Posted on 12/31/2014 1:54:00 PM PST by Delta Dawn
We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!
Freeper GIRL: Hilarious...my take on Men’s Rules..see ALL CAPS...enjoy
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
Freeper GIRL: WIPES WILL BE PROVIDED FOR YOU TO CLEAN UP YOUR SPILLS ON THE RIM. SHAKE IT OFF NEATLY, CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF OR WEAR A DIAPER.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
Freeper GIRL: AGREED. I’D MUCH RATHER YOU SURPRISE ME BY COOKING DINNER OR TAKING ME TO THE SHOOTING RANGE WITH 100 ROUNDS OF AMMO FOR ME TO EXPEND.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Freeper GIRL: GOES BOTH WAYS
1. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Freeper GIRL: OCTOBER THRU APRIL IS HOCKEY SEASON. UNLESS YOU WANT A SLAPSHOT UPSIDE THE NOGGING, LET IT BE
1. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.
Freeper GIRL: DULY NOTED. HAIR IS AND WILL BE MAINTAINED BELOW THE SHOULDERS.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Freeper GIRL: WHY DO MEN ASSUME WOMEN LIKE TO SHOP? I’D RATHER SLAM BACK SHOTS OF PATRON THAN SHOP.
1. Crying is blackmail.
Freeper GIRL: YES, YES IT IS. DEAL WITH IT.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Freeper GIRL: EASY PEASY! JUST REMEMBER IF I WALK INTO THE LIVING ROOM IN LACY UNDERTHINGS, I AM NOT HINTING AT ANYTHING. I’M JUST BEING COMFY. IF I WANT “IT”, I’LL LET YOU KNOW.
1. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
Freeper GIRL: OH TRUST ME, YOU WILL GET REMINDERS.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Freeper GIRL: I’VE BEEN VERY SUCCESSFULLY DRESSING MYSELF ALL MY ADULT LIFE. I’M OK WITHOUT YOUR INTERCESSION. I’VE GOT THIS.
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Freeper GIRL: INDEED
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Freeper GIRL: I’LL ALWAYS TELL YOU IF I’M VENTING OR NEED A SOLUTION.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Freeper GIRL: HA! NOT TONIGHT HONEY, I HAVE A HEADACHE SHE SAID....NEVER
1. Check your oil! Please.
Freeper GIRL: I DO, REGULARLY. I ALSO KNOW HOW TO CHANGE MY OWN TIRES WHEN THEY GO FLAT.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
Freeper GIRL: SORRY, WE HOLD ALL FACTS, COMMENTS, CRITICISMS, ARGUMENTS AS VALID IN AN ARGUMENT. IT’S HOW WE ARE GEARED.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Freeper GIRL: SORRY I LIKE REAL MEN. I’LL NEVER BE A VICTORIA’S SECRET GIRL, BUT I LIKE THE FACT THAT I HAVE MORE THAN TWO BRAIN CELLS IN MY HEAD.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably ,are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.
Freeper GIRL: MEN PACK ON THE POUNDS TOO, YOU’RE JUST MORE SECURE ABOUT IT.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Freeper GIRL: CYA
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
Freeper GIRL: OGLE ALL YOU WANT, WE DO TOO. WE’RE SIMPLY MORE SUBTLE ABOUT IT. YOU BREAK YOUR NECK LOOKING, I GUARANTEE I’LL SNAP IT RIGHT BACK INTO PLACE.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Freeper GIRL: AMEN; HOWEVER, I AM A FIGURE IT OUT KINDA GAL, SO I’LL ASK QUESTIONS OR TOSS AN IDEA OUT TO SEE IF IT WILL WORK.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Freeper GIRL: GOES FOR YOU TOO
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
Freeper GIRL: OF COURSE NOT, AFTER ALL HE WAS LOOKING FOR INDIA.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
Freeper GIRL: OH SNAP. A REAL MAN WILL ALWAYS COURT HIS WIFE AND SHE HIM. YOU LIKED NOOKIE 7 DAYS A WEEK AND NOW IT’S ONCE A WEEK IF YOU’RE LUCKY..GET OVER IT.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Freeper GIRL: TOTALLY ON BOARD WITH THIS.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
Freeper GIRL: NICE, MIDDLE OF MY BACK A LITTLE TO THE LEFT AND JUST A BIT HARDER.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
Freeper GIRL: REFERENCE “TELL US WHAT YOU WANT, DON’T HINT”
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
Freeper GIRL: OH BELIEVE ME, I WILL TELL YOU.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
Freeper GIRL: EXPECT TO HEAR “JACKASS” MUMBLED UNDER OUR BREATH.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Freeper GIRL: THE SAME DOES NOT APPLY TO YOU. I REQUIRE YOU TO HAVE SITUATIONAL AWARENESS AND DRESS APPROPRIATELY.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Freeper GIRL: EGADS, IF WE CAN’T DISCUSS WORLD EVENTS, POLITICS, AND WHAT TYPE OF HANDGUN I SHOULD BUY, CHANCES ARE YOU DIDN’T GET TO FIRST BASE WITH ME ANYWAY.
1. You have enough clothes.
Freeper GIRL: I HATE SHOPPING
1. You have too many shoes.
Freeper GIRL: SEE CLOTHES RESPONSE
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what the hell they’re saying anyway.)
Freeper GIRL: MUSICAL THEATER OR THE SYMPHONY EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE WILL NOT KILL YOU. I LIKE TO GET FANCIED UP AND YOU GET GUARANTEED NOOKIE IF YOU ESCORT ME. YEAH, KNEW YOU’D CHANGE YOUR MIND.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
Freeper GIRL: WOMEN DO THAT CRAP? SERIOUSLY, NO WOMAN WORTH HER SALT IS READING COSMO. IF I DON’T HAVE A GOOD IDEA WHAT MAKES MY MAN HAPPY, NOT SURE HOW A FEMINAZI MAG IS GOING TO HELP...THEY DON’T NEED MEN.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Freeper GIRL: GIVE ME A SIX PACK OF SHINER BOCK OVER A PURSE ANY DAY
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
Freeper GIRL: HAHAHAHA! NO, NO COUCH FOR YOU. YOU HAVE A BED, YOU WILL SLEEP IN IT AND YOU WILL NOT GET ANY.
1. I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape.
Freeper GIRL: PLEASE REMEMBER THAT.
“1. Crying is blackmail. “
So is yelling.
“1. Remind us. . .”
. . .and get called a nag? No thanks.
(I love men, just calling them as I see them)
I have a simpler method. I simply ask my wife ‘Just tell me what you want’’.
A note on first #1 response, no one that prides themselves on marksmanship would be so careless. Choose wisely ladies.
“Life is like a p***s, simple, relaxed and hanging free...it’s women that make it hard.”
Freeper GIRL is the exception to the rule.
Who is this girl and does she have a sister?
More important than the rules, learn the Hot-Crazy Matrix.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU
Best advice for males 18-45:
Dont get married or in long-term relationships. Enjoy your most healthy years by making money, enjoying life, and living on your own terms. There will always be women looking for guy. Don’t be the one chasing them.
If a guy waits for that he'll starve to death. Then all the other rules won't matter.
I usually get the blank stare and then the walking off (sometimes stomping off) shaking her head from mine, LOLOL!!
I’m just gonna give up and go lesbo or celibate.
My pet peeve is the one about the long hair.
A guy marries a beautiful long haired beauty and one day SHE decides to hack it all off because “it’s so easy to take care of” and all her idiot girlfriends tell her “aw it’s CO CUTE” .... [hint: no, it’s not]
Doesn’t ask him, just cuts it.
It’s worse than if you took a car-key to the paint job on his beautiful new truck. And he is reminded of the beauty he USED TO SEE every time he looks at you.
pack on a couple of pounds too, and then your husband wonders what happened to the petite long haired beauty because he does not remember getting married to a short, fat guy.
[yes I know guys have their bad sides women- but this IT for men. Take care of these two things and you will probably never have to deal with his bad sides, or if you do, you can more easily find a replacement]
I wish I had learned about the Hot/Crazy matrix decades ago. And if a girl claims to be a unicorn, well she is certainly not.
Celi?
What kind of fish do you catch with that?
:)
>>I wish I had learned about the Hot/Crazy matrix decades ago.
I instinctively knew about it, but failed to gather enough data points to get a cluster.
LOL!
Men can only listen to a woman for six minutes. Your time is..........!
lol...fish shaped like a finger. I guess they call them fish sticks.
you are more than fair on most of these...I agree with most of your answers.
but once or twice a month I might wipe the rim. that’s my cleanup rate for myself.....its not something I need to lose sleep over....but to clarify, I will clean the whole bathroom for the house I share...just not as often as my significant other thinks it needs to be done.
but if I lift the seat for myself, I don’t generally lower it afterward....and I have a sister in law (BIL’s wife) who, in her bathroom, is a cutsie sign telling guys they need to lower the seat when done. I have gone in her house, sat down to do my business(which is what I needed to do)/ then lifted the seat when I was done, for no other reason than because she had the brass door knockers to insinuate how I must use the porcelain appliance.
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