A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.
“For example,” he said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on the nightstand in my bedroom.”
When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him “Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?”
“What?” said the judge, “I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?”
“I gave it to the first one,” said the wife, “he knew exactly where it was.”
Speaking of travels, I heard that when Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was quite impressed with their rockets. Now, these weren’t quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns. Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for him.
“Not here!” they said. ...very confusing. Until ol’ Marc came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu’Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marc was very impressed!
But still he wondered, “Why here?” At the end of every week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch. So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.
Marc’s guide replied: “Why honored Sir, ... We always set off fireworks on the Forts of Chu’Lai”
Things You Never Hear Your Dad Say
“Well how about that?.....I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop for and ask for directions.
You know pumpkin, now that you are thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car-—GO CRAZY
What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
Your mother and I are going away for the weekend... you might want to consider throwing a party.
Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with the car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. We’ll just have to have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?”
“My sense of humor is fine,” he said. “But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”
Seconds In a Year
The teacher said, “Now class, we know their are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, and 365 days in a year, so who can tell me how many seconds there are in a year?”
All the kids looked baffled by the question except Buck, who raises his hand and waves it excitedly.
“Yes, Buck, how many seconds are there in a year?” the teacher asked.
Replied Buck, “Twelve, m’am. January second, February second, March second...”
Comments made in the year 1957:
“I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for$20.”
“Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $5000 will only buy a used one.”
“Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?”
“If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.”
“When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.”
“Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.”
“I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.”
“Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the president.”
“I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric . . . they are even making electric typewriters now.”
“It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.”
“It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.”
“Marriage doesn’t mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.”
“I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.”
“Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.”
“The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.”
“There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.”
“No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.”
“If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.”