Mid-West, anti-coaster Humor.

unknown ^ | 03-25-2002 | unknown

[EBUCK]

A message from the rural midwest:

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners And Californians cross states such as Kansas, Iowa, or Missouri, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders >understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter the State.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped... by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for... bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 70 goes two ways--Interstate 35 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot... his name is "Sir"... no matter how old he is.

>>Now, enjoy your visit and then go home... ASAP!

[EBUCK]

Thought some of our Mid-West FReepers would like this.

EBUCK

[petuniasevan]

Every one of those rules is true, and they all do apply.

I grew up in Southern California; I know the mindset. Never fitted in. I like it here in the Midwest, with my Midwestern husband, just fine.

[Bikers4Bush]

Those are excellent.

[mtngrl@vrwc]

Thought you might get a kick out of this!

[Free State Four]

I'm sending this directly to lagamorph. I'll flag you guys. fsf (PS: lagamorph and I will be at the debate tonight.)

[SoDak]

Those are good. The SD version is printed and on the door of my office.

[Constitution Day]

These are great.

FWIW, many of these still apply to places here on the rural East Coast!

[EBUCK]

I thought you folks might like them. I wanted to include Oregon in the wid-Weast mindset but we all know that Oregon is gettin kali-ized rapidly so I didn't add us to the list. Even though, in my town all those rules apply as well. We have one of the greatest steelhead spots in the country less than 20 minutes from my doorstep and get a lot of "elite" types there in season. Never seen so many mountaineers and tahoes in my life.

EBUCK

[Non-Sequitur]

A big ol' Kansas City bump, where I-35 and I-70 cross. We get the coasters coming and going.

[TroutStalker]

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for... bait.

Orvis rods come in heavy weights, too, for steelhead and salmon. ;-)

[Husker24]

#9 makes me hungry, maybe ill fry me up a steak later.

[Francohio]

I am cautiously approaching the true Midwest by living in beautiful Ohio. I prepared for this culture shock by dating a girl from Nebraska.

I have lived in both New York and California, but am recovering nicely, thank you.

[EBUCK]

New York and Kali? Wow, quite a bad case we have here. My prescription, go fishing, go hunting, and eat lots of red meat. You may just pull thru. LOL

EBUCK

[mamelukesabre]

At a bar I sometimes go(in iowa), a pint costs a buck and a game of pool costs 50 cents. This place doubles as a pizza joint by day, and there are hordes of little kids running around inside untill around 8 or 9:00PM every saturday night. The parking lot is gravel you can find conway twitty and elvis presley on the jukebox. The one and only cop in the town hangs out there as do several bikers and bib-wearing farmers.

[EBUCK]

It's pretty amazing how often you get bikers in small towns huh? We have quite a large colony of them in my town.

EBUCK

[mamelukesabre]

They don't like the cities any more than the rest of us. Away from the cities, the law leaves you alone as long as you don't raise a ruckus. In the cities, the law acts like being nosey is part of their job.

[GOP_1900AD]

The saddest thing for me was watching the state formerly known as California get turned into what it is now. When I was a child, much of what is written here applied in most of the state, including the Bay Area and LA burbs and hinterlands. I can clearly remember guns on the gun racks in pick up trucks as recently as the 1980s in many areas within a 50 mile radius of downtown SF. Now it would be unusual to even see a gun rack, including ones with fishing rods in them instead of rifles and shotguns! Cattle grazed a short walk from my childhood home and we used to get in apricot fights as a spring ritual. My, how times have changed and for the worse! The thing that adds insult to injury is that most of the quaternary urbanites who now dominate the state are from the very Eastern liberal hell holes that we used to make fun of (I say used to because doing so now is considered "hate speech" with dire consequences here in the PC police state.)

[Capt.YankeeMike]

sorry bud. a 90lb flat head will destroy anything orvis can come up with.....

[MJemison]

I am from WESTERN New York. Grew up on a dairy farm, still live on a farm. In our county (Wyoming, after which the state is named), there are more cows than people. Our town has no stoplight. It does have gaslights. And two coffee shops where carharts and tingleys (coveralls and boots to the un-initiated) are welcome. Turkey season and deer season are the biggest social events of the year. Our lakes are filled with walleyes. The biggest industry in New York is ------------- agriculture. But somehow, everyone seems to think that New York is just one big city. FYI

[EBUCK]

I sympathise with your plight. Oregon used to be a lot like your "old-kali", but once the eco-nazi-elite left kali in shambles they came up here to perpetuate the disease.

"Environmentalists, welcome to Oregon, please park at the border and walk in."

EBUCK