Free Republic

Here me out: first, they kind of look alike, so nobody would notice.

I’m madder than church lady with a dirty doily! So now the government is sending out special inspectors around the country, to check out church bazaars and yard sales. How come? Because you might be selling something “dangerous”! No, not, like, pickle jars full of arsenic or live leftover shells from WWII. They mean… kids’ toys with teeny tiny parts! It’s true: the government is starting to go after thrift shops, poking through all those stinky orange muumuus and dusty Readers Digests and chipped tea cups to see if anybody is selling “blacklisted” toys and other crap. Hell, thrift shops...

I’m madder than a three-legged dog at a fire hydrant! All through that damn election, they told us Obama was the greatest speaker since Martin Luther King. But yesterday he sounded more like Mr. Rogers! Yesterday, the Teleprompter Kid was trying to explain why his whole Death Panel Medicine Plan was going down the toilet. He said: “There is something about August going into September where everybody in Washington gets all wee weed up!” I guess that’s how they teach you to talk at those fancy colleges up north! Here’s some other stuff Obama said yesterday that didn’t get reported:...

So I heard I bought some of you new cars last week! When do I get a thank you?! Yeah, I know: you think “the gubmit” gave you a new car, with that Cash for Clunkers thing. Well, who do you think “the gubmit” stole that $4500 from in the first place? Me, and the half of us still stupid enough to pay taxes! I can’t afford to buy a new car. Know why? Cuz the government took my money and gave it to YOU! I don’t get it. I read on the computer machine that these “clunker” cars are...

After years of telling us not to call people “retarded” any more, the Democrats are using the word! That big fat new health care law talks about hospitals taking care of “the mentally retarded”! Between that, the United Negro College Fund and the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People – can somebody tell me how we’re supposed to talk anymore? Even Obama doesn’t know. The Teleprompter Kid joked on Jay Leno that his bowling was “like the Special Olympics.” How come liberals who get mad when people say words like “retarded” are EXACTLY the same folks who made...

I’m madder than a Mexican jumping bean in a chili dog! Today they’re having meetings about that Sonya Sotomayor they want on the Supreme Court. What a disaster! The Teleprompter Kid picked a broad who had to read kids’ books in college, to fix her English! Why not just cut to the chase and appoint Mr. Rogers? I ask you: would a “wise Latina” all herself a “wise Latina” in public? Doesn’t stuff like that make her sound… stupid? If we need a Mexican on this thing, I say we treat her no different than the other ones, and make...

I’m madder than Winston Churchill at an A.A. meeting! Just when I figured Al Gore couldn’t get any nuttier, yesterday he made a fool of himself again. He gave a speech at some fancy British college, and told the kids that fighting global warming was like fighting Hitler. Well, global warming and World War II both had something to do with “gas”, but other than that, I don’t get it. I didn’t drop out of divinity school like Al Gore did, and I didn’t invent the internet or get a hoity toity Nobel Prize, so can somebody explain his speech...

I’m madder than an Eskimo with a busted mukluk! Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska on Friday, and I still can’t get over it. I can’t believe her red high heels won’t be clicking across our national stage anymore. I’ll never see the light flicker off her glasses again, or hear her chirpy voice, or watch her bouncy hair blow in the wind like she was the smart Charlie’s Angel. So let me get this straight: Sarah Palin resigned but Mark Sanford is staying put, Al Franken is Senator and Jesse Jackson’s still not in jail? It’s all a...

I’m madder than a lactose intolerant milkmaid! So while kids in Eye-ran were getting shot and beat up protesting that fake election, what was the Communist-in-Chief doing? Was he writing an amazing speech that would inspire the Eye-ranians, like “tear down this wall”? Maybe he was in all-day meetings figuring out to do when the wrong guy wins over there and shuts off our oil. Nope. The Teleprompter Kid went for ice cream with his kids – and making sure we all knew about it by bringing reporters along! On the campaign trail, Obama wanted to be left alone to...

Once in a while, I don’t mind that Obama too much. Sometimes he does stuff that makes me think Bush and Cheney and Rove are still running the place. Look what happened with those Chinese Muslim terrorists. Of all the places he could’ve sent those bad guys, the Teleprompter Kid picked Palau, some rinky-dink island that says it’s a real country. My nephew tells me it’s the place on that TV show where people eat bugs to win a million bucks. Well, the leaders of this island are doing even better, and they don’t even have to put up with...

Seems some movie star named Megan Fox did what Hollywood types do best: bad mouthing the U.S. of A. to a bunch of foreigners! Megan Fox is in some kind of giant robot movie, and she wishes that instead of destroying the world, the giant robot would “just take out all of the white trash, hillbilly, anti-gay, super bible-beating people in Middle America.” This is pretty crazy, since Megan Fox herself is from Tennessee, where the smartest guy is Al Gore, a big fat idiot who wants the rest of us to use windmills while he lives in a giant...

I’m madder than a mongoose at a cobra convention! If those lie-berals hate Sarah Palin so much, how come they keep talking about her? I heard how that computer thing called ‘the Puffy-Eyed Post’ is saying Sarah Palin plagiarized Newt Gingrich. First off, I had to look up what “plagiarized” was, and I was scared to find out, because knowing Newt, it meant Sarah was doing something dirty to him you gotta pay a hooker double for! Boy, was I relieved when it turned out “plagiarized” just meant...

I’m madder than Count Chocula at a convention of diabetic dentists! Now I’ve heard everything! Seems the Government wants to call Cheerios a “drug”! I thought it might be because breakfast cereal has so much sugar, but it’s some stupid thing about it being a cholesterol medicine, and how big the printing is on the box or whatever. I can’t figure it out, myself, but I’ve seen little kids scarfing down Cheerios like crazy so maybe it IS a drug! Little no-neck monsters leave them tossed around our church every Sunday, too, dammit. Every time I sit in a pew...

Just when you thought we had enough to worry about, there’s a new disease going around. We keep hearing reports from Mexican scientists – hell, I never knew they had scientists down there in the first place! What do they do all day? Predict when the Virgin Mary’s gonna show up again? Invent fart-free beans? Last time we had swine flu, Jimmy Carter was President. He gave people needles and they dropped dead! Typical: Democrats are always...

I’m happier than a parrot in a cracker factory! Our great Navy SEALS rescued that ship’s captain – and killed three of the pirates, too! (Isn’t it amazing how they train those things to shoot guns? Must be some tasty sardines they give them for treats…) The bad news is: one of the pirates is still alive. He’s coming back here to go on trial. That’s crazy! I can tell you just what’ll happen. First, he’ll complain that the Navy didn’t read him his rights in whatever language they speak in Oongaboongaland. Then some famous lawyer will take his case...

I’m as frustrated as a pygmy at a Knicks game! Those damn hippies told us pollution was bad. They made us stop littering – which took the fun out of family car trips! Then they said to stop taking family car trips because they waste gas and make smog. Then because they wanted everyone to stink as bad as they do, the hippies said we couldn’t use deodorant because stuff in the spray can was bad for outer space. But after all that, NASA says getting rid of pollution was bad for Nature all along!

I’m madder than a hippie chick who’s run out of hemp tampons! Did you know Al Bore left his lights on during that stupid Earth Hour on Saturday night? It’s true: over at his billion square foot mansion, Crazy Al was running up his electric bill when he was telling the rest of us to sit in the dark like cavemen! I’m guessing the light was from Al Gore’s open fridge!

After going into a coma when Obama won the Presidency, Ed Anger, the original conservative commentator, has been revived by his hatred for the Big Three CEOs and their execution of the auto industry.

The Weekly World News is dead, and in the words of its ripsnorting right-wing columnist Ed Anger, the tabloid's dwindling legion of fans should be ''pig-biting mad'' about it. Based for most of its 28 years in Palm Beach County, the Weekly World News delivered the guiltiest of pleasures with wheelbarrows of wit, screaming headlines and a black-and-white design sensibility straight out of 1952. Depending on your perspective, the WWN gloriously chronicled or shamelessly fabricated an alternate reality populated by amorous space aliens, babies born with angel wings and gardeners who marry their vegetables.

The New Treason Exposing the Myth of "Liberal Patriotism" Down through the decades, we have heard from many Democratic luminaries that the Constitution is a "living document." Even Al Gore, the truly "elected" President, espouses the notion that the Constitution can be endlessly altered and amended, if only to extend legal protections to every sort of wheedling, behavior-based victim-group. The social grammar, the invisible infrastructure of our national life can (and should be) manipulated by small groups of griping people. We changed the Constitution to accommodate brown people and female people and gay people, so why don't we modify the...