[RexBeach]

"I went to my doctor the other day. You know my doctor don't yah? Dr. Vinnie Boombatz? I said I don't know what's wrong with me. I got up this morning looked in the mirror and wanted to throw up. My doc, he says, I don't know what's wrong with you, but your eyesight's perfect! So I says I want a second opinion! He says, OK, you're ugly, too!"

"I tell yah. I don't no respect!"

[SerpentDove]

I once dated a girl with pigtails...under her ARMS.

---

I told my kid about the birds and the bees--he told me about my wife and the butcher.

---

One time I got lost from my parents--I asked a cop, "Do you ever think I'll find them?" he said, "I don't know, kid, there are so many places they could hide."

BA-DOMP-BOMP!!!

Loved ya, Rodney.

[Skooz]

What a coincedence. Night before last, I watched "Caddyshack" for the first time in 20 years. Rodney was hilarious in that movie. Funny, funny man. RIP.

[mitchbert]

I tell ya my kids give me no respect. They enrolled in a private school. They won't tell me where it is.

[Bloody Sam Roberts]

"My wife's cooking was so bad that the flies all chipped in to get the screen door repaired."

[RexBeach]

"I went to my doctor the other day. You know my doctor don't yah? Dr. Vinnie Boombatz? I said I don't know what's wrong with me. I got up this morning looked in the mirror and wanted to throw up. My doc, he says, I don't know what's wrong with you, but your eyesight's perfect! So I says I want a second opinion! He says, OK, you're ugly, too!"

"I tell yah. I don't get no respect!"

[silverleaf]

"When I was dating my wife she told me I was 'one in a million'. I found out she was right!"

[catch]

I once went out with a woman, she was so old that when she was in school they didn't teach history.

[ko_kyi]

"I told my son, I said 'kid, one day you will have kids of your own,' he said 'so will you'"

"I called my wife from work, I said "Honey, I can't wait to get there and make love to you," - she said, "who is this?"

[ItsOurTimeNow]

Rodney, handling a heckler:

Heckler: "You stink! Don't quit your day job!"
Rodney: "But if I don't find guys for your sister, who will?"

[atomicweeder]

My favorite:

"I only get girls because of who I am . . . a rapist!"

[TexasCajun]

I don't ever remember R.D. having to use vulgarity to get a laugh like so many comedians do today!

[DCPatriot]

"My wife is such a bad cook, that the flies in the neighborhood chipped in to have the screen door fixed."

< rimshot >

[joesnuffy]

Always look out for #1 but be sure not to step in #2

[Mannaggia l'America]

"I'll tell ya, my wife, boy is she fat. She went on one of those exercise shows on television. She started jumping up and down -- my TV fell off the stand!"

[Balata]

Why get married? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

[Uncle Vlad]

Oh, that doctor of mine, you know my doctor, Dr. Vinnie Boom Bahts? I told him, "My teeth are turning yellow."

He said, "Wear a brown necktie."

Then he told me, "You're crazy." I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Alright, you're ugly, too."
I called him on the phone. I said, "Doc, I accidentally swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
With me, nothin' works. Last week, I bought a Japanese car. I turned the radio on. I can't understand a word they say.

And my wife. You know, she cut me down to once a month. I know three guys she cut out altogether.

It's always been that way. All I ever got were fat girls. One girl I went out with, ooh, was she fat.

HOW FAT WAS SHE?

Her bathtub had stretch marks, okay?

[Sybeck1]

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

[CAPTAINSUPERMARVELMAN]

"My wife and I we brought a dog that was so dumb that we named him Egypt, because he left a pyramid in every room."

We'll miss ya Rodney...

(Will someone please shut the little fat bastard up!!!--Rodney Dangerfield "Easy Money")

[Elephino]

I flew into town last; asked the cab driver where I could find some action; he took me to my house.

I got arrested for flashing; they took me to small claims court.