The liberty we prize is not America's gift to the world, it is God's gift to humanity.  George W. Bush

LIBERALS and CONSERVATIVES:

The division of the human family into its two distinct branches
occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans
coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. In the
pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented.  This epochal
innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the
occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups:

 

Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been
invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. 
That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days killing animals to barbeque at night while
they were drinking beer.  This was the beginning of the conservative
movement.

Other men who were weaker and  less skilled at hunting, learned how to
live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing
women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing.  This was the beginning
of the liberal movement.   Later, some of the liberals actually became
women.

Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of
group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat
that the conservatives provided.  Women were not interested in democracy at
that time because most of them were still women back then, and the
conservatives fed them.

Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal
on earth.   Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer
white wine or foreign water in a bottle.  They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done.  Sushi, tofu, and french food are on liberal menus.  Their
women have more testosterone than the men.   Liberals like deviant sex and
want others to like it too.  Their first successful city governments were
Sodom and Gomorrah.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group
therapists are Liberals.  Liberals invented the designated hitter rule
in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer.  They eat red meat, and still
provide for their women.  Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, soldiers,  athletes, and generally anyone who works
productively outside government.  Conservatives who own companies hire
other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers
and decide what is to be done with the production.  Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.

Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of
law.  They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through
their churches.   When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and
the Constitution,  which they use as a constant reference in a changing
world. They believe in  the concept of truth.

Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to
stealing production of conservatives and undermining principled references such
as the Bible and Constitution. They are never in doubt on an issue because
they always do whatever is best for them without regard to others. 
They have no standard of reference.  Liberals do not give to charity. They
cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice.   They use
the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax money which they
vote away from conservatives.

Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad.  They
own guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals. 
They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals and
other foreign criminals.

Liberals do not believe in conservative self defense.  They disarm
conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies
with guns.   King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who abandoned
the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self indulgence, and
attempted to tax and govern conservatives.   Liberals believe in BIG
government.  They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer.

Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries,
convict common criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have been
charged by liberals.  When serving in the armed forces, they shoot
liberals from other countries who want to govern our country.  Conservatives
know the difference between a common-sense law and a bone-headed statute
passed by some liberal from Massachusetts.   When sitting on juries, they do
not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't explain their reasons.

Liberals only believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as
the privilege of making a living by taxing conservatives.  When sitting on
juries, liberals convict producers and acquit liberals and other common
criminals. Modern Judges are all liberals as they do not produce
anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax money. They consider it
against the law to reference any source of law such as the Bible or
Constitution.  Like other liberals, they just make it up as they go and
do what is best for them.   Judge Roy Bean is their model.

The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative.
A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find
the owner of a huge cattle ranch.  He rode up to one of the ranch hands,
and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might
locate your master?"  To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been
born yet".

So, what'll it be?  Wine or Beer?  Domestic or Imported?

 

Liberalism is Communism one drink at a time.  - P.J. O'Rourke