits and Studebaker head gaskets," he said, announcing his endorsement of the conference. He was seconded by Human Rights Council Undersecretary, Sing Reel Hi of North Korea.
At the suggestion of Falafel Al-Pita, the Absurdistani capital of Flatula was chosen as the site of the symposium due to its natural beauty and abundance of servant huts. The UN also supplied a $1 billion grant to the nation to construct a four-star hotel to host the event. Unfortunately, construction had to be halted after two months.
Al-Pita's brother Tabouli, who managed the project from his new home in Zurich, explained, "It is very expensive to build in Flatula."
From Oobi Doobi to Kajagoogoo to Ramalama Dhing Djong, the developing world was soon abuzz over the conference, but an official agenda was never published before last week. The United Nations had set up a web discussion group for organizers, but only two of the participating governments have thus far legalized computers.
Due to the lack of agenda, the U.S. government expressed reluctance to attend the symposium. In an official response declining an invitation, Secretary of State Colin Powell expressed regrets, noting, "I am unfortunately due for a tire rotation that weekend, and my Pep Boys coupon expires September 3."
A Reluctant U.S. Presence
Bowing to international pressure, the US eventually relented and appointed a delegation headed by Third Executive Assistant to the Deputy Assistant Undersecretary for Intergovernmental Golf Outings, Bob Thud.
Unlike the official US government response, conference organizers found an enthusiastic audience among US-based non-governmental organizations.
Among those sending delegates to the conference were: The Urban Action Coalition for Progress, The Coalition for Active Progressive Urbanism, the Action Progress Network, the Progressive Alliance for Coalition Action Networks, and the People's Coordinated Urban Action Coalition Alliance for Progressive Public Affairs Network.
"These American NGOs were critical to the success of the symposium," said organizer Ghetitong Banghagong of Bananarama. "They brought ideas, organizing principles, and injected thousands of dollars into the local sandal economy. It got to where we didn't even notice their smell."
Sensitive to charges of anti-Western bias, organizers selected a European - Norwegian Thorvald Raggnnarrssonn, 96 - to serve as plenary chairman. Raggnnarrssonn is well known in the diplomatic community as the architect of the 1939 Polish-German peace pact.
When the symposium convened earlier this week, delegates began the hard work of fine-tuning resolutions and hammering out documents - literally.
"We decided to forgo the dehumanizing word processing technology of the West for traditional papyrus and stone tablets," explained Shrina Fez of Al-Anon. "Plus, Absurdistan has been in a three-year electricity blackout."
What was in those documents prompted some concern among the Western delegations.
Delegates from Macaroon, site of last year's bloody civil war between the Jujubes and the Marzipans, demanded $3 billion in American and British reparations for war damages.
While neither the UK nor the U.S. took an official stance in the war, Macarooni Foreign Secretary Henry Mmmbop said the strife was a lingering symptom of British colonial rule, the end of British colonial rule in 1947, and America's recent secret embargo of snappy 'Member's Only' disco jackets.
Other African nations, including Ivory Keys, Gapkhaki and Hepme Rhonda, filed a scathing resolution blasting historic U.S. slavery and demanded $200 billion in US aid, grants, loans and prepaid telephone cards.
Surrealia's official signatory, Haile Inane, reassured the East African Slave Marketing Association that, if ratified, the document would not affect Surrealia's busy slave trade. "We hope to have another record breaking year, guys," he added enthusiastically.
Heirs of Liberian strongman Samuel K. Doe were also on hand, demanding American royalties for the 1962 novelty song "Mother In Law," by the late R&B;singer, Ernie K. Doe.
Women's Issues, Debt Placed on Agenda
Grievances were not limited to colonialism and racism. One resolution, authored with the help of the National Organization for Women, sought reparations for "the hundreds of millions of women who have suffered under the yoke of America's exported sexism."
The resolution was not ratified, possibly because the vote was scheduled to take place during full moon in the holy week of Fhay Rhay, a time when Absurdistani custom calls for the ritual shunning and random sacrifice of females.
Other conference attendees demanded relief from the crushing debt loads they owe to the West.
"Thanks to the cheapskates at the World Bank who wouldn't extend our loan, my impoverished homeland has six unfinished hydroelectric dams," said Steven Idi, president of Tutututsi-Goobai. "The shame is so great, I have been forced to move to Zurich. And also to the Cayman Islands."
While many of the symposium resolutions were written in harsh language, others were more flexible in approach. One draft in the plenary document demanded increased Visas from Western industrialized nations, but held open other options, including MasterCards, AmEx, or Discover.
The United States delegation remained quiet throughout the early sessions of the symposium, until the topic quickly turned to Israel.
On Tuesday, Absurdistani chairman Al-Pita introduced enabling language condemning "the rogue Nazi Zionist criminal state that dares splatter its filthy swine blood on the mufti of the exploding martyrs," and called for "immediate incineration of the Satan-dogs."
Al-Pita's remarks were quickly challenged as "entirely too weak" by Mustafa Sigaret, chairman of the delegation from Ashtrei.
Nascar delegate Hemi Mopar offered an amendment further condemning Israel as "Heil-Hitler Nazi pigs" and successfully inserted language calling for "an internationally-brokered final solution to the Zionist problem."
This was apparently too much for the American and Israeli delegations, who departed the hall for the Flatula International Bus Depot. American delegate Bob Thud called the remarks "disappointing."
"I look forward to returning to Washington, where I will file a report with Secretary Powell and start my sophomore year at Georgetown," said Thud, 19. "Go Hoyas."
With the departure of the Americans and Israelis, the conference seems to be losing some momentum. Britain is now hinting at withdrawal, as are Canada and Australia. Even veteran civil rights activist Jesse Jackson was seen leaving town last night, hitching a ride on an outbound satellite truck.
Despite the partial unraveling, conference organizer Falafel Al-Pita calls the conference "an unqualified success" and is energized about returning to U.N. Headquarters to deliberate the resolutions.
"I am anxious to return to New York, get my limo from the body shop, and do the hard diplomatic work of wiping out Zionism," he says.
Danny Iacobucci of A-1 Collision Repair in Bensonhurst, Queens, thinks Al-Pita may have to wait a while. "Yeah, we fixed his car, but he ain't gettin' it back," he says.
"The guy at the State Department put a stop-payment on the repair check."
Copyright 2001 David Burge. Email iowahawk_98@yahoo.com |
