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ORIGINAL FAKE LETTER TO HELP THE KERRY CAMPAIGN I have created on nice parchment, a letter purportedly to be from a man named James Edgerton. James, of course, does not really exist as he is being presented here, but that does not really matter to Terry McAuliffe and the Kerry campaign. The winning bidder can present the letter to Dan Rather and others in the media wing of the DemocRATic Party. Trust me, they won’t care whether it is real; they simply want to do anything to take down our president. Be a hero and help John Kerry and his sinking campaign! I only have 22 originals of this, so hurry. Each one will be numbered. Included in the price is a certificate of authenticity that says: THE DOCUMENT HERETO ATTACHED IS CERTIFIED TO NOT BE A FAKE. The certificate will be signed by someone I find on the street who will claim to be a Clinical Letterologist. ================================================ Date: September 12, 2004 Washington, D.C. To Whom It Could Possibly Concern I, James Edgerton, declare as follows: I am a second cousin of John Kerry and was born in France. Although I am one year older, an inch shorter, and have a mole on my left butt cheek that looks like Katie Couric, I am almost an exact double for him. I am the one who typed the phony reports that got him his medals. I am the one who appeared before the Senate in 1971 and told all the lies about our soldiers being war criminals and baby killers. I am the one who threw away the medals. I am the one who appeared at all the demonstrations. I am the one who debated John O’Neill and worked really hard on that silly accent and pronunciation of Jen-jis Khan. I am the one who was chummy with Jane Fonda. I am the one who attended the meeting in Kansas City in November of 1971 when we discussed whether senators should be whacked for supporting the war. I am the one who spoke in favor of a nuclear freeze and voted against all the weapons systems. I am the one who has been absent from the Senate for most of the hearings and votes during the last year and a half. Hey, I have been ill. I am the one who threw the ball like a girl at Fenway. I am the one who insulted the Packer fans by calling their hallowed gridiron “Lambert Field.” I am the one who voted for the $87 billion before voting against it. I am the one who had to explain to TaRAYza what chili was at Wendy’s. John was on the bus getting a head start on the catered gourmet food. On November 2, I urge all of you to vote for John Kerry. All the bad things he is accused of doing were really done by me. I am very sorry. Karl Rove put me up to it and has paid me a great deal of money so I wouldn’t have to be a gigolo. That runs in the family. Sincerely, (original signature to be inserted) James D. Edgerton (aka, John Forbes Kerry) |
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