Three Things You Don’t Know About Your Children and Sex

AnneMarieMiller ^ | August 19, 2013 | Anne Marie Miller

[NYer]

Dear Parents,

Please allow me a quick moment to introduce myself before we go much further. My name is Anne Marie Miller. I’m thirty-three years old. I’m newly married to a wonderful man named Tim. We don’t have any children yet, but we plan to. For the purpose of this letter, you need to know I’m a recovering addict. Pornography was my drug of choice.

I grew up in the church – the daughter of a Southern Baptist preacher man with a passion for learning the Bible. I was the honors student; the athlete; the girl who got along with everyone from the weird kids to the popular ones. It was a good life. I was raised in a good home.

It was 1996, I was sixteen, and the Internet was new. After my family moved from a sheltered, conservative life in west Texas to the ethnically and sexually diverse culture of Dallas/Fort Worth, I found myself lonely, curious, and confused.

Because of the volatile combination of life circumstances: the drastic change of scenery when we moved, my dad’s depression, and a youth pastor who sexually abused me during my junior year of high school, I turned to the Internet for education. I didn’t know what certain words meant or if what the youth pastor was doing to me was good or bad and I was too afraid to ask. What started as an innocent pursuit of knowledge quickly escalated into a coping mechanism.

When I looked at pornography, I felt a feeling of love and safety – at least for a brief moment. But those brief moments of relief disappeared and I was left even more ashamed and confused than when I started. Pornography provided me both an emotional and a sexual release.

For five years I carried this secret. I was twenty-one when I finally opened up to a friend only because she opened up to me first about her struggle with sexual sin. We began a path of healing in 2001 and for the last twelve years, although not a perfect journey, I can say with great confidence God has set me free from that addiction and from the shame that followed. I returned to school to study the science behind addiction and family dynamics.

Over the last six years I’ve had the opportunity to share my story in a variety of venues: thousands of college students, men, women and teens. This summer, I was invited to speak at several camps to both junior high and high school students and it’s without exaggeration when I tell you with each year I counsel students, the numbers and the stories shock me more and more.

There are more students compulsively looking at pornography at younger ages and with greater frequency than ever before.

This summer, by a long stretch, was the “worst” in terms of what secrets I learned students carried. After my last night speaking at my last camp, I retreated to my room and collapsed on the bed face-first. Tim simply laid his hand on my back to comfort me.

I could not logically reconcile in my mind all the confessions I heard over the summer with the children who shared them. While every story was unique in the details, in most situations, there were three common themes that kept surfacing.

1. Google is the new Sex-Ed: Remember the first time you, as a parent, saw pornography? Likely it was a friend’s parent who had a dirty magazine or maybe you saw something somebody brought to school. Now, when a student hears a word or phrase they don’t understand, they don’t ask you what it means (because they fear getting in trouble). They don’t ask their friends (because they fear being ashamed for not knowing). They ask Google.Google won’t judge them for not knowing. Because of our short attention spans and desire for instant gratification, they don’t click the first link that shows up – they go straight to Google Images. In almost all of the stories I heard, this is how someone was first exposed to pornography – Google Image searching. The average age of first exposure in my experience was 9 years old.
2. If Your Child was Ever Molested, You Likely Don’t Know: Another extremely common theme was children being inappropriately touched, often by close family members or friends. When I was molested at sixteen, I didn’t tell a soul until I was in my twenties. I didn’t tell my own mother until I was twenty-eight. The stigma and shame of being a victim coupled with the trauma that happens with this experience is confusing to a child of any age: our systems weren’t made to process that event. Many things keep children from confessing abuse: being told they’ve made it up or are exaggerating, being a disappointment, and in most cases, getting the other person in trouble. While a child can look at pornography without being abused, children who have been molested by and large look at pornography and act out sexually. 
3. Your Child is Not the Exception: After speaking with a youth pastor at a camp, he said most parents live with the belief their child is the exception. Your child is not. The camps I went to this summer weren’t camps full of children on life’s fringes that one would stereotypically believe experience these traumatic events or have access to these inappropriate things. You must throw your stereotypes aside. Most of the children at these camps were middle class, mostly churched students. Let me give you a snapshot of a few things I heard from these students:

• They’ve sent X-rated photos of themselves to their classmates (or received them).
• They’ve exposed themselves to strangers on the Internet or through sexting.
• They’ve seen pornography.
• They’ve read pornography.
• They’ve watched pornography.
• The girls compare their bodies to the ones they see in ads at the mall or of actresses and keep those images hidden on their phone (or iPod, or whatever device they have) so they can try to imitate them.
• They question their sexuality.
• They’ve masturbated.
• They know exactly where and in what movies sex scenes are shown and they watch them for sexual gratification.
• They’ve had a homosexual experience.

And they’re terrified to tell you.

But maybe you’re right. Maybe your child is the exception. I would argue at this juncture in life, being the exception is as equally dangerous.

At the end of every session I presented I intentionally and clearly directed students to ask me or another leader if they didn’t understand or know what a certain word meant. “Do not go to the Internet and look it up.”

Sure enough, there is always the child who stays behind until everyone leaves and quietly asks what the word “porn” means or if God is angry because that boy or girl from down the street told them it was okay for them to touch them “down there.” There is the child in the back row who leans over to his friend and asks, “what does molest mean?” and the other boy shrugs.

This summer, I am beyond grateful that mature, God-fearing adults were available to answer those questions with grace and tact and maturity; that we were in a setting that was safe for questions and confessions. It was entirely appropriate. Not every child gets that opportunity. Most won’t. Most will find out from the Internet or from a peer who isn’t equipped to provide the correct answer in the correct context.

As the summer camp season ends, I feel a shift in my heart. For the last six years, I’ve felt a calling to share with students how God has set me free from the shame and actions of my past and that they aren’t alone (because they truly believe they are). One college dean referred to me as “the grenade we’re tossing into our student body to get the conversation of sex started” because they realized how sweeping these topics under the rug caused their students to live trapped and addicted and ashamed. I will continue sharing my testimony in that capacity as long as there is a student in front of me that needs to hear it.

However, I am more aware now more than ever before in my ministry how little parents know about what’s happening. And because I’m not a parent, I feel terribly inadequate in telling you this.

But I can’t not tell you. After seeing the innocence in the eyes of ten year olds who’ve carried secrets nobody, let alone a child, should carry; after hearing some of the most horrific accounts from students I’ve ever heard this year, I cannot go one more day without pleading with you to open up and have these difficult conversations with your children. Would you prefer your son or daughter learn what a “fetish” is from you or from searching Google Images? Talk to them about abuse and yes, even trafficking.

Just this month I met a relative of a girl whose own mother was selling her body from the time she was five until now, when she’s sixteen. This was not in some drug-infested ghetto. It was in a very upscale town in a very upscale state known for its nature and beauty and summer houses.

Your children need to know. If not for them, maybe for a friend. Maybe they can help bring context or see warning signs.

Ask them what they know. Ask them what they’ve done. Ask them what’s been done to them. Show grace and love. Stay far away from judgment and condemnation. If you feel ill equipped, ask a pastor or counselor for help. If you hear an answer you didn’t expect and your first instinct is to dismiss it – don’t. Find a counselor. Look for resources. Continue following up. If you struggle with this (and let’s admit it, statistically, a lot of us do), get help too.

Do the right thing, the hard thing, for the sake of your children. If we don’t do this now, I am terrified of how the enemy will continue stealing hope and joy from our youngest generation and how they’ll be paralyzed to advance the Kingdom of God as they mature.

We cannot let this happen on our watch.

*Specific details that could identify children have been changed in such a way that it does not affect the story and only protects the children. Mandatory Reporters reported confessions that involved abuse or neglect or situations that indicated a child was in any type of danger by using proper state laws and procedures.

[steve86]

AdBlock and legitimate variations (unless you’re running a counterfeit, compromised copy) do not autocorrect.

[Gabz]

Please see my comment at #28.

[Future Snake Eater]

Good analysis.

[Daffynition]

[Daffynition]

[Daffynition]

[Daffynition]

[yellowdoghunter]

I know someone whose parents were a lot like what u described. She was molested by an uncle but they never believed her. Time has healed a lot of the wounds but they have never had a close relationship. Over time tho she has come to accept that that is how it is and has went on to develop a close relationship with her heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. She always says, “If I can’t be close to my earthly father or mother, I will stay close to my heavenly Father who will never leave me”. I pray time has also healed some of your wounds. God bless.

[Politicalmom]

That’s not what they said when I contacted them about it. They told me how to turn it off, which I’d already done, and said that the issue would be fixed in the next upgrade. Unless you’re quibbling about me saying “AdBlock” instead of “AdBlock Plus”, which is what it was.

[steve86]

I stand corrected. It appears Adblock Plus had the “feature” for a time before being removed. I just checked 2.3.2 on Firefox/Linux and it definitely isn’t present and I found an article saying it had been removed. In some version(s) the option was supposed to have been at the top of the “filter preferences” screen as a “typo correction tab” but not on mine (and not in about:preferences). Evidently the Linux-oriented update channel to which I’m subscribed did not ever promulgate that version. If you are still seeing the autocorrect in 2.3.2 that would be very interesting. Windows/Linux difference? Wouldn’t be the first time!

[B4Ranch]

Were you an expert on raising children when you had your first one? Second one? Third one?

[Bulwyf]

You’ll have more success praying to Jesus.

[steve86]

My family has been blessed with a number of auspicious outcomes after petitioning the Saints to pray for us. The way I identify these, apart from ordinary fortuitous things that can happen, is each one leads us to become more religious and closer to God. These have nothing to do with financial situations, BTW.

[steve86]

And we do, of course, pray directly to Jesus numerous times each day. I guess Protties think we don’t?

[little jeremiah]

I need to do a major pingathon.

[SumProVita]

Thanks. I am VERY interested in this....but am not THAT technologically aware of HOW to do it. Help ...please.

;-)

[NYer]

You’ll have more success praying to Jesus.

I appreciate the misunderstanding so many have regarding the intercession of the saints. Let me try to put this into perspective.

Let's say you work in a large company and you have been there for 10 years. You feel you deserve a raise. The only person who can approve this is the CEO and your immediate supervisor is well respected by him. You approach your supervisor, present your case and ask for a raise. He/she goes to the CEO and makes the appeal on your behalf.

Here is an example of one such situation that occurred in the US. Miracle of 'blind' man who can see

Like Steve, I too have been very blessed by our Lord through the intercession of several saints. That is not to say that I did not begin with Jesus. Ultimately, because they are a lot closer to Him, those prayers were answered.

[steve86]

SumProVita, I really hope you can take advantage of these. I would never dream of utilizing a search tool without having something like this in place.

1. Google SafeSearch. This is very easy to set up. You need to get into settings for search. It doesn't always appear exactly the same so I can't give precise instructions.

But this is the Google help page for it and should get you there:

Google SafeSearch

---

The second big improvement in terms if Internet safety (and this is a change that affects all access, not just searches) is use of OpenDNS services (free, unless you decide to get the enhanced service).

OpenDNS is really great because it prevents even inadvertent access (like Politicalmom described), or deliberate, for that matter to any website on the lists for objectionable content (the lists can be customized extremely easily -- for example, you can restrict social media sites, video sharing, political, etc., or not). In addition to classes of sites, you can list individual ones to block or not.

OpenDNS site

This is a bit more involved to set up, but not bad at all. It really does work. If, for some reason, you need to defeat the protection temporarily you can, as administrator. I rarely, if ever, have to do that, now that I have my blocking list customized.

Most people are comfortable setting up OpenDNS, but if you are not comfortable making any kind of change to your network settings you should have another trusted person set this up for you. But you will need to be the adminsitrator with the OpenDNS password ultimately.

Good luck and I hope these work for you!

[steve86]

Ping to #58 in case you are interested

BTW, if you have multiple users on the machine (different accounts), both of these changes affect all of them. The set up is done by the administrator on the machine.

[peyton randolph]

“Were you an expert on raising children when you had your first one? Second one? Third one?”

****

Irrelevant because I’m not claiming to be an expert. However, I certainly know more about raising kids than a childless woman.

Her experience wanking off to porn as a teenager and as a young adult doesn’t make her an expert on parenting. If she wants to do a Christian guide to wanking or on abstinence, at least there would be a slim sliver of credibility on which to claim expertise based on her hours watching porn.

What this appears to be is a cynical attempt to market herself to a niche that dovetails with her husband’s career.

She claims expertise based on an implied moral authority from God in a field where she is clearly unqualified by any rational standard.