Let's have a few Friday giggles.

everyday wisdom ^ | 12/22/2017 | multiple

[sodpoodle]

An elderly man, from Georgia, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." The old guy said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to old guy, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" The wise old man said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[sodpoodle]

more laughs at the link. Enjoy

[RinaseaofDs]

You can’t trust atoms . . . .

. . . . they make up everything.

[Leaning Right]

> One of the Policemen said to old guy, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!” The wise old man said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!” <

A wiser old man would have said, “I meant shot them with a camera. You, know, took their picture.”

(Not as funny, but certainly wiser.)

[bar sin·is·ter]

WIFE: Honey, I was just at the gynecologist and she said I can’t have sex for 3 weeks

HUSBAND: What did the dentist say?

[Diana in Wisconsin]

Q. What Nationality is Santa Claus?

A. He’s North Pole-ish! (’North Polish,’ for those in Rio Linda...)

[Cruising Speed]

Two atoms were sitting in a bar, the first one said “I’ve lost my electron!”.
The second atom asked “Are you sure?”
And the first replied “Yes, I’m positive!”

[BenLurkin]

Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

[BenLurkin]

What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve?

A pack of batteries with a note saying “toy not included”.

[Cruising Speed]

Two neutrinos went into a bar.
Nothing happened.
They were just passing through.

[Mathews]

A blonde walks into a NYC bank and requests a $5,000 dollar loan. The banker asks her what she'll be using as collateral and she says, “my Rolls Royce. It's parked outside.” Well, the banker is astonished, but he goes through the process and finds everything checks out. She is who she says she is and the car is really hers. He hands her the check and she hands him the keys to the Rolls which is immediately parked in the bank's underground parking garage.
Two weeks later, the blonde woman returns and pays back the loan plus about $15 dollars in interest for the two weeks. The banker says, “We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire, why would you need a $5,000 loan?” The blonde replied,”Where else in NYC can I safely park a Rolls Royce for two weeks for only $15?”

[Magnum44]

That’s sooo bad...I even get it and its still bad...lol

[NEMDF]

Reminds me of (years ago), we had to have our bookkeeper arrested for embezzlement. The boss and I went down to the police station with the evidence, and talked to the detective. Meanwhile the bookkeeper was at work, unaware of the fact that we were on to her.

The police detective said it was not something they could send anyone out for, for a few days, since it was “white collar”, and no threat of violence or injury was occurring.

So my boss said, “if you don’t send someone out to arrest her TODAY, there WILL BE violence or injury”. A huge detective was at the office about an hour after we got back, to slap the cuffs on her.

[Huskrrrr]

If you’re not part of the solution....you’re part of the precipitate.

[BenLurkin]

Name the carol

Clues:
1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time2400 hrs - WeatherCloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals

[Responsibility2nd]

Two fish swam into a concrete wall.

One fish said “Dam.”

[Responsibility2nd]

“So my boss said, “if you don’t send someone out to arrest her TODAY, there WILL BE violence or injury”. A huge detective was at the office about an hour after we got back, to slap the cuffs on her.”

Too bad about your boss. But she did make a threat. Can’t have that.

So. Whatever happened to your bookkeeper?

[Cruising Speed]

If you’re not part of the solution....you’re part of the precipitate.

I take it your talking about SJW 'snowflakes'.

[T-Bone Texan]

Never trust an atom.

They make up everything!

[jeffc]

You lost me.

I told it to my wife.

We're both drawing a blank....