Posted on 06/17/2011 7:45:25 PM PDT by chasio649
We have moved far past the time when an unmarried woman over 35 was branded an "old maid" or when unmarried men were "swinging bachelors," but after seeing the disaster of the marriage between Huma Abedin and Congressman Anthony Weiner, one does have to wonder if the old adage about men over 40 who have never been married is true. Is it a dating red flag?
There is something to be said for marriage. Being in a marriage, whether it ends or stays together, usually means you have some experience with compromise, the ability to love and be loved, and some familiarity with the concept of sharing. "Never-marrieds" on the other hand? Who knows why they're unmarried?
In asking around, it seems the cutoff age between it being cool and it being a red flag is roughly 35 for men and 40 for women.
Of course, nothing is sure-fire and there are as many extenuating circumstances as there are marriages on Earth. But it's a good rule of thumb, when dating, to recognize that a person who has reached a certain age and never had a relationship last longer than a couple months is probably harboring some issues.
Marriage? Maybe not. Maybe they don't want to get married or just don't play musical chairs all that well. There are reasons they may not have walked down the aisle, though in Weiner's case, it probably WAS a red flag. Still, most men over 40 who have had at least one or two long-term relationships that haven't worked out are still marriage material, but those who haven't even had a girlfriend? It's a problem.
We learn something with every relationship we're in. No one would argue that the older you get, the harder it is to compromise. It is. So if you marry young and you compromise together, you get used to that. Someone who has made it to 40 without having to make those compromises and learn and grow with someone would likely be much more rigid in their thinking.
Women over 30 complain all the time that there are few good guys without baggage who are over 30 out there. And it's likely true. There are some good men who stay single, but coupling off whether by marriage or just a long-term relationship is kind of the "norm." So stepping outside of that does make you a bit of a freak.
That said, it isn't fair to not give a guy a chance because of some arbitrary cutoff. There is always the exception to every "rule," right?
Do you think a man or woman over 40 who has never been married is a freak?
THe further on men and women are single, the harder it is for them to get married. They are used to living single and having everything their way. They have no experience living with other people that they can’t just move out on. They’ve never been truly vested in a relationship they can’t walk out on if stuff gets too bad. It is true they get set in their ways.
The execption, of course, is when two older people like each other, and they just happen to have living habits very closely mirroring each other.
Got that right. I won’t marry again. Once is plenty. It is work to keep it going well. Sometimes a lot of work. Wife would concur.
Of course it was an open marriage. Hillary didn’t give up Huma.
I am 48 and have plenty of experience with compromise and I’ve done enough to know that I will compromise but that is going to be two way street. You give, I give.
I give up on stuff that ain’t important and you don’t unimportant things some stoopid imperative.
You tell me to do something and nothing is going to happen.
You ask me and not only will I do it I’ll probably do even more.
It is always cool to chase women, as a gentleman and understanding of boundries. Heck, women like to be chased. Why do they wear all them pretty clothes and smell good?
I harbor no issues. Just don’t care if I ever get married and if I do it won’t be state sanctioned. The tax benefits aren’t worth it.
I am pretty rigid about being told what to or that I can’t pursue my dreams or just day to day activities. I wasn’t put on this earth so you can subordinate my life to yours.
It’s that equality thing. Don’t ruin it. I’ll give you plenty of room to do your thing and we do lots of things together, even shop.
You are very smart. Not lying. You shouldn’t have to settle for a loser or some guy just wanting physical stuff. There’s so much disease out there it just isn’t worth it. Your life could be changed permanently forever in one night.
If that isn’t enough to make people really think about holding off, much less have affairs or stuff like that, I don’t know what will.
THe further on men and women are single, the harder it is for them to get married. They are used to living single and having everything their way.
That is true...i know the first couple of years i was married, i was constantly saying “my” this or “my” that..had to learn how to say “our”...i realized it hurt my wife’s feelings and i needed to drop that habit.
These kind of guys have had a lot of success with non-American women.
These kind of guys have had a lot of success with non-American women.
You started it... NOT ME! :D
If Weiner had married at 25, he’d still be a freak.
Wow. That's what you call making up for lost time.
Single people often wish they were married because single people are lonely and want companionship. They think there are no down sides to not being alone or think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. (With the right person, that is true- not too many RIGHT PEOPLE though).
Married people often wish they would get a break from the other. When you wake up, she’s there. When you come home, she’s there. When you go to sleep, she’s there. (Same for “he”.) All the good things are there but all the bad things that irritate you are too. Because none of us are identical there will always be irritation and compromise and putting up with the others’ crap. YOu just have to try to find someone that has minimal crap to put up with and a lot of good stuff you both are good with.
I could be in the same boat, I'm 41 & the woman I am "scoping out" is 38. She seems great but I still want kids and I been hesitating to "make a move" because of her age. If she were even 2-3 years younger this wouldn't be an issue.
But anyhow, congratulations and best of luck to you and your wife
It is a balancing act, because you are both an individual and a couple at the same time.
Singles’ ping!
All of this chat is nonsense. Just read Pat Buchanan’s book “The Death of the West”.
The trick must be to find someone whose craziness is compatable with your own ;)
My ever-so-liberated daughter did that when she got married. BOTH of them changed to hyphenated names. Gag me !!! They know I don’t like it and will occasionally make some smart aleck comment, but it’s their lives. Don’t know how the grands will do when the arrive, and have asked about quadruple hyphenation, but they don’t seem to have an answer.
The trick must be to find someone whose craziness is compatable with your own
Now THAT is truth!
There are married freaks and single freaks out there at every age.
I was lucky to find the love of my life at 26 and I wasn’t really even looking! Maybe hoping, but not actively looking.
I have one over 40 friend single, perfectly content. I have another over 40 friend who is, though a very kind person, a bit of a freak you wouldn’t want to settle down with, but has been looking for “Mr. Right” for 20 years. Some people are their own worst enemies when it comes to love!
Married 2 days after my 18th birthday and a gradfather at the age of 40 and considered a freak by many of my friends :o). Who’s to say what a freak is?
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