Posted on 04/19/2014 11:19:08 AM PDT by jfd1776
Just a few more definitions of words and idioms that mean something else in Illinois, posted as a public service to the consumers of news.
Absentee Landlord: A landlord with sense.
Bean: A huge fun-house mirror in downtown Chicago, providing tourists with the warped view of the business district that only lifelong Illinoisans come by naturally.
Billy Club: An entertainment venue for billy goats.
Billy Goat: A stadium’s pet peeve.
(Alternate definition: Someone who uses a collar and leash for a purpose unusual for the neighborhood).
Budget: Underestimated spending that you admit to.
(Alternate definition: A justification for tax increases).
City Hall: A den of iniquity.
(Alternate definition: A jobs program for the unemployable).
Construction: Three of Chicago’s four seasons.
(Alternate definition: a justification for tax increases).
Cook County: The Earth, in the Geocentric Model of the Universe. Proven errant by science and logic, but still stubbornly popular.
Corporate Headquarters: An office that move from state to state, based on the special tax treatment that state capitols give them.
(Alternate definition: A justification for tax increases).
Divestment: Moving tax dollars out of profitable but politically unconnected funds, into unprofitable but politically connected funds.
(Alternate definition: A justification for a tax increase).
DuPage County: The counterweight pan in an old-fashioned balance, rendered ineffective by the shopkeeper’s thumb permanently resting on the opposite pan.
Factory: A manufacturer that has never moved out of Chicago, because the required toxic waste cleanup would be too expensive.
(Alternate definition: An endangered species, identifiable by its large building, full parking lot, and constant parade of southern governors and Chinese negotiators in and out as they try to convince it to save itself before it's too late).
Football: The superstitious belief in a mixture of science fiction and antiquity, practiced by adherents who congregate at the site where the Starship Enterprise landed on the Parthenon.
Gaper’s Delay: A slowdown in sidewalk traffic, as pedestrians stop to watch an arrest, a bribe, or a mugging take place.
(Alternate definition: An unticketed spectator sport).
Helmut Jahn: An alchemist’s conversion machine that turns tax dollars into massive steel-and-glass generators of electric bills.
(Alternate definition: A justification for tax increases)
Insider: Somebody who’s held elective office before.
(Alternate definition: What jaded voters claim to be sick of).
Investment: Spending tax dollars on expensive things that sound good.
(Alternate definition: A justification for a tax increase).
Increasing Taxes: Making your own constituents pay for your irresponsibility.
Issuing Bonds: Inviting other states’ constituents to pay for your irresponsibility.
Lake County: 1368 square miles, 703,000 people, only six roads. And people wonder why there’s traffic congestion.
Lake Michigan: A welcome source of highway funding revenue, as the only thing forcing Wisconsinites to travel on the Illinois tollway system on their way to Indiana and Michigan vacations, and vice versa.
1908: Where Chicagoans go when they dream.
Mies Van der Rohe: Driving up property values, hundreds of feet at a time.
Nursing Home: A building full of with people long past childbearing age, which can nevertheless reproduce huge bribes, government contracts, and vote totals again and again.
Oasis: The only place on the tollway where one can actually move quickly.
(Alternate definition: The only place on the tollway where your car might not get a speeding ticket).
Off-Budget: Underestimated spending you don’t admit to.
Outsider: An insider who hasn’t held elective office yet.
Party Headquarters: A political office that has never moved, because the required toxic waste cleanup would be too expensive.
(Alternate definition: A justification for tax increases).
Polar Plunge: The annual effort to drown Chicago politicians in freezing water. Thus far, the Lake has always rejected them and spit them back onto land, but hope springs eternal.
Polling Place: Where Chicagoans go when they die.
Pride: A family of lionesses, usually found close to their cubs.
Skyline: The incomparable beauty of Chicago, when seen from a distance. The greater the distance, the better it looks.
Slum Lord: A landlord with connections.
State Party Chairman: A group leader who, upon being expelled for heterodoxy, proudly takes a job with the opposition.
Tax Assessment: Three of Chicago’s four seasons.
Tax Incentives: The only way to get a big employer to move to Illinois: blind them to the reality of our tax structure.
(Alternate definition: One of the many ways to get small businesses to move out of Illinois: subject them to the undisguised reality of our tax structure).
Texas: Where Chicagoans go when they wake up.
Think Tank: The status quo’s pet peeve.
University of Illinois: Helping prepare teenagers for their escape from Illinois since 1867.
(Alternate definition: A justification for tax increases.)
Winter: Three of Chicago’s four seasons.
(Alternate definition: a justification for tax increases).
Wrigley Field: The opiate of the mosses.
(Alternate definition: Where hope springs eternal).
Copyright 2014 John F. Di Leo
John F. Di Leo is a Chicago-based international trade compliance trainer, Illinois Review columnist, actor, and recovering politician (though, like any addiction, you’re never completely cured). He was born in Chicago, but moved to the suburbs when he was a year old, then grew up in Evanston, Park Ridge, and Aurora. He generally stays out of the city itself, fearing the retribution of the denizens of the 51st Ward, and instead observes the city from a safe distance.
In case anyone got offended reading this humor column, have no fear. This is not proposed as a substitute for the excellent dictionaries produced by Oxford, Webster, or Bierce, just as a handy regional addendum.
Permission is hereby granted to forward freely, provided it is uncut and the IR URL and byline are included. Follow John F. Di Leo on LinkedIn or Facebook, or on Twitter at @johnfdileo.
Here's volume three of my serialized Chicago Dictionary, from Illinois Review.
(this one just might have a slightly higher percentage of inside jokes than the other two... we'll see...)
The Kennedy: a large parking lot on the northwest side of the city
The Eisenhower: a large parking lot on the west side of the city
The Dan Ryan: a large parking lot on the south side of the city
Oh don’t worry, I didn’t leave them out!
I covered the expressways in Volume Two!
Can’t miss our lovely expressways!
Do not get them all but your lists crack me up. Had to look up “bean”.
Who the heck paid for that? Boy, it must be blinding on a bright day. What is inside of it?
On a summer day if one could the right focusing point in the surrounding plaza maybe you could heat your lunch ;)
Thanks, Rockpile! You’ve made my day!
Re what’s inside The Bean... Some of us suspect that’s where they hid a few hundred thousand of Romney’s Illinois votes in 2012...
Damn, it is AT&T plaza. That means I helped pay for the that silver jellybean.
Living in Indiana, I’ve never understood Chicagoland.
what drew 9.5 million people there?
bad weather
high cost of living
very high taxes
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