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Keyword: humor

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  • man who facilitated Muslim influx gets kicked out of his own flat to accommodate migrants

    02/16/2019 1:09:17 PM PST · by robowombat · 53 replies
    Jihad Watch ^ | FEB 16, 2019 2:00 PM | CHRISTINE DOUGLASS-WILLIAMS
    Germany: Elderly man who facilitated Muslim migrant influx gets kicked out of his own flat to accommodate migrants BY CHRISTINE DOUGLASS-WILLIAMS An elderly social worker “who helped with Germany’s migrant influx in 2015 must move out of the flat he has lived in for 24 years. A 1990’s court ruling allows German municipalities to evict tenants to accommodate refugees if other options are exhausted. The senior German reportedly does not understand the municipality’s demands.” 74-year-old Klaus Roth states forlornly: “I put a lot of money and work into the apartment. I renovated it from scratch all by myself.” Note also...
  • Germany: Elderly man who aided migrant influx gets kicked from his own flat to accommodate migrants

    02/16/2019 2:06:33 PM PST · by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis · 41 replies
    Jihad watch ^ | 2/16/19
    An elderly social worker “who helped with Germany’s migrant influx in 2015 must move out of the flat he has lived in for 24 years. A 1990’s court ruling allows German municipalities to evict tenants to accommodate refugees if other options are exhausted. The senior German reportedly does not understand the municipality’s demands.” 74-year-old Klaus Roth states forlornly: “I put a lot of money and work into the apartment. I renovated it from scratch all by myself.” Note also that “Roth also has trouble moving after two intervertebral disc surgeries.” Like so many, Klaus Roth thought he was being kind,...
  • Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

    02/02/2019 4:05:24 AM PST · by sodpoodle · 26 replies
    someone | 2/2/2019 | unknown
    Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, And notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put...
  • Senior Smiles

    02/01/2019 2:21:14 AM PST · by sodpoodle · 18 replies
    email | 2/1/2019 | unknown geezer
    1. My goal for 2019 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go. 2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.. I ate a pizza, are you happy ? 3. How to prepare Tofu: a. Throw it in the trash b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish 4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web. 5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and...
  • How cold is it? Londo Molari from Babylon 5 explains how cold it is.... ~ Humor

    Londo Mollari: When I said my quarters were cold, I did not mean, 'Oh, I think it's a little chilly in here, perhaps I'll throw a blanket on the bed.' No, I said it was cold, as in 'Oh, my left arm has snapped off like an icicle and shattered on the floor!' This is highly inappropriate, Captain! Sheridan: [smirking] You're right. There are several other parts of your body I'd much rather see snapped off.
  • Food is Good

    01/31/2019 7:54:10 AM PST · by sodpoodle · 11 replies
    email | 1/31/2019 | unknown
    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen,mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer; and he threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs...
  • These people will vote!

    01/29/2019 6:50:36 AM PST · by budj · 20 replies
    Network (?) TV | Jan 29, 2019 | self
    Now that we’re retired, the wife and I like to watch Jeopardy in the afternoon. Recently, just before Jeopardy started, I saw the last few minutes of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. The young lady was challenged with the question, something like: What number and aquatic animal describe the closures in the Book of Revelation? She had narrowed her possible answers down to two: - 5 Manatees - 7 Seals Had she chosen 7 Seals, of course, I wouldn’t have written this.
  • NYC is the most financially distressed city in the nation

    01/28/2019 6:43:51 AM PST · by Kid Shelleen · 42 replies
    NY Post ^ | 01/26/2018 | John Aidan Byrne
    New York City is officially the most financially distressed metropolis in America, according to local debt counselors and financial analysts. The city’s credit card delinquency rates and level of bad personal debt are the highest in the nation, which saw household debt and credit soar by $219 billion, or 1.6 percent, to $13.51 trillion, in the third quarter of 2018 — a record $837 billion more than its previous peak in 2008.
  • Announcement: I am changing my preferred gender pronoun ~ Vanity

    01/23/2019 2:26:04 PM PST · by GraceG · 47 replies
    Do not call me: " He, Him, She, Her, Xir, Zim Zer, Zip, Zop, Zlop, Zleep, Zlorp, Zloop, Zlar, Zler, Zlyn, Zlym, Zlik, Zlip, or Zlurp" . I insist, NAY!!! I DEMAND!!!! you call me by MY PREFERRED PRONOUN!!!! " THOUGHT CRIMINAL " You may call me " Thought Criminal Grace " nothing else will do and I will use the long arm of the law where applicable to FORCE YOU to call me that!
  • Captain Li Shang relieved of command for toxic masculinity

    01/21/2019 8:50:08 AM PST · by rey · 65 replies
    duffleblog ^ | 21 Jan 2018 | Jake Slager
    CHANGCHUN, China — The Chinese Army relieved a decorated army officer and son of legendary Gen. Li of his command position after details were leaked that the promising young officer had “fostered a command climate of toxic masculinity,” sources confirmed today. While training recruits for war against the invading Hun Army, Capt. Shang reportedly abused his primarily male recruits, asking if their families had sent daughters when he’d asked for sons. Several of Li’s troops have come forward with allegations against him, and many more anonymous complaints have been received by Imperial Headquarters. Li screamed at his troops to “be...
  • Avoiding the Shutdown - for Fun and Laughs

    01/19/2019 8:35:34 AM PST · by Kaslin · 11 replies ^ | January 19, 2019 | Michael Reagan
    No matter where you look, you can't escape it. "Government Shutdown - Day 27..." "Government Shutdown - Day 28..." The partial government shutdown - and who's to blame for it, who's being hurt most by it and who's going to blink first - is the top topic on television, cable, talk radio, the internet and in the papers. It's so pervasive in all the news media it feels like you're watching a daily "Groundhog Day" movie about partisan politics and biased journalism. Everyone who is interviewed about the shutdown on Fox, CNN, NBC and elsewhere says the same predictable things...
  • Scientists discover new element - Pelosium

    A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium. The chemical symbol of Pelosium is Pu. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark particles called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Pelosium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading...
  • ..No Longer Tolerate A System Where The Rich Get Richer And The Poor Also Get Richer-SATIRE

    01/16/2019 7:39:55 PM PST · by fungoking · 2 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 1/16/19 | Staff
    We Can No Longer Tolerate An Economic System Where The Rich Get Richer And The Poor Also Get Richer An op-ed by Bernie Sanders Capitalism has failed us. The year is [editor please insert current year here], and we still have an economic system where the rich people just continue to get richer, while the poor suffer by also getting richer. We must look to socialism for a more equitable system, one in which there are no upper or lower classes---well, at least one in which there is no upper class. We must look to socialism, where wealth isn't created...
  • This Delayed Traveler's 4-hour Dance Around the Atlanta Airport Is Going Viral

    01/11/2019 11:52:02 PM PST · by blueplum · 25 replies
    MSN Travel Leisure ^ | 11 Jan 2019 | Cailey Rizzo
    Sometimes there’s just nothing left for you to do but dance. Over the past few weeks, the government shutdown has caused aggravation at airports around the country. Earlier this week, Katie Gould, a law student, was stranded at Hartsfield Jackson Atlanta International Airport....{snip} It was four hours until Gould could board the next flight to Milwaukee. Instead of killing time watching TV like she normally does, Gould turned the delay into an opportunity.
  • The farmer [rancher], the doctor, and the post turtle

    01/11/2019 12:46:18 PM PST · by topher · 9 replies
    While stitching the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually, the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders. The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle was. The old farmer [rancher] said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a...
  • Michael Moore "I'm Living Paycheck to Paycheck" (Parody Interview)

    01/07/2019 8:52:35 PM PST · by johnnyblastoff · 12 replies
    Youtube ^ | December 27th, 2018 | Brad Binkley Michael Moore "I'm Living Paycheck to Paycheck" (Parody Interview) Filmmaker and activist Michael Moore sits down for an interview with Brad Binkley, where Moore reveals how he manipulates the resistance and what is in store for 2019. Protests and activism are in store for the resistance while michael moore continues his assault on reality.
  • Puzzled by the Opposite Sex..? Introducing..! The MANSLATOR..!!

    01/06/2019 1:00:03 PM PST · by gaijin · 22 replies
    .. Puzzled by what women say..? Never understand what she REALLY means..? Is the woman in your life chronicly ticked off and you don't know why..? Introducing the MANSLATER..! Turbo audio inputs process what you HEAR her saying into what she *REALLY* means..! Your woman will ADORE the new you..! (funny 2.5 min YouTube vid)
  • TWITTER: Sarah Sanders Fake Video on Twitter --- EPIC!

    10/07/2018 9:58:17 AM PDT · by doug from upland · 18 replies
    Twitter ^ | Oct 2018 | ???
    Click on the link. I wish I had the talent this person has. Does anyone know who did it?
  • BREAKING: Case of suspected Ebola in Swedish Hospital – Emergency Dept. closed

    01/04/2019 3:54:12 PM PST · by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis · 30 replies
    The patient has been isolated at Uppsala hospital being suspected of carrying the Ebola virus, Swedish media outlet SVT Nyheter reports. The Enkoping hospital has been promptly closed for fear of staff potentially being exposed. As Voice of Europe reported last week, there is concern about inadequate preparedness for when a new epidemic erupts. The national health authorities in Sweden have chosen to keep a low profile on discussions on the virus to avoid causing concern among citizens, having not coordinated government initiatives leaving it to county councils whether they increase their preparedness. The deadly Ebola virus is transmitted to...
  • Lexington Police on Twitter: No words.

    01/01/2019 9:17:06 PM PST · by lowbridge · 38 replies
    Twitter ^ | December 31, 2018 | Lexington Kentucky Police