FReeper Canteen~Humor Break~05Oct.06

[AZamericonnie]

 

Humor Break



ID Check

A few years back one of the new Marines at the Barracks at Yorktown, VA was standing post at the main gate of the Naval Weapons Station. The policy was to check 100% of ID cards including military in uniform. A Navy sedan drove up to the gate with a young seaman at the wheel and a rear admiral sitting in the back. The young PFC signaled for the car to stop, approached the driver, and asked to see both ID cards. The admiral told the Marine that he was on his way to meet with the station CO and didn't have time for such nonsense....

Admiral to driver: "Go ahead."

...PFC to driver: "Don't do that."

...Admiral to driver: "You heard me, Drive on."

...PFC to Admiral as he draws his .45:

"Sir, this is my first time on post. Do I shoot you or your driver?"

The admiral showed his ID.



~~Superman Returns Game~~



~~Drunk Stop~~



Air Force

Recently I was given a list of actual responses made to squawks, the Air Force term for maintenance complaints by pilots.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

~~Lazy Ramadi~~


Awwww......:)

~~Ping Pong Anyone?~~



~~Don't Touch My Bone~~

A little too hooah

Your kids call the sandbox "NTC".
Your wife has mermites in the China Cabinet.
Your older kids call the youngest one "Cherry".
When your wife left you, you had a Change of Command.
Your wife carries a buttpack instead of a Gucci purse.
Your kids would rather get SIMNET than Nintendo 64.
When your family gets together, you call them "Slice Elements".
You butter your toast with a bayonet.
If your kids get a wrong answer in school they immediately drop and knock out 20.
Your personal license plate says "At Ease".
All of your kids' names begin with "AR".
Your grandmother won the Week of the Eagles.
Your POV has your name stenciled on the windshield.
Anyone using the TV remote control must dispatch it first.
Your kids are hand receipt holders.
Your kids practice Drill and Ceremony at recess.
Your dog's name is "Ranger".
Your kids pull night guard shifts by the mailbox.
Your wife has a better high and tight than your commander.
Your kids sound off with "Airborne" or "Air Assault" every time their left foot hits the ground.
Your wife won't buy anything unless it has a National Stock Number.
Your kids have to wax and buff the floor before going to school.
When your dog died, he got a 21-gun salute at Arlington.
Your kids call their teachers "REMFs" and the other kids at school "legs."
Your daughter's dolls wear starched uniforms.
Your daughter complained that her new Barbie's hair wasn't within regulation and then cut it.
If your kids fail a test, they get a Letter of Reprimand and an Article 15.
Your kids salute their grandparents.
Your kids get an LES with their allowance.
All your meals at home are MREs.
Your kids painted their Big Wheels camouflage and stuck bumper numbers on them.
All your household possessions were issued by CIF.
Your kids get sent to the "big house" at Leavenworth if they're disrespectful.
Your kids complain if they can't have gym class five days a week.
Everyone does six pullups before sitting down at the dinner table.

~~A Perfect Car For Women~~





**This Link Rated PG**

Just a little levity for our Troops & their families. Have at it folks!

[luvie]

It's our nickname given to us by our "fearless leader"...because sometimes we ARE! LOL!

[tongue-tied]

LOL...looks like they voted!

[AZamericonnie]

Thanks GE....me too!

[Kathy in Alaska]

Congratulations on a job well done. Sounds like a pretty labor intensive job.

[MEG33]

;)

[68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub]

NAVY TIMES
October 04, 2006

Coast Guard budget signed by president

By Patricia Kime
Staff writer


The Coast Guard’s fiscal 2007 budget includes a billion-dollar windfall for the Deepwater recapitalization project.

Congress passed a $34.8 billion fiscal 2007 Homeland Security appropriations bill on Sept. 29 that includes $7.8 billion for the Coast Guard, of which $1.066 billion is slated for Deepwater. President Bush signed the bill into law Wednesday.

“This is a good bill,” said President Bush, shortly before signing the bill Wednesday. “It will help us deploy nuclear detection equipment at our ports of entry, raise security standards at the nation’s chemical plants, safeguard American cities against weapons of mass destruction, and stop terrorists seeking to enter our country.”

The administration had requested $934 million for Deepwater, a 25-year project to repair or replace the Coast Guard’s ships, aircraft and communications systems.

During initial budget deliberations, House Appropriations Committee members had proposed spending $893 million for Deepwater while the Senate suggested $993.6 million.

The figure rose to $1 billion during the bill’s conference debate, and lawmakers who have pushed for years to accelerate the program are celebrating.

“The unprecedented investment in the Coast Guard’s Deepwater program included in this funding bill will … give the Coast Guard the resources they need to carry out their vital missions and make the American people safer,” Sen. Olympia Snowe, R-Maine, said after the Senate passed the bill, H.R. 5441.

Also included in the legislation is funding for a 2.2 percent pay raise for military personnel — the same increase as funded by the Defense Department Appropriations Act. It is the lowest yearly raise for active-duty service members since 1994.

The $7.8 billion budget is less than the administration’s $7.9 billion budget request, but it is 3 percent higher than the service’s approved fiscal 2006 budget of $7.8 billion.

A few accounts, including the operations expense account, saw funding declines. Others, like the Coast Guard’s acquisitions and research and development accounts, received gains.

Operating expenses are funded at $5.48 billion, down slightly from $5.49 billion in fiscal 2006.

The bill includes $1.33 billion for acquisition, construction and improvements; $16 million to remove or repair bridges; $17 million for research and development; $122 million for Reserve training; and $1.063 billion for retired pay.

According to a report produced by Senate and House conferees, the Coast Guard’s operating expenses were cut because the service has “high unobligated balances” in that account.

The lawmakers also chose to delete a funding request for a new Coast Guard headquarters complex in Washington, D.C.

Conferees said it was “premature to relocate the service’s headquarters” to the campus of St. Elizabeth’s Hospital until the Homeland Security Department has finalized plans for moving other agencies to the space.

But lawmakers also added onto operating expenses, providing $15 million to finance an increase in port security inspections at home and abroad.

In the service’s acquisition, construction and improvements column, lawmakers included $127 million to speed up development of a patrol boat to replace the service’s deteriorating 110-foot patrol boats.

According to the report, the Coast Guard can use the funding to purchase new patrol boats and fund service-life extension projects for the existing 110s.

The acquisitions account also includes $15 million for a new HH-60 Jayhawk to replace one lost during search and rescue mission in December 2004 and $49 million for avionics upgrades and a service life extension project for the HH-60s.

A portion of the $1.066 billion Deepwater funding will be used to purchase a maritime patrol aircraft, develop the Eagle Eye unmanned aerial vehicle and fund a construction of a new national security cutter.

Conferees expressed concern over Deepwater’s C4ISR acquisition efforts. In August, the Homeland Security Department’s inspector general faulted Coast Guard management for poor oversight of Deepwater’s technology programs.

Conference members directed the Coast Guard to brief Congress on the service’s plans to resolve its management and “demonstrate the technology’s value to operations.”

The lawmakers also ordered the Coast Guard to provide Congress numerous reports, including updates on its efforts to end the LORAN C navigation program, quarterly reports on the hours the service spends on its various missions, and quarterly updates on the status of the Rescue 21 advanced search-and-rescue communications system.

The conferees also directed the Government Accountability Office to report on the Coast Guard Academy’s handling of sexual harassment claims.

[NYTexan]

The guys have slightly better accommodations than the lobsters.

One bedroom with two twin beds and a sleeper sofa. (I got dibs on that) First in gets a bed! I can bring a cot for overflow guests.

[Kathy in Alaska]

Good morning, tt....that was the first thing I thought...."Look, I voted!!" LOL!

Did you get any wet stuff yet?

Mr Reeses Guy says, HI!!

[Jet Jaguar]

Thanks Ma, it was. :0)

[tongue-tied]

Oh I like that one better. Nice and shady...

[tongue-tied]

Hellooooo MA! And howdy to Sir Reese's. No rain yet, and now skies are cleared with no threat. Maybe before I leave I'll get to jump in da puddles. Allegra says she wants pics, so I have to set that up somehow.

[NYTexan]

Here's the view from the porch:

[tongue-tied]

Oh man, that is a great view. Wooded area, water right there, cooler sitting beside ya while you relax in the lawn chair, just watching the birds and listening to the wavessss...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Huh..wh...? Oh yessir, I'm awake! I'll finish that report right now Sir.

[SevenofNine]

Breaking news off SO CAL news anti war rally happening in Downtown LA they just shut down part of 101 freeway that goes down to Fed building all way to Ceaser Chavez street near the building

[NYTexan]

LOL!

And to top it off, my pal Chance will be there too!

[SandRat]

061004-N-1810F-054 Mayport, Fla. (Oct. 4, 2006) - Operation Specialist 1st Class Brian Low plays with his son after returning from a six-month deployment aboard the guided missile frigate USS Stephen W. Groves (FFG 29). Groves conducted two joint Coast Guard and Navy interdiction operations resulting in the interdiction of 2.8 metric tons of cocaine. In total, Groves interdicted 10.8 metric tons of cocaine while on deployment. U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Lynn Friant (RELEASED)

[Kathy in Alaska]

Wishing you some rain...LOL!!

[TASMANIANRED]

Chance is a good boy.

[TASMANIANRED]

Cheers and a tear...

Those homecoming pics are tear jerkers.

[TASMANIANRED]

Don't look in my direction before that wish has hit target.