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Twas the night before Christmas (Politically Correct) 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck. How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to Elves, Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves. And labour conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and ...

NEW YORK (AP) - Santa has kicked the habit in time for Christmas. No, not the sugar plum habit, or his fur-wearing habit, or his penchant for romping recklessly around open flame. No, gentlepeople, this is the year the man in red gave up pipe tobacco, at least in a new book version of "Twas the Night Before Christmas" that has received attention from some lofty corners, including the American Library Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Twas the night before Kwanzaa, and throughout the White House,Not a Kenyan was stirring, not even his spouse.No stockings were hung from the chimney with care,Because greenhouse emissions would heat up the air.The children were each tucked away in their beds,No nightmares of Public School troubling their heads.