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Jilly:

Thanks for your response about the “jackwagons” being everywhere. It’s hard to believe how people act sometimes. We cancer patients, however, do have compassion for other cancer patients. I find there is an abundance of it in myself. You know how the “newbies” feel when they first hear they have cancer, you sympathize with those just starting chemo and radiation and you admire the “long-timers” who are near to reaching their five year mark of no cancer.

I’ll tell you the truth, with my basic rebellious nature, I was at first really angry about having cancer. When I first heard the diagnosis, I was alone, I basically said to the doctor “Oh Sh....t”, but I didn’t cry. When my husband came home from his business trip the next day I allowed myself to finally cry. I was not scared I figured if it is my time so be it. I WAS surprised, however, by the outpouring of support from people I hardly knew.

My real anger, which I am still processing, is with the jackwagons. I told hubby when I was in the middle of chemo, etc. that I am going to say whatever I want now to those people. I am still working on that because it is my nature to be a people-pleaser, a go-along-to-get-along type and an appeaser. Fighting cancer is not the time to be that way. You have to concentrate on yourself, for a change!

Crying at the drop of hat, whether it’s because of the chemicals injected into you, the situation you are in, whatever, releases pent up fear, anger, resentment and all the other emotions that should not be stored up during your battle with cancer. Let ‘er rip, because storing up those emotions is bad for you. If you cry, for instance, in the middle of a restaurant, just tell the waitress the food is so AWFUL it makes you cry! Just kiddin.

I called my hated cancer tumor “Black Bart” because I saw the darn thing on the ultrasound and it was kinda ominous and scary looking. I was determined to kill the darn thing and I think I did.

This thread is ideal for all of us. What a wonderful idea to have it for all of us to vent, ask questions, compare notes since we all have an understanding of what it is like to fight cancer.

The jackwagons and insensitive “stupid-ohs” we are encountering, whether a relative or not, are to me excess baggage which I don’t need. There are so many other kind people you will meet during your fight with cancer-it is amazing!

If my hemocrit reading, or hemoglubin reading, which is the red blood cell count, remains low then I’ll tackle the reconstruction stuff next year. For now I’ll just walk lopsided with the right side of my chest much larger than the left! Leaning right is better than leaning left!

Tip for all: Don’t wear a white bra with a sorta filmy blouse. I forgot about that on vacation and the picture taken of me in that outfit is hilarious. Talk about being “unbalanced”.

Gotta laugh at this stuff-there is humor possible in our situation, just kind of a dark humor.

Take care.

“Lopsided Bunches”

Yesterday I got a wig.

I wasn’t planning on it, initially had proclaimed that I wasn’t going that route, was totally ok being “fuzzy wuzzy” and yet...there I was, toting a little bag of fake hair home, compliments of ACS.
I had attended their class they have, “Look Good, Feel Better”, at our cancer center. I admit, I went for the goodies-you get makeup and stuff to take home, donated by well known cosmetic companies-but I also got some great tech tips about scarves and a cool way to use old T-shirts to make an easy turban. (which I immediately tried as soon as I got home!) They finished with a talk about wigs, how to chose one, care of, etc. It was a good class...I would recommend it.

Anyway, my neighbor and friend was with me, since my car is being stupid(again!), she was my ride but she sat in with the class. As we were leaving she said why don’t we stop at the ACS wig shop on our way out? Oh...I dunno...I said, I wasn’t too hip on the notion. She kept at me like a kid wanting a cookie. Oh alright! but just for a minute.
Most of the wigs on display were most definitely not my type or color, and my friend kept pointing out ones for me that were absolutely geriatric! Jeez! My mom wore her hair like that! Are you insane?

Finally, the little lady volunteer pulled a couple of wigs out of a drawer that were close to my color and much more contemporary. The first one I tried was ‘eh’ and didn’t look good at all...too ‘wiggy’ looking. But then...
I tried the other one, the volunteer helped with getting it adjusted right and brushed the bangs out of my eyes and fussed with the back some and when I got a good look at myself I couldn’t believe it. That was “me”. Me when I had hair. The style was so dang close to what I had had and the color was near spot on. I began to cry. It was an odd sensation. On one hand I was elated at how good I looked, but on the other sad at the fact that it was a wig and not really “me”. The past (how I was before cancer) and future (after cancer when my hair comes back) melded together with no place for the hairless present at that moment. I could have never imagined how emotional it would be, just the simple act of trying on a wig but it was. All the other gals in the wig shop were ooohing and ahhhing at how great that thing looked on my head. My friend kept saying ‘Wow! That’s the gal I knew! It looks just like your old hair!’
The volunteer hugged me as I sobbed like a big ol’ dummy on her arm. The next thing I knew I was leaving there with that wig in a bag.

I have no idea if I will use it that much. I have such mixed feelings about it right now. I love how it looks on me, but at the same time I feel slight guilt about it. It’s weird. One of my friends-an 8 yr. survivor-said she only used hers on Sundays to church. LOL, maybe that’ll be my plan. Although we do have the school Christmas concert coming up...
It’ll take some getting used to, that’s for sure!

Don’t wear a white bra with a sorta filmy blouse. I forgot about that on vacation and the picture taken of me in that outfit is hilarious. Talk about being “unbalanced”.

LOL! Photoshop the phrase "This space for rent" over the area in question.

; )

You know, I'm not really angry at anyone or anything about this. I'm trying to see the lessons in this and I had prayed that God would allow me to show others His love thru this situation and I admit I have had a odd kind of joy now thru all this so far. The pinheads do annoy me, but I try to tell myself they can't help it, they're just stupid. LOL. At times I wonder if it's worth the energy to go off on 'em or to try and set them straight with facts, but I think they're kinda like hard core Obama voters-you can't change their minds or help them, they have to come to the realization on their own...if ever. : )