We’ve been through this with three parents between us. One of the best pieces of advice we got was from a nurse who noticed that it was a little upsetting to talk with Mom and, for example, have her going on about having had lunch with “Joe,” who had passed away decades ago, or many other experiences that had not actually occurred, at least “yesterday.”
I asked the nurse if she had any advice on how to handle these things. She told us to simply go along and not challenge Mom’s reality. She said that telling a person she hadn’t had lunch with Joe because Joe was dead — which we hadn’t done, but still — just ended up frightening the person. They apparently think they really did have lunch with Joe, so it’s very unsettling to be told that they did not (much less to be told that Joe was dead).
The nurse’s advice was to say “how nice, I’ll bet you enjoyed that.” Which, of course, on some level, in her mind, Mom did! So responding like that would actually make Mom beam and light up — sometimes she would begin telling us all about what they had for lunch and so on. And she would really enjoy the “memory” as she told it. So she was happy, we were happier, and no harm was done. For all we know, maybe Mom really was remembering a long-ago lunch with Joe and just pegging it as having happened yesterday.
This brought a lot more joy and peacefulness to our conversations.
Also if Mom came up with something that upset her — such as “last night there was a man at the window holding a knife in his mouth” (real example) — the nurse suggested also accepting that as Mom’s reality, but being calm and matter-of-fact about it. So our response was something like, “It’s nice to have windows that have such thick, strong glass, isn’t it?.” Worked for Mom. And then we’d be on to the next thing.
Doesn’t sound like much, but this understanding of how to approach things that Mom expressed that were only happening in her head was really, really helpful.
I’m going to pass your comment on to my father. My mother is suffering from dementia & talks CONSTANTLY about having conversations with her mother & father (now deceased). I usually just play along a little & then try to move to another subject - but my father gets upset about it & tells her that her parents are “gone to be with the LORD”. She usually starts crying and asks when did they die?
This happens several times a day - Daddy says he just gets tired of hearing it & says he won’t play along with her. He seems to be under the impression that she can be reasoned with.
I was glad to see you post this...we are going through this terrible time with my Father right now...he can't remember what he did 30 minutes ago, but has no problem remembering his childhood or military service ID number...he can still rattle off that number and his social security number without batting an eye...his primary care doctor told us to "bring him back" when he drifted off talking about the old days...that just seemed to get him very frustrated and angry at times...I told my Mom to just go along with him...in a few minutes he forgets what he was talking about anyway...and at 86, why cause him undue frustration or make him angry??...