Posted on 06/14/2010 1:48:57 PM PDT by savedbygrace
A few days ago, my wife suddenly, without forewarning that I ever detected, told me she is leaving me. The details are not important, only that I recognize it was mostly my fault.
Our grown daughter is leaving home about the same time. Within three weeks, I will be alone, with only my Golden Retriever as a companion. I'm calling on God, and he is answering, but in this physical world, it's only my Golden.
Heartbroken, deeply wounded, ashamed. That's me.
I'm hoping to receive words of advice and counsel. I'm a born again, spirit filled Christian, so I'll respond more readily to Christian-based advice and counsel, but I'm ready to accept whatever you have for me. I'm needy.
Sounds like another case of the wife cashing out and dumping the old guy after the kids are grown. I can tell you that she knew this was coming 2 years ago so she’s probably got all the cash she’s going to take, but close the accounts anyway. Same with the CC’s because you will end up paying the balance even if it grows before the divorce is final.
It takes on average 5 years for the husband to recover financially. But you will recover. You will go through a period here shortly where common sense goes out the window and you will be tempted to do nutty things...like follow her around, wonder what she’s up to, hack her emails. Well, this period will end after about 3 months and you have to try and get through it without doing something truly regrettable. You are going to grieve now. She did her grieving last year.
Stay in the house if at all possible. By leaving you give up a huge position. Keep any non-ordered maintenance as small as possible because this will be used as a foundation for any possible future maintenance. This is not the time to be generous with your money.
Life goes on.
Oh..I would suggest paying more cash in order to keep your retirement intact for yourself if possible.
go get “the love dare” and do it.
He was devastated. She was a minister and they were very active in church. They did everything together.
In the past two years he has had a transformation. He is out dating several women, travels alot, taken up new hobbies and is as bright and happy as could be. Of course he still has somber times but he has not just moved forward but has raced to the front.
Kind of like blues music. It is sad but it makes you happy.
Anyway, you'll have some down time but use it for introspection and think about the things that have made you happy these past few years.
Then go out and get some life!
Then, when the time comes, find yourself a good women....
...then throw the TV out the window.
(No, I'm not kidding)
Whatever you do, don’t play the hang-dog and give her everything. I’ve never met a divorced person who said, later, “I wish I had given him/her everything they wanted.” Instead, they regret not fighting for half of the house or whatever.
There’s a spiritual side to this where you must depend on God for comfort and direction, but there’s another side where you’ll have to make decisions about who gets what, parental visitation and so on. If you don’t feel you’re up to fighting for what is yours’, get an attorney who will do it for you.
I’m not sure you’re in the best position to determine, without forewarning, who did what to whom - or who caused what. Not at this point at any rate.
Without warning implies no counselling occurred, or is going to occur.
It isn’t over until the divorce papers are signed, and even then there’s ‘buyer’s remorse’ on the divorce and people end up being remarried.
Unless she’s dead, nothing is over until you’ve exhausted either your options or yourselves.
This sounds like it just happened. I’d go to a counsellor by yourself to start, and then see whether she’d be up to going sometime soon down the road.
My 2 cents at least. Keep praying is the other advice. I’d pray NOT for what you want, but for God to reveal His will and to give you the courage to carry it out.
The Golden is great news ... far less troublesome than a woman...
Try my attorney ,, he’s good .. the youtube link is a testimonial from one of his clients.
www.bettercallsaul.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4LYA_bQJNg
It is by no means a laughing matter, but that was funny right there.
I too was a broken man for a while. For a long while.
But eventually I got over it. My problem was I kept fighting against it, instead of just letting it go. Once I let go, everything is fine.
A lieutenant once said to me after my divorce, and this is a true quote:
My biggest fear when I was married was that my wife would leave me. My biggest fear after she left was that she would come back.
Had you made a gratitude list of the 10 things you were most grateful for last week, I’m certain you’re wife would have been one of the 10. Now that she’s decided to leave, focus on the other 9 items on the list.
Look at your feet, and the floor under them often. THAT is where you are. Do everything you can to live in the present moment. Not even God can change the past, and He has not revealed the future yet. Communicate with Him often.
Find something that interests you that involves working with others. Often when I feel that my life couldn’t get any worse, I listen to, then share my experience strength and hope with others who have it FAR worse than myself.
Having Faith means never having to ask why....
See my tagline
Go be of service. WHatever it is, find a purpose. Get involved in something. Animal shelter, homeless shelter, old-folks home, etc. STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD. Get active in your local church - one that has a lot of activities. Wednesday Bible study.
Don’t self indulge. That is what the enemy wants. In Christ we can walk thru ANYTHING. Other people will let us down. He will not.
Ask your estranged wife what you can do to help her. Do NOT have hate in your heart for her. Pray that she may find the Lord and peace and happiness. She obviously has neither at this moment. Her’s is the sad story here. She is still searching. She is the one who is being tormented.
You will come out better on the other side of this. Peace Brother.
(Also consider rescuing a companion for your Golden. The antics of multiple dogs will bring you cheer, and they will keep each other company while you are out being of service).
Just don’t waste 5 years of your life wallowing in self-pity like I did.
"How do you pick up the threads of an old life?
How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand.
There is no going back.
There are some things that time cannot mend.
Some hurts go too deep.
That have taken hold.
My dear.
You cannot always be torn in two.
You have to be one and whole for many years.
You have so much to enjoy and to be and to do.
Because, your part in the journey goes on."
-LOTR: ROTK
Anyway, it helped me. Perspective is everything.
You say that the “details are not important” and that you recognize it’s mostly your fault. If you were the cause of the breakup of your marriage and if you truly want a second chance then you need to fight for her. If you just want to feel sorry for yourself then that is your choice. Maybe she is waiting to see what kind of man you are and whether you are willing to make the sacrifices necessary to hang on to her. It’s just a suggestion. Good luck.
“only that I recognize it was mostly my fault. “
First of all, that’s not true so stop saying that right now. It takes two. TWO!
Having been divorced TWICE (yes TWICE), here’s what I have to say. Please keep remembering that THIS IS TEMPORARY. The pain will never go away completely but it will diminish with time.
You are lucky to have your dog. Hooray! Go for a walk with your little furry pal - long walks every day. Do not watch sad stuff on TV or watch sad movies. Think of what makes you happy and do it (if it’s legal and won’t hurt anyone).
I noticed that you didn’t blame the other person. Good for you!! That just leads to more heartache.
Hold your head up high, FReeper pal. Others have gone before you and survived.
You will laugh again. Don’t let Satan trip you up. He’s a dang liar and the father of all lies. Trust Jesus Christ, our Best Friend in all the world.
You’ll make it; endure. That smile will return. You just wait and see.
If you feel yourself slipping into "serious" mode, run, don't walk away from that person. Explain why you are doing it, but DO IT. Then, after the year (or more) has passed, if you still want to see her, look her up.
Of course, during all this time, you should be doing a lot of praying, and don't forget the listening to God part. Also, never be afraid to ask God for that "wet fleece" of confirmation that you are hearing Him and not just hearing yourself.
Amen brother.
Hang in there. Don’t give up,,,ever. And as false friends fall away, your true ones will be there. PLEASE Stay involved in your congregation. You sound like a decent man sir,,
Your post breaks my heart. You’ve gotten a lot of good advice on this thread, (and sadly, plenty of anti-woman remarks, which is typical of FR.) Anyway, I hope you take to heart the *good* advice. I will be among those praying earnestly for you. Hang in there. It will get better.
The event was fourteen years ago. It struck me harder than anything else that has ever occurred.
I will make some suggestions:
Pick up this book
http://www.amazon.com/Psalms-Lament-Ann-Weems/dp/0664220746
It is called Psalms of Lament by Ann Weems. You will need to learn how to Lament to grieve and grow. This book will explain that lamentation as done in the Psalms has a solid Old Testament foundation and how it differs from other prayers and why.
The next suggestion is don't do things in your divorce that you will regret later. Protect yourself, get a lawyer but don't be vindictive and vile. You want to sit in church with that side of the family when that daughter gets married or when grandchildren come along and bad faith on your wife's part does not require such actions by you.
The third thing is do not project or plan a future or outcome to your immediate issue of divorce or your future life in general. If your next year or two is like mine, God may grant you gifts that you cannot imagine with nothing but good honest care and conduct as your only necessary input.
Share with those you trust your immediate daily challenges and be open. Don't do things just because a buddy suggests it but be open to the support of your freinds and family -- but you have to ask for that support.
After a year of hell, I find myself, another thirteen years later, happily married with a wonderful marriage I couldn't have imagined or even understood at the time.
I thought my life was finished as far as new beginnings, joy and wonder and instead I found that the Lord could work in ways I had not imagined. I lost everything I had virtually and now consider myself well off after the passage of time.
Lament, take the high road and trust in your own good actions from this day forward and trust the Lord.
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