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KYIV — With the war against Russia still raging, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has announced a new incentive program to encourage women to enlist in the Ukrainian military, with each woman who signs up receiving a free pumpkin spice latte. "These women will be unable to resist," Zelensky said when announcing the offer. "Our military has been ravaged and is in dire need of reinforcements. We have run through all of our able-bodied men and must now turn to the strong, proud Ukrainian women. Any reluctance to fight against the Russians will easily be overcome by the power of the...

One afternoon a few Octobers ago, I sat with a friend from Spain at a picnic table in an idyllic orchard 50 miles northwest of New York City. As our significant others scoured the farm’s various other goods (jams, butters, donuts), the two of us admired the vast green-and-red foliage blanketing the hills in the distance. Beside us were net bags filled with the dozens of apples we had collected by hand from the property’s dozens of rows of trees — a ritual and scene familiar to many Americans. My friend looked at the bags and gestured toward the sprawl...

President Biden is drunk with power after announcing a vaccine mandate and our sources reveal he's already working on more! Are you ready? Here is a list of mandates Biden reportedly has planned for this year: 1) For the entire month of October, all foods must be pumpkin spice flavor: Biden is a fan of pumpkin spice and thinks you should be too. Bring on the pumpkin spice hotdogs and the pumpkin spice steak! 2) During all the other months of the year, all foods must still be pumpkin spice flavored: Dangit. 3) Everyone approached by Joe Biden must allow...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden administration has announced a ban on pumpkin spice-flavored beverages for the good of the white girl community, sources confirmed Thursday. Joe Biden made the announcement in his speech last night and signed an executive order banning the beverage this morning. "Look, we want the white girls to be per---pretty, to be pretty and nice and healthy and smell, you know, the thing, to smell good," Biden said in his speech, which was heralded as "clear and coherent" and a "refreshing return to normalcy" by the press. "So, we're getting rid of the pumpkin spice Fraps. You know,...

Kraft has launched an all new Kraft Pumpkin Spice Macaroni & Cheese. After first launching in Canada, over 30,000 Canadians signed up for an online waitlist to get their hands on it, within the first 48 hours. This popular reaction allowed for Kraft to launch their pumpkin spice macaroni and cheese in the U.S. Kraft Pumpkin Spice Macaroni & Cheese is the same cheesy Mac & Cheese Americans know and love. It now is with added fall flavors: hints of cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice and ginger. According to Kraft, the Pumpkin Spice Macaroni & Cheese is best served curled up with...

Developed in conjunction with Molotov Cocktails, Inc., the preferred provider of makeshift explosives for the leftist protestors, the throwable incendiary weapons are made with real, organic, locally harvested pumpkin spice. They taste and smell like pumpkin spice, which is important for the angry white people who make up Antifa. "Now, when your political opponents are burning in agony, you can enjoy that pumpkin spice smell you love so much," said Ned Patterson, CEO of Molotov Cocktails, Inc. "Nothing says fall like a good, old-fashioned, violent protest coupled with the scent of pumpkin spice."

U.S —As the nation plunges headlong into another fall season, the FDA has officially recommended pouring all pumpkin spice flavored beverages down the nearest drain immediately. Stressing that they are “all just completely abhorrent and disgusting,” a spokesman for the agency confirmed Wednesday that the only safe and honorable course of action when confronted with a pumpkin spice latte, coffee, or beer this autumn is to quickly and without hesitation open the beverage and dump every drop of it down a nearby drain or toilet. The FDA further advised caution when dumping the drinks, warning against accidentally spilling or splashing...