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I did something called Actualizations in the late 70’s when I lived in NYC. It was a cousin of est. I learned to see life in a different way that was very helpful at the time. I was in my mid-20’s.

Some of what I learned was similar to est..being responsible for me, making concious choices. A couple of things stood out that I’ve used a good deal. “Make real through action”. The other was a simple and by now well-known exercise of getting to do something rather than having to do it. We were to think of a boring or tedious task we had to do daily, then say to our partner “I HAVE to (I chose kitty litter) empty the kitty litter every day”. After repeating it aloud (with appropriate emotion!) we then said “I GET to empty the kitty litter every day”.

This seems a silly and insignificant little mind game, but it opened my eyes to the mental habits I’d developed and the dreary way I viewed many things.

Smoke and mirrors? Perhaps. But it was the start of my growing up inside.

When my son reached the stage that it sounds like your’s is in I remembered something else I learned. I stopped telling (preaching!)and started asking him questions...about anything, everything. It was quite useful. He began having to think his own thoughts, ideas instead of reacting to mine:)

Oh my, that's terrific advice! That's actionable immediately! Very good! Thanks so much.

Back when my son was a freshman in high school, and my daughter was in fifth or sixth grade, we were talking about life and growing up, and I said to my son "one of the ways you'll know you're becoming an adult is when you find that you enjoy doing the things you must do."

My daughter has repeated that back to me recently, and I didn't even know she was paying attention at the time.

That's kind of like your "I HAVE to..." vs. "I GET to..." habit.

I did something called Actualizations in the late 70’s when I lived in NYC. It was a cousin of est. I learned to see life in a different way that was very helpful at the time. I was in my mid-20’s.

So did I! I also got involved in Actualizations at the same time -- but in Los Angeles. I won't mock it; it actually helped me in a number of ways -- socially, as well as psychologically, as back then I had just left college, at 21, and was extremely insecure and damaged by a crappy childhood. It taught me to accept responsibility and the power to change. I was exposed also to a diversity of people. Although most of them were white, they were of different backgrounds.

However, in retrospect, Actualizations was a starting point for more intensive therapy (where, ironically, many of those people headed). I can see its potential damage when there is no moral system integrated. I say this in hindsight, since I became involved in a religious community. Nowadays, I would not recommend Actualizations, EST (Landmark), or any secular movement, since it ultimately encourages narcissism.