Keyword: satire
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Fox News reporter Bill Melugin's request to know the nationalities of persons on the terrorist watch list arrested after illegally entering the US was rebuffed by the Department of Homeland Security (DHS). Spokesperson Ikhil Yudhimmi explained that "the privacy interests of those apprehended outweigh the minimal level of public interest in such information." Melugin found the rejection and explanation "inane. I did not ask for any names, IDs, addresses, or law-enforcement information. The people on the terrorist watch list are not families with children seeking a better life. They are suspected of being here intending to attack, damage, and kill....
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This week, Harrison Butker, a player on the Kansas City Chiefs football team gave a commencement speech at Benedictine College--a small Catholic liberal arts college in Atchison, Kansas. In this speech Butker said to the women graduates "some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world." USA Today featured a column denouncing Butker's "extremist, Neanderthal views." On ABC's The View, the panelists chastised Butker for "not following the example of...
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It's been one whole year since Roe v. Wade was overturned, which means they've been making abortion illegal all over the place. So these are dark times, as NPR and InsiderNews have reported: https://www.npr.org/2022/10/22/113072... Because now that Roe v. Wade is overturned, a woman can get pregnant just by having sex. "I find myself in this really bizarre state where I'm asking guys about things like their values and trustworthiness before sleeping with them." "Before a girl would have sex with me, but now she's asking me all these dumb questions like, "Do you love me?" and "What happens if...
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While Manhattan district attorney Alvin Bragg has been pouring his energy into prosecuting Donald Trump for the crime of winning the 2016 presidential election against the heavily favored former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, crime in New York City (NYC) has taken a dismal turn. In 2023, of NYC's 109,000 prosecuted arrests only 7% resulted in imprisonment. Worse, over 70% of NYC's reported crimes remain unsolved. Repeat offenders, some of them violent, are routinely released without bail while awaiting prosecutions that may never occur. Bragg insists that "my priorities are not out-of-whack. All the assaults, robberies, rapes, and murders that...
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Details were still being ironed out, but it was confirmed yesterday that the world could now look forward to another debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. While Biden's list of conditions to agree to the debate made the rounds on social media, Trump's list of demands was not made public… until now. The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of Donald Trump's debate demands: Benny Hill music must be played whenever Biden wanders around the stage: His aimless shuffling will be much more entertaining to the viewing audience set to "Yakety Sax." Moderators have to be smoking hot:...
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — To avoid further embarrassment from bewildering and offensive speeches, White House officials have installed a breathalyzer on Kamala Harris's microphone. The decision was reportedly made in a closed-door meeting in which top administration advisers elected to equip her with a microphone that won't turn on unless she tests free of mind-altering drugs, and below the blood alcohol concentration threshold of 0.08%, "Hopefully this will help us avoid more disaster," said one White House insider. "We've just been going into these speeches blind. Everything will seem to be going smoothly, then all of a sudden she's up...
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In Britain, the vast majority of gang rapes are committed by Pakistani Muslims. In Denmark, "asylum seekers" from Muslim countries commit more crimes than citizens born in Denmark. In Sweden, more than 50% of the rapes are committed by "foreign born" assailants. Because of its open borders policy toward refugees from Muslim countries Sweden also has a firearms homicide rate twice that of any other European nation. In Germany, Marie-Thérèse Kaiser was fined $6,500 for publicly mentioning official government statistics showing that a disproportionate number of rapes are committed by Afghan "refugees." In the United Kingdom, the prediction that admitting...
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Former Congressman and Republican vice-presidential candidate in the 2012 election Paul Ryan confirmed that "I will not be voting for Donald Trump no matter what. Character matters. I cannot support a person of low character for the top job in our government." Ryan fended off criticism of President Joe Biden's character, saying "using his position in government to obtain bribes for his family and himself are the normal kind of abuse of power that is common in our politics. Almost everyone does it--Republicans and Democrats alike. Our country has and can continue to survive this type of self-serving misuse of...
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U.S. — College Students protesting Israel announced an indefinite hunger strike on Monday, which they say will occur between the hours of 10 AM and 5 PM, with an hour for lunch at noon with only some light snacking permitted from time to time. "We mean business!" said Princeton University student Jezebel Bashar. "It will be hard to eat absolutely nothing for part of the day followed by an after-lunch period of a few hours of not eating again, but we are committed!" On the first day of the hunger strike, protestors appeared visibly weakened with many resorting to emergency...
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“We had 20 people shot at that parade, and not one of them dies?” said Detective Rob Hurst, Hart’s partner at the scene. “If that’s not a miracle, you tell me what is.” Hovering near death, Cotton somehow dictated a statement from the intensive care unit that a close friend delivered to a hastily called New Orleans City Council hearing. “Do you know what it takes to be so disconnected in your heart that you walk out into a gathering of hundreds of people who look just like you and begin firing?” she asked. Alluding to the bleak circumstances facing...
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In a bid to outflank Biden for the women's vote, independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. came out in favor of abortion at any time and for any reason up until birth, saying "every baby's death is a tragedy. Many of them leave permanent trauma on a woman. But I think, ultimately, I don't trust government to have jurisdiction over people's bodies." This announcement stunned RFK's running mate Nicole Shanahan who insisted "that is not Bobby's position, at least as far as I understand it. My understanding is that he absolutely believes in limits on abortion, and we've talked...
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Former President Donald Trump's unusual request to be given "liberty or death" after the latest gag order fine imposed on him by Judge Juan Merchan, who is presiding over the trial in New York City, is being taken under consideration. "Strictly speaking, it would not appear that a judge could normally decide whether to grant a plea of 'give me liberty or give me death,'" Merchan observed. "However, this is not a normal prosecution. Unprecedented actions have been taken to overrule the statute of limitations that normally would've prevented this trial from taking place. Charges that were previously dismissed by...
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This week in an interview with CNN's Erin Burnett, President Biden dismissed the 30% rise in food prices since he took office, saying "people can afford it. Thanks to Bidenomics, they have the money to spend. I've personally canceled billions of dollars in student debt. We're putting newly arrived immigrants up in hotels and feeding them. We're subsidizing electric vehicles so drivers don't have to pay high gas prices. Most of us have credit cards, savings, or EBTs. Many of our cities have effectively legalized shoplifting items of less than a thousand dollars. There's no crisis. The Republicans are gas-lighting...
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NEW YORK CITY, NY — Former President Donald Trump made sure members of the jury in the Stormy Daniels hush money trial knew the adult film actress was much much hotter when he first met her. "She was an eight or a nine back then, let me tell you," Trump explained to members of the jury. "Now she's a bit of a dog; Dogface Daniels, that's what they call her. But not when I met her, I would never touch a dog, not a dog guy. Not that I did touch her…but if I had…she was smokin'. Don't know what...
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Even though US District Court Judge Terry Doughty found the FBI's efforts to pressure social media companies to censor content the government maintained was disinformation violated the First Amendment and issued an injunction barring federal agencies from continuing the practice, Sen. Mark Warner (D-Va), chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee, says "FBI spokesman William Truncheon informed me that they are gearing up to resume these efforts heading into the 2024 election season. Though Judge Doughty's ruling was upheld by the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals, the Supreme Court lifted the injunction until it rules on the Murthy v. Missouri case...
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This week, the case against former President Trump for mishandling classified documents took some surprising turns. Investigative journalist Julie Kelly discovered that the boxes of documents seized from Trump's Mara-La-Go home were boxes that the General Services Administration told Trump he needed to take off their hands. He is now being tried for having these documents in his possession against the wishes of the National Archives. Despite claiming he had no role in the decision to prosecute Trump for unauthorized possession of classified documents--something he has done, but was excused because of his dementia--newly unredacted documents reveal that President Biden...
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https://youtu.be/tyXLLF-L8_0?si=95mbTzi8zPg_z_XB woke jesus 5 min 56 sec
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The unbroken string of economic disasters that is Bidenomics now has a solid explanation. Jared Bernstein, the Chairman of the President's Council of Economic Advisers doesn't understand economics. While being interviewed for the newly released documentary Finding the Money, he was unable to explain how the Federal Reserve creates money--something I taught to freshmen in macroeconomics classes for 23 years. "The government definitely prints money, and it definitely lends that money by selling bonds," Bernstein guessed. "Is that what they do? They sell bonds, yeah, they sell bonds. Right? Since they sell bonds, and people buy the bonds and lend...
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KYIV — In a televised address, President Volodymyr Zelensky of Ukraine claimed to have survived a harrowing assassination attempt and would be happy to disclose the thrilling details for a paltry 45 billion dollars. "I almost died," Zelensky reported. "And for the low price of 45 billion dollars, I will tell you all about it." "I promise you, it's very exciting!" The White House confirmed that President Biden telephoned Zelensky immediately, eager for the gritty details, but could not pry further information from Zelensky. "I'd love to tell you, friend, but I'm afraid news about my assassination attempt is exclusive...
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In South Carolina, state representative and congressional candidate Adam Morgan wondered "why is the state Medicaid Office giving voter registration forms to non-citizens seeking health care?" In response, Gov. Henry McMaster (R) said "the integrity of our elections is and must remain a top priority. I have asked the South Carolina Law Enforcement Division (SLED) to investigate." Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre pointed out "in March 2021 President Biden issued an executive order called Promoting Access to Voting that authorized the expenditure of public funds to increase the number of people who vote in our elections. This non-partisan initiative has...
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