Posted on 04/08/2017 6:17:56 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here. The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The ducks?
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band. It really breaks the tranquility, and if you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished,. Otherwise everything here is yours to enjoy.
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks. St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, "Who hit the duck?” The guy who had done it admitted, "I did.” St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks,", he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said; "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.” The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck.
St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off. The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, "I wonder what I did to deserve this? The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck.”
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course, we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “How about suppositories?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The Works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “Adult diapers?”
Pharmacist: “Sure.”
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”
HELGA’S CRUISE SHIP DIARY
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship — all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets.
Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this “all-girls” trip. It will be my first one - and I can’t wait!
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today — seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not
be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.
Twice ...
Two Irish nuns have just
arrived in USA by boat,
and one says to the other,
“I hear that the people in
this country actually eat
dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion
replies, “but if we shall
live in America, we
might as well do as the
Americans do.”
As they sit, they hear a
push cart vendor yelling,
“Hot Dogs, get your dogs
here,” and they both
walk towards the hot dog
cart.
“Two dogs, please!,” says
one. The vendor is very
pleased to oblige, wraps
both hot dogs in foil and
hands them over. Excited,
the nuns hurry to a bench
and begin to unwrap their
‘dogs.’
The mother superior is
first to open hers.
She begins to blush,
and then, after staring
at it for a moment, leans
to the other nun and in
a soft brogue whispers:
“What part did you get?”
I don’t think there will be golf in heaven, as it would involve too much cursing.
Change of pace - big horned owl rescue video.
https://biggeekdad.com/2017/03/great-horned-owl-rescue/#.WOdpbPAS1nE.gmail
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon,
he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt..
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After along period of silence she finally speaks.
Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married I think
it’s time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns, boat & airplane.
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
“Ex wife!”, she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”
”I wasn’t “
Good one;)
These humor threads don’t get too many responses - so it’s nice to get a post. Thx.
There’s a joke in that comment;) Give me a minute - LOL!!!
Good thread!
I heard this joke years ago and it still makes me chuckle: A husband and wife visited with a divorce attorney. The husband was 104 and his bride 102. They discussed with the attorney that they wanted a divorce and then discussed all the problems they had. The attorney looks at them and says, “ You are a 104 and you are a 102. Why divorce now? You have been together for so long and I just can’t understand why you want this divorce at this part of your lives?” The couple looks at him and the husband says, “Oh... we wanted a divorce years and years ago but we were waiting for the kids to die”. :)
Oh that is so silly. tx for laugh
One day a Marine Sergeant Major was walking through the local mall when an intriguing poster caught his eye-
“Local research institute seeking Real Men!”
The sum of $500 was mentioned at the bottom of the flyer.
At once the Marine walked in and asked what was going on.
“Well, we’re investigating the divergence of simian DNA amid species.”
“Huh? What does that mean?” replied the Marine. “Well, um, uh, we need someone to, ahem, have his way with this female gorilla.”
In a nearby cage was a growling, snarling 600 lb. gorilla. Flies buzzed around and rotted fruit littered the floor.
After a few minutes contemplation, the Marine said, “I’ll do it with 3 conditions.”
“What are they?” said the director.
“First, no hugging and kissing.”
“Second, I’m not spending the night. She’s too gross.”
“Great! What’s the third condition?”
“Well, uh (cough)....I’ve only got $300 on me. Can I give you the rest on payday?”
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking in the living room, and the host said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man, their guest, asked, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know..... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a Rose?" replied his guest.
"Yes, that's the one," replied the host.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yells, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Thanks for the break from politics. Good laughs.
And it is called golf because all the other four letter words were taken!
Bump!
A welcome break from the usual news.
Thanks for the humor, sodpoodle and others!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.