Keyword: humor

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  • Socialist Leaders Clarify: ‘We Only Want Socialism For Everyone Else’-SATIRE?

    09/17/2018 10:47:37 AM PDT · by fungoking · 2 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 9/17/18 | Staff
    U.S.—Many people seem confused by socialist leaders, who are often well-off, amassing wealth and luxuries for themselves while complaining about the excesses of capitalism, but those socialists have clarified that they never intended socialism for themselves, just for everyone else. “I’m doing pretty well for myself and don’t need socialism,” Bernie Sanders, who is a member of the one percent and owns multiple houses, explained. “Other people aren’t doing so well, and we should redistribute their wealth amongst each other, but I’m fine as I am.” This was reiterated by multi-millionaire Jim Carrey. While the salary he gets paid could...
  • The Wreck of the Hillary Clinton - Gordon Lightfoot parody

    09/07/2018 8:20:32 AM PDT · by marktwain · 5 replies
    Youtube ^ | 31 December, 2016 | Jack Butler
    This is an audio parody of the 2016 presidential campaign, based on "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald". In spite of the fact that the sing/producer has only a mediocre voice, it is a well done parody, and entertaining. I laughed out loud!
  • Senate Democrats Vow To Impotently Shake Fists While Kavanaugh Is Confirmed-SATIRE

    09/06/2018 6:34:25 AM PDT · by fungoking · 10 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 9/5/18 | Staff
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—As the Senate holds hearings to confirm Judge Brett Kavanaugh as the next Supreme Court justice, Democrats have come up with a new tactic — the only tactic left to them since Harry Reid “nuked” the filibuster: impotently shaking their fists in disapproval. “We won’t take this lying down,” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer vowed. “Nor will we take it while standing. We plan to take it while sitting and shaking our fists. Let the last thing Kavanaugh sees before his lifetime appointment be a number of fists bobbing about, expressing a threat no one here is capable of...
  • No place like home: Dorothy's ruby slippers recovered

    09/04/2018 5:30:29 AM PDT · by MV=PY · 27 replies
    MPRNews ^ | Sep 4, 2018 | Briana Bierschbach
    The case of the missing red ruby slippers is closed. Minneapolis FBI agents and local law enforcement will hold a news conference Tuesday afternoon to announce they've recovered one of four known surviving pairs of ruby slippers worn by actress Judy Garland in the 1939 movie "The Wizard of Oz." ...
  • It wasn’t worth it, says 103-year-old vegetarian

    09/02/2018 6:37:25 PM PDT · by aMorePerfectUnion · 41 replies
    The daily mash ^ | October 2015 | staff
    A MAN who extended his life span by avoiding processed meats bitterly regrets having done so, it has emerged. 103-year-old Roy Hobbs never ate sausages, bacon or black pudding apart from a one-off fried breakfast which he admits was mind-bendingly delicious. He said: “I am over a century old, partly because I’ve exercised extreme self-control when it comes to my base desire for meat. “Many times I’ve been tempted. One time in Birmingham train station I actually bought a burger and raised it to my salivating mouth, but never took a bite. “Only once, while staying in a corporate hotel...
  • Golfing goofers

    08/30/2018 3:46:24 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 13 replies
    email from a friend | 8/30/2018 | unknown
    ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT A PUBLIC GOLF COURSE Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: What are your green fees? Staff: 38 dollars. Caller: Does that include golf? Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you First, is this your correct phone number? Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: I'd like to reserve a tee time in two weeks. Staff: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. Caller: What's the weather going to be like that day? Staff: Golf course, may I help you?...
  • Technical Support for Seniors

    08/30/2018 3:55:16 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 19 replies
    email from a friend | 8/30/2018 | unknown
    Why seniors never change their passwords WINDOWS: Please enter your new password. USER: Cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. USER: Boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. USER: 1 boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces USER: 50damnboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. USER: 50damnBoiledCabbages ShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow! WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. USER: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbages ShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use
  • Explanation of a tragedy

    08/29/2018 11:25:03 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 11 replies
    email from a friend | 8/29/2018 | unknown
    Chuck Schumer was visiting a Washington D.C. primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Schumer if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So Mr Schumer asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy' A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' 'Incorrect,' said Schumer. 'That would be an accident.' <>A little girl...
  • Battles of the Sexes

    08/24/2018 9:23:37 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 6 replies
    email from a friend | 8/24/2018 | unknown
    A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT BLONDE FEMALES FLOAT AROUND THE INTERNET BUT SOME MAY BE SURPRISED THAT THERE IS A WHOLE GROUP OF JOKES ABOUT MEN THAT MANY DO NOT SEE. ENJOY THIS OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN. One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !' And they say blondes are dumb.... A couple is lying in bed. The...
  • "WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING" — A Bad Lip Reading

    08/24/2018 11:58:09 AM PDT · by kiryandil · 8 replies
    Bad Lip Reading Youtube channel ^ | August 23, 2018 | Bad Lip Reading
    Sarah Sanders FTW!!! click on the pic. Yer head might explode, if yer a "jernalist". That is all.
  • Drug tunnel discovered under former KFC, officials say

    08/23/2018 11:06:53 PM PDT · by thecodont · 18 replies
    CBS News via MSN.com ^ | 8/23/2018 | Caitlin O'kane
    A tunnel that stretches from a former Kentucky Fried Chicken in Arizona all the way to a home in Mexico was discovered last week by investigators, who believe the secret passageway was used for drug smuggling, KSWT reports. Homeland Security Investigations said the tunnel was discovered on August 13, after the owner of the former KFC, Ivan Lopez, was pulled over by the San Luis Police Department. A canine unit alerted officers to two toolboxes in Lopez' truck. Inside the boxes, authorities say they found 118 kilograms of methamphetamine, six grams of cocaine, three kilograms of fentanyl, 13 kilograms of...
  • Democrats Demand Vigilance Against Election Hacking Unless It Involves Voter ID Laws-SATIRE

    08/21/2018 6:14:18 PM PDT · by fungoking · 1 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 8/21/18 | Staff
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats in Congress have just confirmed their commitment to safeguarding America’s elections from any attempts to defraud the system, unless those safeguards involve some form of voter identification requirement. Concerned about the influence of Russian bots and others who may act like American citizens to dishonestly manipulate the ballot box, Democrats insisted the government make every effort to protect the election process from fraud, short of requiring voters to provide proof they are who they say they are. “We must ensure that every American citizen is fairly represented at the polls,” Representative Nancy Pelosi told reporters. “Unless, of course,...
  • The Possom Brain

    08/21/2018 5:21:00 AM PDT · by LibWhacker · 27 replies
    What is the core function of a healthy adaptive brain? This researcher says its function is not merely to sort the input of our senses, but to create predictive models based on the cumulative weight of that input. This hypothesis strikes me as rather obvious and thus not entirely insightful. Though that’s plainly not an opinion shared by many, who believe an orderly brain is one that disregards its own predicted models in favor of those espoused by the Huffington Post. Here’s how the article described the function of this seemingly tertiary organ. The main purpose of the brain, as...
  • Woman killed in apparent alligator attack would be first in South Carolina in decades

    08/20/2018 11:23:01 AM PDT · by SaveFerris · 42 replies
    GMA / Yahoo ^ | 20 minutes ago | KARMA ALLEN,Good Morning America
    Woman killed in apparent alligator attack would be first in South Carolina in decades originally appeared on abcnews.go.com A Baltimore man at the center of a viral police-beating video was charged in a previous encounter with the police officer who was filmed punching him while on duty earlier this month, ABC News confirmed Monday. Dashawn McGrier, 26, was charged with a string of criminal offenses, including second degree assault, in a June 26 incident with ex-Baltimore Police Officer Arthur Williams, who was indicted in an unrelated case last week after video showed him beating McGrier and throwing him to the...
  • Wanted: A Sense of Humor

    04/01/2016 2:21:17 PM PDT · by Kaslin · 18 replies
    Townhall.com ^ | April 1, 2016 | Paul Greenberg
    It's been a wacky election season, but when hasn't it been? Remember when Ross Perot, who couldn't decide whether he was running or not running for president, did both, alternately jumping in and out of the race as the mood struck him? Welcome to the quadrennial circus that is an American presidential campaign. This year the stacked deck now has two jokers -- Donald Trump, the self-infatuated real-estate magnate of reality TV and the Greater New York Metropolitan Area, and Chris Christie, the governor of New Jersey with a gift for gab. Naturally he promptly endorsed The Donald. It's a...
  • Joke: Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

    07/18/2018 9:07:25 AM PDT · by gattaca · 19 replies
    They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.” The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.” The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth...
  • VANITY: Humor Break

    07/22/2018 5:24:42 PM PDT · by ex91B10 · 7 replies
    For a fun-filled break click here!Good ol' UNCUT Looney Tunes, Merrie Melodies, Tom & Jerry, Flintstones and more.
  • DNC to Stage 2020 Convention in ‘Affordable’ Venezuela

    08/17/2018 11:14:24 AM PDT · by Sub-Driver · 23 replies
    DNC to Stage 2020 Convention in ‘Affordable’ Venezuela August 17th, 2018 Scott Ott (2018-08-17) — Citing an abundance of affordable hotels, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced today it would hold its 2020 presidential nominating convention in Caracas, Venezuela. Explaining the historic decision to stage a convention outside of the nominal boundaries of the United States, DNC Chair Tom Perez said, “Thanks to Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro’s Progressive administration, the bolívar now trades at 6 million to the U.S. dollar, so Democrat dollars will buy a lot of anything that might still be available in Caracas.” “Our DNC site search...
  • Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez falsely says “that upper-middle class does not exist anymore in America”

    08/15/2018 4:38:38 AM PDT · by grundle · 42 replies
    wordpress ^ | August 15, 2018 | Dan from Squirrel Hill
    Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez falsely says “that upper-middle class does not exist anymore in America” Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez recently said:“They [national Democrats] were campaigning most when we had more of an American middle class. This upper-middle class is probably more moderate but that upper-middle class does not exist anymore in America.”The Washington Post responded with the following:“… the upper-middle class has actually grown. In a 2016 paper published by the Urban Institute, Stephen J. Rose documented that the upper-middle class has grown substantially, from 12.9 percent of the population in 1979 to 29.4 percent in 2014.”The same Washington Post article also included this chart:...
  • Signs for IDIOTS

    08/15/2018 6:10:01 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 31 replies
    email from a friend | 8/15/2018 | unknown
    Number One Idiot: I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right...