Posted on 08/05/2017 3:00:40 PM PDT by nickcarraway
It brings me no pleasure to tell you this, sincerely. I mean, I can be a bit of a pill at times; I know that. Hell, maybe Ive even delighted in giving a bit of bad news a few times in my life. I dont know! Im not perfect. Im barely even good.
This is different, though. This truly pains me to say, because I know how important it is to you. But it has to be said. Here goes nothing.
Pliny the Elder, the seemingly unobtainable God-level brew, the Imperial IPA with a BeerAdvocate score of 100 out of 100, the Russian River flagship that took just 14 years to nearly equal the number of Google results accumulated by its namesake in the previous 2,000, this same Pliny the Elder is bad now. Its bad. I know it hurts, but Oh, God! I can hear your squeals. They sting my flesh like a thousand pointy red beard hairs. You really should be wearing a mask in here, btw.
The pain makes it no less true, Im sorry to say. From SFGates roundup of the Best Beer in America poll:
Zymurgy asked voters to select 20 of their favorite commercial beers available across the United States in an online poll, tallied them up, and with those votes found both state and national winners. Pliny came in at second place nationwide (though first in California), with Founders Breakfast Stout (Grand Rapids, Michigan) at third, Three Floyds Zombie Dust pale ale (Hammond, Indiana) at fourth, and another of Bells, the imperial IPA Hopslam, rounding out the top five.
Thats right; our beloved Pliny, Sr. has been relegated to second overall. Hows the old saying go? If youre not first, youre horse piss? Something like that, I think. Horse Piss the Elder. Sad. Pliny the elder is now officially nothing but corn spit and wheat bubble.
All right, so maybe Im exaggerating, but heres the point: Of course Pliny the Elder isnt the best beer in America. Newly minted gold medalist Bells Two-Hearted isnt, either, by the way, even if you can get it in gas stations now. Zombie Dust pale ale is probably fine, but the name is kind of lame and Ive never seen it around here; its definitely not the best beer in America.
You cant have a breakfast stout as the best beer, either, so Founders is out. Same goes for Space Ass Brewing Companys Flightless Bird IPA, which is ineligible due to being fake as a result of I just made it up, but still. None of these are the best beer in America. And even if they were, why would you take the word of the American Homebrewers Association? Arent they, like, the competition?
(Studio audience voice) So what is, Jesse?!?!
Well, look, youre not gonna like this answer too much. But the best beer in America is whichever one you like. Think of it like one of those books you used to read as a kid. In the Big Book of Great Beers, you get to the last page, and theres a little plastic mirror on the page so you can hold up your favorite beer and see it beaming proudly back at you. The Best Beer Ever is Yours!
Thats a cop-out if you think theres a real answer out there somewhere and Im not dogged enough to find it, or too dull to know it when I see it. But from where Im sitting, its just the unvarnished truth. Theres no best beer because theres no one single thing a beer is, so theres no metric by which one formulation can surpass all others. Platonic ideals are for circles and useless junk like that; Plato probably just drank old honey water out of a rock mug anyway. They didnt even have wide-mouth cans in ancient Greece.
The same poll that named Pliny the Elder best in the land in 2015 was as wrong for saying Pliny was the best beer then as it is now for saying its not.
Also coming in at Number Wrong was Eat This, Not That with this compelling missive:
Michelob Ultra doesnt claim our top spot because the brand has associated itself with running, cycling and living an active healthy lifestyle. Its our #1 pick because it does all that and is lower in carbs than its closest competitorand tastes great, too. Its the #1 Best Light Beer in America.
And though I cant say I understand the methodology of the sample, I can say with confidence that this Thrillist piece naming the beer of Oregon Americas best is similarly misguided. Heres their logic:
California and Washington might have more brewers, but dammit, theyve also got more people. More importantly, they dont have the density of Oregons offerings. Or the quality. Oregons long been at the forefront of the craft industry, with brewers like Widmer Brothers, Rogue, Full Sail, and Deschutes leading the national charge as gateway beers for people who want something more out of their pints. But theyre just the OGs of what might be the epicenter of the craft beer movement.
Guess what also isnt Americas best beer? Did you say Sierra Nevada Torpedo Extra IPA? Because Complex did in 2013. And they were wrong, too, when they wrote this:
This is a brewery that has the art of the pale ale down and their Torpedo really takes that craft to another level. Its also a bit of an experimental brew for the Chico, California brewery as well. The brewery put their Hop Torpedo to work, a device that dry hops, adding just the right aroma and bitterness. So, you dont end up with an overly bitter beer. Instead, you have a perfect combination and only about 7.2 percent alcohol by volumeso its a bit high in booze, but it doesnt take away from the greatness of this brew.
All these lists are wrong, and all the lists I didnt list are wrong, and this list is wrong, too. Sierra Nevada, Stone, Ommegang, Sixpoint, Ballast Point, and Allagash put together couldnt brew the best beer in America, because theres just no way to do it. Any beer can be the best! And not just in a participation trophy, everybody tried kind of way, either.
You can have a best beer to drink with a burger, or a best beer to drink on a boat, or the best after-work beer (or during-work beer if youre one of those guys with the firemans pole in your office). And hey, maybe those are all the same thing to you; it certainly makes things simpler at the store. But thats your favorite beer, not the best one, and if you think that distinction is obvious, try talking to a baby boomer about politics.
We all know Russian River isnt panicking about being dropped down to second place in this poll. Its a great beer, people love it, and itll always sell. But that should make you think. Because if breweries arent afraid of being ranked or rated, why are we doing it? Why bother saying you give Not Your Fathers Mountain Ale 3.6 stars out of five when you know it wont have any reach beyond the screen in front of your face? Who is doing all these BeerAdvocate reviews?!
In his Natural History, Pliny the Elder observes and then explains the planets, among many other topics. He manages to do this without saying things like Saturn is the best planet right now or I give the moon a 7.8/10. It would sound kind of stupid if he did that, wouldnt it? It would almost sound like he didnt have very much information about the planets but wanted to sound like he did anyway. And really, what difference would a mediocre score in a book mean to Jupiter? Its really far away and cant really be anything but Jupiter regardless of what some guy says.
Pliny would have just been shouting into the void, and his little reviews immediately forgotten. Everybody knows the best planet is whichever one youve got.
I’ve had hundreds of craft beers but never the chance to taste the Pliny.
Saw an empty bottle of one once.
I live in Sacramento and you can find it all around town.
For a minute there I thought someone had discovered that Pliny was a successful white man.
Pliny died in the Vesuvius eruption of 79 AD.
He’s a beer now?
I seriously don’t understand the appeal of IPAs.
He fermented.
I had this while on a trip to San Francisco back in 2014. Make no mistake. It’s a great beer and if you can get your hands on some, do it. You won’t be disappointed. My all time favorite though is Westvleteran 12. This is like the nectar of the Gods. Not readily available here in the States, but I drank a ton of it in Europe while on one of my trips. It’s brewed by monks and I plan on making it to their monastery on a beer related religious pilgrimage one day, God willing.
If you do that, don't forget to make that famous Ben Franklin quote your motto.
If you do that, don't forget to make that famous Ben Franklin quote your motto.
Me either...i brew beer and try lots of craft beers but never seen that one...
I brew a Row 2 Hill 56 clone...that has to be the perfect beer
Anchor Steam
Yo mean the Japanese beer?
I guess it is now. I hope they don’t change it.
Westy 12 (gold top) is good—damn good-, but an affordable substitute is St. Bernardus Abt 12. Luscious brew.
Captain’s Daughter by Gray Sail, Westerly RI
Heady Topper by The Alchemist, Stowe VT
Good stuff
Pliny the Elder is GRRRRRREAT beer. I”ve had several. My favorite is Heady Topper.
Can someone explain what that even means in the cosmic order of things. I can't get my head around it somehow.
Perhaps means it’s good enough to wash hands and/or cool an engine?
The better obtainable alternative is rocheforte 10. St B is good, but the Roche rocks.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.