Him! ;o)
Posted on 07/31/2006 10:51:10 AM PDT by Millee
Forgive the shameless plug, but this is the entry we had to have. Think of it as our first, fumbling kiss… I promise to be gentle. The name of this blog and, the reason I landed this gig, are because of a book I've just written titled No Tattoos Before You're Thirty… what I'll tell my children. Conceived as an advice guide to my yet-to-be-born kiddies, it grew out of a column for a Sunday newspaper. In the book, the very first pearl I impart to my daughter is: "All men are liars. Any male between the age of thirteen and death who says 'I just want to be friends' wants to sleep with you. Men will say anything to get you in bed and none of them are to be trusted." Now, here's the bizarre thing…
Both of the female editors I worked with (at the publishing house and at my former Sunday newspaper) wanted to change this not-altogether-original advice to read: "All men are liars (well, most of them anyway)."
Their reasoning was and, I paraphrase, "you can't generalise, not all men are like you."
Really? And maybe I can interest you in buying the Harbour Bridge?
Men lie about everything: we lie about where we've been, who we were with and, especially, what we were doing. We lie about how much we like our girlfriend's cooking, clothes, friends, family, boobs and the boobs of their friends and family.
We lie about our income, exes, ambitions, how many women we've slept with, beers we've drunk, our abiding affection for pornography and what the hell that rash is.
"We lie so much it's like a second language," says comedian Chris Rock.
Why do men lie?
Simply; to avoid confrontation, pain and, ultimately, the growth that being truthful requires. The majority of men are still boys and we like things just the way they are, thank you. Taunts of 'why don't you grow up?' are like video game sweat off Lara Croft's back.
The more intriguing question, for me anyhow, is why do women lie?
As Chris Rock says: "You know what a man's lie is like? 'I was at Kenny's house'. A woman's lie is like, 'It's your baby'."
I've learned this lesson, to a degree, beating myself up for the tiny fibs I thought were tainting the sanctity of a relationship, only to call my girlfriend at her friend's place and hear…
"Aww, did she say was sleeping here tonight? I'm really sorry, Sam."
Still, I'm not cynical; I'm a pragmatist. I just expect that sooner or later, a woman is going to tell me a whopper that, if discovered, would change the course of both our lives.
What I don't get, is women, usually university educated, dating guys wearing skivvies, who insist men are different: that there are bad guys who lie and good guys who don't.
So, lemme clear that up for you right now, ladies.
The bad guys lie to get in your pants.
The good guys lie to get in your heart.
Simple. With men, it's a taught behavior. Women learn how lie earlier than fish learn how to swim. And they do it better.
"Men lie about everything: we lie about where we've been, who we were with and, especially, what we were doing. We lie about how much we like our girlfriend's cooking, clothes, friends, family, boobs and the boobs of their friends and family."
Now thats a dadgum lie. I'm usually very serious and honest when discussing boobs.
I will expect a screed on how women lie...constantly.
Yikes how off quickly the top did that post come to you.
cripplecreek not just a screen name.
Him! ;o)
The Pathological Liar Picks Up Jerry Hall
.....Jerry Hall
Tommy Flanagan.....Jon Lovitz
.....Mick Jagger
Bartender: What can I get you?
Jerry Hall: Uh.. I think I'll have a white wine spritzer. [ he places it on the counter and moves aside ] Can I get a light? [ pulls out a cigarette ]
Tommy Flanagan: [ swaying next to her with a cigarette lighter extended toward her ] I got it!
Jerry Hall: Thank you.
Tommy Flanagan: My name's Tommy, Dr. Tom.. uh.. Senator Tommy Flanagan.
Jerry Hall: Really?
Tommy Flanagan: Mmm hmm.. Say, haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Jerry Hall: I doubt it.
Tommy Flanagan: Oh, I know! I saw you at the.. White House! Yeah, that's the ticket. Why, I was just there last.. uh.. yesterday. Yeah.. having dinner with the Royal Family.
Jerry Hall: Which Royal Family?
Tommy Flanagan: Uh.. the one on TV. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a producer, you know. Big-time tele.. movie producer. Yeah, that's the ticket! So, what do you do?
Jerry Hall: Oh, I do some modeling, I wrote a book, and I'm into rock and roll.
Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah? I wrote a book about rock and roll. Yeah, it was about the guy who invented rock and roll. Yeah, that's it! In fact, it was.. it was an autobiography! Yeah!
Jerry Hall: [ not buying it ] You invented rock and roll?
Tommy Flanagan: Mmm hmm. Swing, too. Yeah, I played with all the big bands - Elvis Presley, Benny Goodman, Buddy Holly, The Who..
Jerry Hall: And I suppose you played with The Stones, too, huh?
Tommy Flanagan: Well, now you're being silly! I never played with them.
Jerry Hall: I didn't think so.
Tommy Flanagan: No. I managed them! Yeah.. I did. In fact, I wrote all their songs, too. You remember "Satisfaction"? I wrote it!
Jerry Hall: You did not write "Satisfaction".
Tommy Flanagan: Well.. not all of it. Actually.. uh.. Mick Jagger wrote it. Yeah, that's it! But it was originally called, uh.. "I Can't Get No.. uh.. Service in This Place".. and I changed it!
Jerry Hall: You know Mick Jagger?
Tommy Flanagan: Yeah. We were in Vietnam together. In fact, I saved his life.
Jerry Hall: He was never in 'Nam.
Tommy Flanagan: That's how I saved his life - I talked him out of going!
Jerry Hall: Come on! you never met Mick Jagger!
Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah? How do you know?
Jerry Hall: Because I'm his wife.
Tommy Flanagan: Oh. [ looks at her hand ] Yeah, well, where's your wedding band?
Jerry Hall: We're not exactly married.
Tommy Flanagan: Ah-ha! I knew you were lying!
Jerry Hall: Well, I am his girlfriend. [ looks to her side ] In fact, here he is now!
Mick Jagger: Hi, darling! I'm sorry I'm a little late. I was.. locked in the studio.
Jerry Hall: Never mind, let's just get going.. [ gets up ]
Tommy Flanagan: [ faking ] Hey, Mick, how you doing! It's me, Tommy! Remember?
Mick Jagger: Who's this guy?
Jerry Hall: Some guy named "Tommy", who thinks he knows you.
Mick Jagger: [ thinking ] Oh, yeah.. I know him!
Tommy Flanagan: [ surprised ] You do?
Jerry Hall: [ also surprised ] Really?
Mick Jagger: Yeah. You remember last weekend when I didn't come home? Uh.. I.. I was.. I was with Tommy. That's right! We were.. we were.. uh.. [ Tommy pantomimes fishing ] ..fishing together! That's the ticket! Right, Tommy?
Tommy Flanagan: [ on the spot ] Yeah, Mick, that's the ticket! You and me, fishing! Yeah! You bet!
Mick Jagger: We caught one this big! [ holds his arms out a couple of feet, while Tommy holds his out twice as much ]
Jerry Hall: [ not interested, wanting to go ] Come on.. [ pulls Mick out of the bar ]
Tommy Flanagan: See? I told you I knew him.
Mick Jagger: [ whispering to Tommy as he passes ] Thanks, buddy, I owe you for this one. [ faces the camera before he exits ] "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"
Wonder what kind of truth would come out of women if a man asked:
Do you still feel aroused when you smell the cologne and think of the understanding ice blue eyes of Mr. X that knew your inner soul?
"{{SIGH}} No of course not runner-up uhm honey. I've completely forgotten how his arms felt wrapped around me, and his hot breath on my neck.. all about him."
I didn't have a first fumbling kiss because I had to keep up the lie that I knew what I was doing.
...But I think that proves the author's point.
PS - I'd like to think that I lie to get into her heart, but I could be lying about that too.
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