Posted on 08/25/2006 12:39:47 AM PDT by sully777
Happy now???
Happy Friday! :)
Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...
If you don’t know what it is, call it an ‘issue’…
If you don’t know how it works, call it a ‘process’…
If you don’t know whether its worth doing, call it an ‘option’…
If you don’t know how it could possibly be done call it a ‘challenge’ or an ‘exciting opportunity’…
If you want to confuse people, ask them about ‘customers’…
If you don’t know how to do something, ‘empower’ someone else to do it for you…
If you can’t take decisions, ‘create space’ for others to operate…
If you need a decision, call a ‘workshop’ to ‘network’ and ‘ground the issue’, followed by an ‘awayday’ to ‘position the elephant in the room’ and achieve ‘buy-in’…
Never criticize or boast, call it ‘information sharing’…
Never call something a failure or mistake, its a ‘positive learning experience’…
Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’…
Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace...
(they also work as taglines)
If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights…
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt…
Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted…
It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do…
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before…
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get…
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat…
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day…
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves…
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it…
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office…
Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back…
Everything can be filed under “pending.”…
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour…
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy…
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing…
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail…
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it…
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk…
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t…
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done…
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying…
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried…
Following the rules will not get the job done…
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules…
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”…
No matter how much you do, you never do enough…
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong…
Thanks for the ping, but no thanks if this is what the thread is gonna be about.
I'm way way way happier!!!!
Could post a picture of me, that would have you ROFL.
LOL...nice. :)
The last line definitely applies here! :)
Relieving Stress at Work
1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male co-workers.)
3. Address your boss as "your excellency".
4. When your boss turns on his laser pointer in a conference meeting, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
5. Sniff suspiciously at your boss and ask if she/he's been drinking.
6. Correct your boss at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
7. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when your boss can't understand you.
8. Wink at your boss every few minutes.
9. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the office.
10. Start a "wave" in the conference room.
How are you?
Hi!
butter.
King crab legs...mmmmm.
Hello.
They can take my blaster when they pry it from my..hey!
Doctor: "I have bad news and good news."
Patient: "What is it?"
Doctor:"The bad news is that you have a prevously unknown and presentlt incurable fatal disease."
Patient: "Oh no -- but what could be the good news?"
Doctor: " We're naming it after you!"
Check your mail.
Thanks Pryro. It was late and I must've forgotten something in the formula.
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