Roscoe Karns
Since Feb 9, 1998

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....Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, welcome to Hardball.

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....I want you to tell us what it was like to have two 500-pound bombs dropped on
....your head. That must have been something!
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....But first, let me get your reaction to a breaking story. I'm told that you were heard to have
....mumbled something as you were being carried out from the wreckage. Is that true? Because
....if it is, that's just bizzare! Well, is it? True, I mean?

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....Listen, before we get into that, tell me, do the Iraqi's even want a democracy?
....I've been saying for some time that Iraq is not ready for a full-fledged Jeffersonian
....democracy- it's just not going to happen.--Say, is it me or is it getting warm in here?
....Abu, do you find it warm in here? Well, probably not, considering you practically grew
....up in the desert- Ha! But it's a dry heat over there, isn't it? Good for growing dates. That
....reminds me, Abu, what exactly is the difference between a date and a fig? I've
....always wondered about...

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Er, Chris?

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....Howard Fineman, my man!

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....I don't think Mr. al-Zarqawi can hear you.

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....Right, right...do either of you guys think Bush will get a boost in
....the polls over this? Abu, you first.

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....Nothing, eh? I hear ya. Well, thanks for coming on the show, Abu, I really
....learned a lot from you.

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You must be wondering why I summoned you, Klink.

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Yes. Why did you call me here?

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I won't beat around the bush, Klink. We need you to infiltrate the DNC.

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What!?? But how?!?

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Leave that to me , Klink. Right now I want you to lose the monocle, shave
the sides of your head and put on a suit. Do that and report back here on the
double!

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1/2 an hour later...

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Excellent, Klink! Even better than we had anticipated! From here on out you will
be addressed only as James Carville. By the time we're through with you you'll be
walking and talking just like Ol' Corporal Cue-ball himself! In the meantime, we'll
make arrangements to keep the real James Carville on ice.
Now, let me show you my plan..........

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Are you alright, honey? You seem a little out of
sorts this morning.

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Oh, I'm fine, fine -never felt better! But I must hurry along, darling,
I don't want to be late for my appointment with Herr Dean!

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Herr Dean???

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Did I say Herr Dean? How silly of me, I meant Howard Dean of course.
Oh my, look at the time! Auf Wiedersehen, my little apple-strudel!

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Hmmm...

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Great to see you again, James.

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Danke!

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Dunkin'? Good idea! Shirley, send out
for some Dunkin' Donuts and some coffee.

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Right.

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And don't call me Shirley!

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Now, let's get down to business. As you know I have a fifty state
strategy for winning back the house and the senate this fall, but we need to
get our message out. That's where you come in, James. I want you to hit the
talkshow circuit with the talking points I'll give you and hammer home our message.

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Wunderbar!

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A Wunderbar? After all those donuts? No thanks.

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How did it go at your meeting today, sweetheart?

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Herr Dean wants me to appear on all the talkshows next
week.... do we have any wienerschnitzel, liebling?

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Again with the Herr Dean?? And you hate wienerschnitzel! - Oh, and
James, you have to do something with your dogs. They got
loose again today and completely destoyed the garden.

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Nonsense! There has never been an escape from Stalag 13!

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What the hell are you talking about, James???

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Oh... I'm just a little tired I guess. It's been a long day and
I have to see Herr Dean again in the morning - Gute Nacht!

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Definitely weird city...

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Alright, James, you're going to be on Russert's show Sunday morning and he can
be tough, so let's run through your talking points together. I'll play Tim Russert. Ready?

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Yes, Herr Dean.

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Herring? Not now, James. Perhaps for lunch.

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Now, let's begin...
Ahem-- Democrat strategist James Carville, welcome to Meet the Press. Tell
us, what plan do Democrats have for winning the war in Iraq?

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Tim, the White House's strategy of stay the course is not working. Virtually
all the Generals I've spoken with agree on that fundamental point.

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A very provocative statement. Can you
name those Generals for us?

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Name them? Well I... let me see...

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Can you name one?

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One? But of course,Tim...I...um....

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Well?

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General Burkhalter?

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General Burkhalter???

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And Maj. Hochstetter. True, he's not a General, Tim, but...

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WHO THE @#&# is MAJ. HOCHSTETTER??!!?

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Wait a minute... are you still Tim Russert?

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Ok, James, let's call it a day. Brush-up on
your talking points and we'll meet again tomorrow.

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Months later...


Dick, Operation Switcheroo was a complete success! Having Klink
bomb on all those shows put the final nail in the Democrats' coffin. Our
polling has Republican favorables way up in all congressional districts!

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That's great, Karl! Good job! And Klink? What happened with him?

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Klink spent 6 weeks with Howard Dean- it was too much for him and he
cracked. Went bonkers. I'm talking nuttier than a squirrel turd! It appears
he is convinced that Adolph Hitler has been reincarnated as
a Balinese Semi-longhair cat that speaks only to him!

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Adolph Hitler as a cat! Ha ha ha!

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Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

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HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

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............................................ ha ha ha... Ok, Dick, hang up now. ....................... You first...

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Klink!!! Klink, you dummkopf!!! Get in here and change
zee channel! It's almost time for zee David Hasselhoff
Biography - The Knight Rider Years!

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We have a possible troll sighting in sector 5. Need confirmation. Insert initial greeting program.

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Sending.

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To: I_Luv_Ann_Coulter!

Welcome to Free Republic.

Posted on 07/28/2006 9:03:56 PM EDT by Bob


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No response yet, Jim.

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Proceed with Enhanced Engagement Mode.

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Sending.

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To: I_Luv_Ann_Coulter!

You signed up today to post this?

Posted on 07/28/2006 9:10:12 PM EDT by max


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To: I_Luv_Ann_Coulter!

Go back to DU!

Posted on 07/28/2006 9:11:02 PM EDT by carol


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To: carol

DU?? I've never heard of a DU. What's a DU???

Posted on 07/28/2006 9:13:22 PM EDT by I_Luv_Ann_Coulter!


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Troll sighting confirmed, Jim!

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This could be hugh! Sam, let's have the IBTZ count.

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Current IBTZ count is 24 with 9 mushroom cloud gifs, 3 flaming asteroids and
one picture of Donald Rumsfeld with laser beam eyes and lightning bolts shooting out his left nostril.

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No cats with machine guns?

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No sir.

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What about those two "We're doomed!" guys?

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Nothing yet, Jim.

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Do I have to think of everything? Enable 'doomed' configuration!

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Sending.

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To: I_Luv_Ann_Coulter!


............"WE"RE DOOMED!!"

Posted on 07/28/2006 10:23:34 PM EDT by Hank


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I love those guys! Alright, fire up the ZOT9000!!

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Right, chief!

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How Ralph got the ZOT9000 assignment is beyond me! He has no clue what he's talking about.
---Tell me about it. He just makes crap up as he goes along.

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ZOT9000 advanced systems protocol engaged, Jim! All beebers set to stuned! Oscillation
overthrusters running at one billion jiggiwatts with Flux Capacitor capacitating flux at maximum two
tons per second! Defliberation Laser Transmogrifier speed set to...um... spork-weasel!

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Spork-weasel???

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Spork-weasel, spork-weasel..... just as I thought. No such term exists in the specs.
---Ralph's making crap up again!

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Ralph, did you just say spork-weasel??

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I'm not sure, chief!

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Idiot! I put in the years! I paid my dues! That should be me up there behind the wheel of the ZOT9000!
---It's all politics, Joe.

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Commence ZOT countdown!

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10, 9...

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8, 7, 6...

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5, 4, 3...

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Oh, Bill, isn't this exciting! My nodes are tingling!!

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2, 1...

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ZOTTING!!!
(((RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR)))

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To: I_Luv_Ann_Coulter!; Admin Moderator

Whoa!!! You Zotted that guy in MID POST!! I've never seen anything like it!!!

Posted on 07/28/2006 10:29:38 PM EDT by zeke


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To: Admin Moderator

Props, dude!

Posted on 07/28/2006 10:30:34 PM EDT by bub


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To: bub; Admin Moderator

Props, indeed! I bet that was Ralph!

Posted on 07/28/2006 10:31:21 PM EDT by bev


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To: Admin Moderator; ALL


"Way to go there, Ralphie boy!"

Posted on 07/28/2006 10:33:43 PM EDT by Sid


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Oh, I'm a Baaaaadass!!

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Oh, cripes! Now he's doing the @&%@ moonwalk! I can't
watch this. If anybody wants me I'll be over at the Unnngh & Moose getting drunk.

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To: I_Luv_Ann_Coulter!

IBTZ!!!

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.Hello??

Anyone??

Posted on 07/31/2006 3:02:31 AM EDT by spork weasel


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G8 Summit

.................................................................... Tony, isn't that ElBaradei
...................................................................... over there?
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...............................................You know, I never noticed before
...............................................but he sure looks a lot like Mr Potato Head.
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............................................................................................................... Good God, you're right.
................................................................................................................Bloody odd that is.
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Don't look now, Puty, but get a load of Mr Spud Head.

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.................................................................... What is that, an ......................Ha ha. Stop it Puty!
.................................................................... Idaho Russet?
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He's talking with Singh. I think Singh overheard us.

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The image of Mr. Potato Head in my
mind is to be making me laugh.

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Must. Retain. Composure.

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Ha ha ha! Stop looking at me you two.

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...................................................... He's going to lose it................................ He's dying.
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Lord Vishnu, get me through this hour!

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............ *Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrttttt!*

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.................................................................... sniff sniff

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....................... "What?"

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........ "Whoa!"

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................ Hmmm, Helen!

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................ Helen's burnin' rubber again!

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..................... Oh oh! They suspect me! Think! Think!

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................ "Hmmm hmmm hmmm..."

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*Brrrrrrttt!*

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................ "Great disguise, Helen, but we all know your... um, 'unique
................ questioning style' a mile away. Now, somebody light a match!"

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............ Doh!

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.. I saw Death today, Val.

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.. He challenged me to a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos.

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.. As we were playing, I had a vision. I saw a large
.. frog marching toward me. It spoke ominously, saying....

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"The tea! The tea!"...........................................................

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.................................................................Joska?

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"The sweet mint tea!" ...........................................................

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........................................................... Yes, Joska. Now
........................................................... I understand.

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.. We're talking this morning via satellite from an undisclosed location with Number
.. One, head of operations for SMERSH. He agreed to be on our show on the
.. condition we not show his face. Good morning, Number One.

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.. A pleasure to be here, Mr Russert.

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.. I'm told, Number One, that you came here today because you wanted to address the
.. President of the United States and the American people. Is that correct?

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.. That is correct, Mr Russert. SMERSH demands that your President Bush resign
by noon Tuesday or we shall annihilate three of your major cities.

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.. A very serious ultimatum, Number One.

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.. A deadly serious ultimatum, Mr Russert!
.. Bwahahahahahaha! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

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.. Forgive me for interrupting your maniacal laughter, Number One, but we seem to have temporarily lost
our picture. What... we have our signal back? Please continue, Number One.

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.. As I was saying, Mr Russert, your snippy little election-stealing pResident must
.. leave by...

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.. Al Gore?!!!? Is that you?!!

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.. Er, no, Tim, it's me, Number One. Remember?

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.. We can all see your face in our studio monitors, Al. Well, that's our
.. show. Remember, if it's Sunday, it's Meet the Press.

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.. HE PLAYED ON OUR FEARS!!

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.. Mark my words, folks, if the Democrats keep this up it's going to blow up in their
.. face, bigtime......

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..Tim, we should follow the lead of Congressman John Murtha, the man who many
.. of us simply refer to as "The Hawk", who has put forth a plan to make America
.. safer, to make our military stronger and who will say or do anything to take down
.. a sitting president in a time of war. A war that is unwinnable, I might add, and for
.. which the president has no plan for victory.

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..Yes, Karl, I'm watching her on TV right now and I've just about had enough.
..Take her out. Now.

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..((((Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmm)))

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..Boom!

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..That was mighty fine work, Karl, mighty fine! But now it looks as though
..Ol' Mullah Dean is shooting off his big mouth again...

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..The very idea that we're going to win the war in Iraq is as wrong as apple pie...

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..You know what to do , Karl.

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..((((Hummmmmmmmmmmmmm))))

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..I mean, don't you just hate apple pie?

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..It's not working! Drats! What to do? What to do?

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.. Get me Dick Cheney!

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..Yes! Dick Cheney!...........................Dick, do you read me? It's me, Karl!

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..Karl? You're coming in a little
fuzzy - hold on a minute...

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..Ok, you're coming in loud and clear. What seems to be the problem? Yes.
.. Yes. Dean again,huh. I see. Alright, Karl, Routine 21 on three! One, two...

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..((((Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm))))

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..At the Copa ,Hey! Copacabana!
..The hottest spot north of Havana!

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..((((Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!)))

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..I'm too sexy for my shirt- too sexy for my shirt
..So sexy it hurts

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..((((HUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!)))

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..Good work! Both of you!

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.........................
..Nice working with you again, Dick. Dick?....................... Where'd he go?

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..To infinity and beyoooooooond!!

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..Greetings friends and conversationalists, all across the fruited plain. Well, well,
..well, has El Rushbo ever got a See I Told Ya So for you...

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Down on his luck, the Great William Rivers Pitt
attemps a low profile career change.

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"I hear there's a new plucker starting today."
"Yep, here he comes now."

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..

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.. "Holy crap! They hired Billy Jack!"
.."Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!"
.. "What a poser!"

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.. "Just as I figured- they're awe struck. Well, guess I'll get started"

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.. "Just a minute there, newbie. You haven't been through basic training yet. Let's
.. see if you can pluck this here toy chicken first."

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.. "Toy chicken? Man, you redstate hicks kill me! But, just to show you
.. what a good sport I am, I'll humor you and pluck your stupid
.. toy chicken. This should take all of 2 seconds."

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..

20 minutes later...
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.. "Huff...huff.. ok..huff.. gimme back my stuff."

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.. "No, seriously, give me back my stuff."
.. "Please?"

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............ "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!"
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