PORTLAND, OR—In a dark cave outside Portland, a burglar has reported that he spotted local liberal man Greg Frederic sitting on a rock in the middle of a pond, whispering sweet nothings to his mask. "It is my own, my precious," he whispered to himself, having been locked in the cave since last March. His eyes have adjusted to the dark, dank cave, causing them to grow into large green orbs. Since he's too scared to get DoorDash, he eats fish from the cavern's pool, causing him to evolve sharp teeth and slippery, wet, fish-like skin. The man reportedly grows...