If you come home to find youve moved to a yurt...
If your pickup truck sprouts a .50 cal machine gun ...
If your wake up call comes from a minaret ...
If a glimpse of your wifes stocking is now shocking ...
If you find yourself kneeling on a bath mat ...
If your wife brings in a young boy and cuts you off ...
If you dont have to walk a mile for a camel ...
If your kids think the dog is disgusting ...
If you vacation in Yemen ...
If you have a hankering to blow up some Jews ...
... you just might be a terrorist.
A look in the crystal ball: VenezualaConsider a mass illegal immigration to adjoining countries that forces the government to use the military to plug the holes, prodding a desperate citizenry to riot, with so much death from the putdowns, the OAS moves to topple the government, which steps down and ends up in prison while the rest of the world is expected to fund Venezuelas rebuilding.
They will be told the US and the West were behind it all and it wasnt socialisms fault. Next time, it just has to be applied harder. Meanwhile the only organization capable of making money, the drug cartels, run the country for their own benefit, making Caracas the Amsterdam of South America.
Tourism booms, the kleptocracy remains in power, and the caravan rolls on.
The North Korean Two-Step Its a wash, as I have said here several times.
It was a practice of the USSR to demand pre-conditions in order to have a meeting at all, insinuating that the West wanted meetings more that Russia did, and the West was willing to pay for it. North Korea has eschewed this attitude. One point for us.
North Korea has tried unsuccessfully for the last fifty years to get a one on one negotiation with the US but this prestige was not bestowed by any US administration, ever. NK got it this time without surrendering up anything but a possible delay in doing what they want to do. One point for NK.
So, its a wash thus far.
A hidden advantage for the US is that Trump is the only occupant ever in the White House that has the ability to pull this off. It will be interesting to watch.
Elizabeth Warren Takes a DNA testMs Warren, we have the results of your DNA test.
How much aboriginal ancestry do I have?
Well, there is good news and bad news.
Whats the bad news?
Theres no Indian blood. You are 20 percent Irish, 33 percent German, 47 percent Roma gypsy. You are hot-headed, bent on world domination, and completely untrustworthy.
Damn. Whats the good news?
Youre in the correct line of work.
The PosseIn hot pursuit, bent low, we rode mounted,
broke cold mountain sunlight, brittle as glass.
We scoured the foothills, fierce Llano Estacado,
'neath anvil-head hailstorms that strafed the stiff grass.
But rapier yucca leaves
soon blocked the canyon,
and thorny black greasewood disrupted the chase.
When black flies and scorpions
consumed our ramada,
there'd be no rough justice,
just us in disgrace.
Chuck Schumer: No Senate Confirmation For White Men
Are we all snowflakes now?Unlike today in Florida, where the Parkland school building where the massacre of 17 students occurred will be demolished, the consolidated school in Bath, Michigan, where 44 students were killed in a 1927 bombing. was repaired, and the kids went back to classes there. The wimpification of America rolls on.
Even the news coverage of the 1927 bombing was truncated by Charles Lindberghs trans-Atlantic solo flight a few days later. Yes, there were news cycles before the internet.
Intellectual PovertyRaised income levels qualify
more and more as povertized--
We drop the expectations
for their public education
so they become less able
to keep food on the table--
Thereby their income stays, you see,
within the realm of poverty.
A few may still climb out, so then
the limits must be raised again
and schools told to ask less of them
who can't eat self-esteem.
My Favorite Weird Ship
USS Long Beach CGN-9If you wanted to serve on a ship that rarely left port in the US, the Long Beach was where to be. We couldnt do much more than 30 knots with a clean hull, so we couldnt keep up with the carriers, so we rarely left port. The reason was that the Long Beach was originally going to be a DLG weighing 12,000 tons. By the time the USN was done expanding it, it weighed 14,000 tons. During sea trials, it was feared that the ship would roll over because it was so top heavy, so 2000 tons of lead was added along the keel to raise the weight to 16,000 tons.
In the mid 1960s, the 2000 tons of lead in the keel shifted so the ship didnt roll symmetrically, and jerked 2 or three times each way rather than rolling smoothly and then snapped upright. Additionally, one of the shafts was out of balance so it vibrated a lot when it was over 20 knots. The top heaviness also caused it to roll up to 35 degrees to each side which made the steam generator sloshing from side to side real interesting and left foot prints 6 feet up the walls at the ends of the athwart ship passage ways where a sailor was forced to stop himself during a roll. In heavy seas, the nose would dive, and water would come up thru the bull nose and cover the forward Tarrier launchers. What a ride!
Going to the Olympics? Useful Tips
Pyongyangs Baskin-Robbins' shelves are bare.
But the menu promises a few flavors...
YourAss Good-bye Kisses
Cherry Jubilieve Anything
Spam (in season)
Americans eat snow, claims North Korea propaganda video.He'll have a nice filet of crow
washed down with cocoa made from snow
sent here from North Korea.
The DPRK muffin bran
he tries digesting, but in vain
is lost to diarrhea.
Toxic masculinity? (it's a car thang)
"Geico was a cool gig until I ate the gekko. Like, who knew?, you know?
"Now, I have to register with the SPCA and can't live within a hundred yards of a terrarium.
"Say, are you here with anybody?"
Porn star denies affair with TrumpThis silliness is tabloid trash compared to the yacht Monkey Business and the scuttling of Gary Hart's presidency try. You may recall Hart dared the press to catch him being a bad boy, and they did. Then there was John Edwards' initial denial of and later confession to having an extra-marital child, ending his run at a Democratic VP candidacy. What we have now is bathwater and no baby.
But I want to get in the Wayback Machine and ride it back to the 1920s.
"Woof, woof! Don't be a goof!" "Honk, honk. It's the bonk!"
The image on the right was one of many done by the New York Graphic, the CNN of the 1920s. They called the things "Composographs." The Graphic launched the careers of Ed Sullivan and Walter Winchell during its short, exploitative life.
Fifty-one year old New York real estate magnate, Edward Browning met 15-year old Peaches at a dance. And, shades of Alabama judge Roy Moore, was smitten with her. A month later, they were married. Six months later, Peaches filed to divorce Daddy because he wanted her to do icky things like, you know, coitus and stuff. It became the scandal of the decade, and the Graphic rode the story like a rented mule.
When it was finally over, Peaches got her singleness back, but only six thousand dollars. There's a lot more. Read the saga of Daddy and Peaches here, if you're interested. We now return you to the ongoing media beclownment, already in progress.
Goodell: Social justice campaign between NFL, Players just the beginning
I've resisted the tide of NFL demonization about as long as I can. My enthusiasm for the sport has waned for a while, as I find games make better background noise than entertainment lately. I haven't flown my Cowboys flag this season, either.
Enough is becoming enough. How can I support an operation that is dedicated to pushing dubious social causes? That ain't sports. That's a mass sashay.
The problem for them is, to paraphrase from the movie Airplane, "I picked a bad presidential cycle to jink left."
North America's Venezuela?
California wants the money businesses get under the new federal tax laws.
They are also trying to legislate a super-tax on all companies doing over a million dollars in business a year.
I guess they figure companies that big do business across state lines, so by forcing them to raise prices that will offset the super-tax, customers out of state will be inadvertently subsidizing Sacramento.
A certain amount of out-of=state customers will put up with the price hike, but I would think most customers just switch suppliers for the lowest price. This hurts everyone but the politicians, which could make anyone masochistic enough to continue living in California a little cynical. It's like watching Venezuela all over again.
Adolescence now ends at 24
Infantile Nation. All your basement
are belong to us.
She's Back, Too
Elizabeth Kucinich is back. Her husband, Dennis, is running for some office or other, too.
Have you noticed...... how leftists lionize JFK while "Ask not what your country can do for you," sets their mouths afroth?
"Whew. Oh, mein Gott!. Did you fart, mein Fuhrer?"
"Fuhrers don't fart."
"Ach! Zen it must haff been me."
"It must haff."
Wendell Weedy Meets a MissionaryWendell washed the scraggy remnants of his comb-over, contemplated if it would be more environmentally sustainable to simply rub a puree of bleached peanut husks into his bald dome and let the paste absorb his dandruff, when he heard the Tibetan mud-chime 'thunk,' heralding unexpected company at his front door.
"Well, this is unexpected," he said redundantly.
The mud-chime impatiently re-thunked.
"I'm coming, I'm coming," He grunted to stuff his alabaster, bony bare feet into a smelly pair of Birkenstock lace-ups, then swept the matches, bong, rolling papers, incense packs, roach clip, and plastic bag of coke-laced Fearless Fresno weed off the coffee table and into a worn hemp backpack he kept by the chia-Buddha..
Wendell squinted in the bright midday light as he swung the front door open. Before him stood two strangers dressed in short sleeve shirts, tie-less young men with earnest, slightly nervous expressions and toting Bibles.
"Are you mister Weedy?" asked one of the missionaries, each a dead ringer for the other.
"Yes. Who are you?"
"I'm Fred Shoeface and we're from the Mono-polytheistic Church of Three-Gods-in-One."
"Uh, okay," said a leery Wendell.
"And we'd like to talk to you about God."
"Why? What's he done now?"
"Uhm, nothing like that," stammered Fred, "Have you accepted Jesus into your life?"
"I gotta tell you, Fred, I'm not keen on taking dead strangers into my life," said Wendell as he began to take the initiative.
"Mister Weedy," lamented the other missionary, "Have you ever been to church?"
"Not if I could help it," said Wendell. "But I do go to Inifdels-allowed-in-a-Mosque Day when it comes up. Anyone who is anti-Islam is a bigoted fascist. Don't you agree?"
"Uhmmmm...." uhmmed Fred.
"Say," Wendell continued, "you're not one of those crazy haters who says Islamists cut off people's heads, run suicide bombers, or are out to kill us, are you?"
"No," said Fred. "I've never said that."
"When?" asked Wendell.
"When did you never say that?"
"I always never said that!" protested the now-defeated Fred.
"Good. Now get off my porch," said Wendell, closing the door and smiling to himself. Confront and push back. Alinsky had it right.
Understanding Beautiful Women
Jean Harlow would wear disguises to go out and pick up strange guys at night. Her men friends, who feared sure rejection, wouldn't approach her in normal everyday life. So, Harlow married creeps and one beat her enough to cause kidney damage. Jean continued to work in misery until she could no longer. Harlow's mother, a strict Christian Scientist, wouldn't let doctors treat Jean until it was too late to save her.
Remember that the next time you sidle up to a beautiful woman, and she tells you to get the hell away from her, the poor thing.
The Courting-by-Snail-Mail BluesI worry each let
ter from my love to your life,
Impatiently dreaming its flight;
but it's no delicious
tion! there's a soft leaden
tail on this kite
sibly waiting for forever someday
entangled in thickets of how,
I need you
I need you
I need you
I need you
Embrace Your Masculine Toxicity
Dont touch any women, leave lost kids alone.
Maleness is Mafia; youre Don Corleone.
But its mostly you older guys doomed, as a rule;
The snow-flaky beta males are neutered in school.
Registered sex offender?"Get your hands off me! Help, help!"
"Shhhh. Cool it, baby. You're gonna like this."
"You're just a rapist! Help!"
"It's okay, baby. I'm registered with the state."
"I got papers."
Because Farkle Family
.... and the Postman keeps on ringing...
Boomer Top TenThe Hollies - The Air that I Wheeze
Vikki Carr - It Must be Phlegm
Donna Summer - I Feel Lump
Frank Ifield - I Remember Who
Johnny Horton - Withering Pines
Linda Ronstadt - Love is a Robe
Mickey & Sylvia - Love is Strained
Christina Aguilera - Our Day, We'll Gum
Glen Campbell - By the Time I Get to Finish
The Jaynetts- Sally Go Round the Donut Seat
"... so I said, "Fuhrers don't fart." and
she said, "Well, it must have been me.""
a sneeze I snoze,
and blew by tea ride up by doze.
It's a hunka hunka... marble
The 'Elvis sculpture is 2nd Century AD. The Roman Elvis is in fact a genuine marble acroterion - a kind of architectural ornament often found for decoration on the corners of a sarcophagus, a stone tomb or burial chamber.
Pop a what?A trail of popcorn on New Year's Day led Sacramento police to a man wanted on a warrant, authorities said.
"Hey, yo, baby-momma! I be here to pop a corn in yo' ass."
"It's not 'pop a corn' you nappy-headed fool. It's 'pop a cap.'"
"What? Sheeit. It look like most o' the popcorn done fell out anyway."
"Does this mean I'm safe?"
"Until I be stealing some caps, I s'pose so. Get de door, will ya?"
It's awful not getting the Prez's words filtered through a press corps of antagonistic attention whores. And before committing their old partisan perfidy, Trump tweets anew and the trolley trundles on.
It must drive 'em crazier.
"You're about to go flying!"
Crumbling PompeiiArchaeologists and art historians have long complained about the poor upkeep of Pompeii, dogged by lack of investment, mismanagement, litter and looting. Bogus tour guides, illegal parking attendants and stray dogs also plague visitors.
How to tell if your tour guide was bogus.
1. After explaining how Vesuvius rides on a plate, he sold you a six-place setting.
2. He charged extra to see The Forum, calling it The Fivem in devalued dollars.
3. Told you the fresco you heard about was a soft drink, sold you a six-pack.
4. Convinced you the Marina gate was named after Marina Sirtis, Deanna Troi of Star Trek. Sold you a bobble-head Captain Kirk.
5. Told you Via di Nola means Street of New Orleans, Louisiana. Sold you some ancient plastic beads from the Pompeiian Mardi Gras.
6. Told you the placard on that lavish villa, "Aulus Vettius Restitutus," meant "All tour guides get paid here."
Alphonso's bull-repelling whistle proved to be as ineffective as his idea of getting front row seats was a bad one.
It occurs to me that nobody 'pumps' gas in the literal sense any more. The original metered gasoline dispensers had handles on them. The user worked the handle to literally pump gas up into a glass tube that was calibrated in gallons. The tube was then emptied into the vehicle.
Film footage of Edwardian London discoveredThe film was shot in 1904 as a 'travelogue' for Australians curious about life in what was "one of the most exciting cities anywhere", according to Professor Ian Christie.
From the article... The footage, shot of 35mm film, also shows subtle insights into life such as the way people walked, he added.
Do we walk differently now? Where I can see people walking in the film, the guys do seem to have a heel-less gait that conjures up the walking style of Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin.
Could it be that those comedic walks were not comedic at all, but the trailing end of a vanishing fashion?
"It's A Brand New Car!"
"This is the new Volkswagen, Fuhrer."
"Where is the steering wheel?"
"Mmmm, there seems to be a bug, Fuhrer."
"A Volkswagen bug? Heh heh. Ulric,
take this nitwit out and shoot him."
When the good guys are gunless
"Hold it! Stop right there and drop your weapon!"
"And if I don't, what then, copper?"
"I'll slap you."
"By god, I believe you would!"
Beaver Bites Man To Death
There once was a man from Brest,
who stopped at a buddy's behest
to bother a beaver
with teeth like a cleaver;
the rodent performed its dammedest.
"I had no choice but to shoot him, judge, my wife was in danger."
"Mr Redd, our records show you aren't married."
"Never said I was."
"Are you Mr John Redd, of Hawaii?"
A reliable source tells me that in 2016, a trepanation was performed on Joe Scarborough, wherein they threw away the skull and kept the hole. I have hesitated bringing this up because the skull makes an excellent planter.
Man dies while raping elderly South Texas woman
"Ack! What are you doing?"
"Shut up, old lady."
"Ugh, ung, grunt."
"Unnng, ugh .... "
"Son of a bitch."
Snow White Unchained
It's time to update a cultural classic to reflect a modern mind. Henceforth the 7 dwarves will be known as:
Don't Luddite Get You Down
We'll have our global warming,
it's gonna be the rage.
The benefits are forming
to stall the next ice age.
But, hark, what muffled grousing
the transom overflows,
as climate change arouses
funky festooned foes.
It's a cascade of excresence
to make mankind regress
to living like a peasant
while using less and less.
Crank up the moth-balled factories
and turn the A/C down.
Build nuclear reactors
to light your life and town.
"US Muslims struggle with how they Well, bless their hearts. It would be helpful if we are to understand their angst, to personalize the issue or adjust the frame for a more familiar perspective.
should condemn extremism"
- Americans struggle with how they should condemn incest.
Americans in 1941 struggle with how they should condemn the attack on Pearl Harbor.
Americans struggle with how they should condemn slavery.
Americans struggle with how they should condemn anti-Muslim genocide.
At the Fair
At this summer's fair,
I asked an attendant if,
being at the head of the line at last,
I might ride the next train
of his roller coaster.
Was I sure I wanted to? he asked,
as this ride was known for high
acceleration, breathtaking plunges,
and being impossible to control
Having survived lesser rides,
I assured him I was ready.
He shrugged and laughed
then told me
I had been for some time
in the last car of the already departed train.
It was beyond choosing.
The rest of his words were lost
in exhilaration as I was
ripped out into the starlight.
Hangin' with Zeb
Me and Zeb rode God's land
down canyon, mesa, brush,
to mend the lame with healing hand,
to sing of cowboy lust.
Now, one dark night Zeb couldn't see,
stepped off a railroad bridge
but grasped the edge and dangled free,
one tough son of a bitch.
Zeb hung there by his fingertips
'til dirt he saw at morning light
was but an inch below his feet,
which pissed him off so much he hung there the rest of the day, just out of spite.
"Joe sent me."
"Are you a surgeon?"
"Yes, I do."
"I mean, do you do surgery?"
"Yes, I am."
"Do you get referrals from other doctors?"
"Terminal cases, and slow pay."
"Come on in."
"Get on my perch."
"Not without a cracker."
- I'm not Buster Brown;
I don't live in a shoe.
But my old pet rooster,
"Oh my, such ostracized, scorned, belittled people," Clifford thought, as the drizzling rains washed away his newly-"paved" driveway and rinsed the "paint" off the vinyl siding of his house. He finally turned and walked back inside his home, increasingly concerned that his young daughter had not yet returned from her "date."
On naming a frozen world 'Vulcan'Mercury isn't fluid;
Neptune's not so wet;
Uranus isn't brown enough;
You take what you can get.
---certainly not by Dorothy Parker
The Earth Drive-In
Here in our suburban Orion arm,
we watch star-draped archer Sagittarius,
his bow drawn, bolt aimed at the galactic heart.
He hasn't released since firing the arrow
that punched a black hole Downtown.
The back rows of the cosmic drive-in are rustic
but we get some hot smoochies
and a jones for the coming attractions.
You know, what with the F word,
the N word and the C word, were
well on our way to spelling France.
Chicago announces mass closing of elementary schoolsWendell Weedy
Fort Enduring Courage Elementary School
Dear Parent(s) of a FECES child,
In view of mass closing of elementary schools for under-utilization, the administration will be handling FECES a little differently for a while. The cafeteria is merging with the theater to become the catheter and speech therapy will move into the library to become therapery.
During bad times the community turns to FECES, and vice versa. The third fiscal leg of the FECES stool is our Lindsay Lohan Brownies program. Although parental subscription to the LLB remains at virtually one hundred percent, our program director, Garth Munch, is looking to spread availability with a Friends And Relatives Tier (FART). Please remind any new sales associates to keep the vacuum sealed brownie packs unopened until in the owner's home. Do not open the packs in the car, as the aroma of the snacks is pervasive and one never knows what will alert drug dogs.
FECES is a part of all of us, and the school staff plans to retain FECES as long as possible. Join us. It's your school and there's no such thing as getting into FECES too deeply.
Must-see TV in 2018
Don't miss the finale of Ethiopian Idol, as the last contestant standing, after months of brutal begging for food resulted in death by starvation of one candidate a week, receives a comb.ISIS Road Truckers
Mohammed finds that taking four prayer breaks a day is killing his load count.Under-covered Boss
Meanwhile fifty miles north in Tuktoyaktuk, Mohammad realizes that his load consists of two thousand gallons of used grease, primarily melted pig fat. In a fit of porcine repulsion, Mohammad leaves his rig, gets lost in a white-out and freezes to death.
A hundred miles away, tensions mount among Hugh, Polar Bear, and Mohameht over whether Lisa should be required to wear a hijab under her burqa. Lisa resolves the dispute by shooting Mohameht and throwing his body down Atigun Pass.
Anthony Weiner and Barney Frank, convicted of sexual atrocities following their X-rated Naked and Afraid debacle, go undercover again, only this time to catch employees of their new joint venture, Felony Franks, in the act of handling hot wieners.
- Our cooks went to Screw U.
- Do you want to fry with that?
- Try our Diet Dog. It's lite without possibility of a roll.
- Your hotdog is free if the cashier doesn't shank you.
- Please count your change carefully. We need time to molest your woman.
- Employees must wipe their shivs before returning to the service line.
- Don't like mustard? No problem.
- Don't like relish? No problem.
- Don't like serial rapists? We got a problem.
- Do not accept hot dogs from server's lap.
And now for the rest of the fable...There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
with so many children she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
then whipped them all soundly
and put them to bed.
The children who put up with such shoe-full abuse,
found Child Protection Services a sadist's excuse.
They formed a committee and upstairs they crept,
to her room, where they slit,
her throat while she slept.
Wee Willie Winkie
Wee Willie Winkie
runs through our town,
up stairs and down stairs
in his night-gown,
tapping at the windows,
crying at the locks,
"Get the kiddies into bed;
it's nigh ten o'clock!"
Once he's feeling certain
all the eyes are shut,
Wee Willie rushes home to his quonset hut.
Logging into porn sites, he whiles the night away,
eating Cheetos, whacking Willie 'til the break of day.
Is It Just Me?As I was walkin' up the stairs,
I saw a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
Oh, how I wish he'd go away.
But when I am reminded that
my home is but a ground floor flat,
then climbing stairs that don't exist
means face time with my therapist.
J&J v WatermanJack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
The owner of the well-topped hill,
sued by Jack's HMO,
was asked to tell why he chose to drill
so high, not down below.
The answer wasn't good enough.
The judge ruled drastically.
Now Jack and Jill own all his stuff
Was That Wrong?Pease porridge hot, pease porridge cold,
pease porridge in the pot, nine days old.
Toss it in the microwave, ten minutes high,
listen for the pot to crack, smell the porridge fry.
Watch the oven's door blow out, oh the gooey foam.
Won't this be a fun surprise for mom
when she gets home?
Cats 'n' dogs 'n' dishesHey diddle diddle,
the cat played the fiddle,
the cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such sport,
and the dish ran away with the spoon.
"You rubbed me a rash!"
screamed the put-upon spoon,
but chafing dish fled out the door.
The little dog laughed, crapped on the couch,
and piddled a pool on the floor.
The cat's music stopped when he found out that cat gut
gives violin strings their punch.
And the cow came back from circling the moon
vacuum-dried, par-broiled, and lunch.
Dear Mrs Drisophila,
We are sending your daughter, Cleonausea, home with a written warning. As per the dress code here at Fort Enduring Courage Elementary School, children are not allowed to wear their hair with bangs, due to the association of bang with guns. Please be advised that in order to avoid offending Muslim sensibilities, pig tails are also banned.
You are asked to come in to the school for a meeting with our Trauma Counselor to discuss ameliorating the damage wearing bangs may have done to Cleonausea. While you're here, you may notice that the American flag flown at FECES has been altered to enhance the values we try to instill in the children. The fifty stars have been replaced with one large smiley, and the red/white striping has been overprinted with the lyrics of "Baby Don't Hurt Me." We want you to be proud of what FECES is doing for our community.
New York, New YorkNew York City police have begun handing out small cards telling people why they were stopped and searched on city streets.
"Why did you stop me, officer?"
"It's part of our positive reinforcement program."
"What do you mean?"
"I found you doing something good. You stopped when the 'don't walk' signal came on."
"So, what was frisking me all about, then?"
"Checking you for lumps. Cancer, you know."
"And these handcuffs?"
"It's just a precaution."
"So what's the positive reinforcement?"
"I'm positive I"ll have some reinforcement in a minute. Then we're going to kick your ass. This is New York, you know."
"It's a hell of a town."
"It sure is. Now get up against the car."
If conception doesnt create a citizen,
if quickening doesnt create a citizen,
if being born doesnt create a citizen,
when does it become a crime to kill you?
reasonisfaith. central_va, mariner, editor-surveyer