Need help with building friendships/conversation skills (esp. for young Freepers)

2/1/03 | myself

[katnip]

Now you are starting to sound like my son. He is only 10 but gets on so much better with adults than with children his own age.

You are obviously very mature, so you'll have to give the guys time to catch up to you.
The girls will probably be closer in maturity to you (don't tell guys I told you that :-)

Don't get discouraged.

[rwfromkansas]

How do you avoid making it sound like an interrogation when you do this....? This girl seems to be fairly quiet herself and it felt like an interrogation when we kept asking eachother our interests on the date and I do not want to have that happen again just being friends.

BTW, I am trying to start friendships with guys as well, obviously. My roommate and a friend of his down the hall watched a movie yesterday and I would have went except for me having to do something at the time. And, I will try to develop something with one guy that is in the group that I sit with at lunch (and also the one I hung out with once).

[rwfromkansas]

It was rather funny my freshman year in high school because we did this "love compatibility test" thing for Valentine's Day as a little fun thing. I ended up getting NO freshmen at all on my list. It was crazy; I got a list full of junior and senior girls. All the guys came to look at my list because the hottest girl in the school (as determined by our superficial opinions of course...) was on the list. It was a riot. Well, I better get off here for now, but thanks for your input.

[katnip]

Good night. Good luck.

[GovernmentShrinker]

My suggestion is to practice. I know, I know, you're thinking how can you practice when you can't keep conversations going long enough to keep people around. No problem. All that time you're alone, pretend you've got someone with you. You can pretend all sorts of different people, from people you really know, to famous political pundits. You can practice conversations over and over again, improving each time. You could practice redoing conversations that didn't go well, and figure out how you could have changed/continued them. Honestly, I think many (maybe most) people who are really good conversationalists do a lot of this, or at least did when they were younger.

[LurkerNoMore!]

Rw, next time you are on the phone or talking to someone and suddenly can't think of anything to say, remember this: Ask them something to get them talking about themselves.

Ask them about their hometown, high school, if they have any pets, etc... comfortable subjects that will also put them at ease. (they may be as tongue-tied as you!)

[Jen]

Well, are you able to laugh at yourself?

If I were in that situation and it felt like I was interrogating someone, I would say something like "Gee, this seems like I've been interrogating you. Now, you can interrogate me for awhile. hahahaha" Or something goofy like that. I would try to make a joke of the situation to put us both at ease.

Do you and this girl have any interests in common?

[gcruse]

People love to talk about themselves. Let them. Ask them questions and listen. It takes the attention off you, which lets you relax a little, and while they are talking, you can be thinking of things you want to say in response to them. I know where you are coming from. I was the same way. Freepmail me if you wish. Good luck.

[Auntie Mame]

There is only one thing a man needs to do to make women flock to him. I've told this to many men. WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO MEN THAT ARE INTERESTED IN THEM.

And my final piece of advice if you'd like to be more socially adept: Get a part-time job as a waiter. You will find you have a reason to go up to strangers and speak to them. You will always have something to say to them, and you will smile at them. It will change your life, especially in social skills.

[ETERNAL WARMING]

I am older and now wiser. LOL The turning point for me came when I realized that people were just like me. They too felt shy, didn't know what to say, etc. It made it easier for me to approach them once I realized this. It was just about sharing, not I'll die if I bomb this conversation. If there's someone in class, talk about the class or the test or the assignment. Talk about the fields they're pursuing...what they hope to do with their lives. Put some humor into it. It makes them less afraid of you.

[foolscap]

I've been where you're at and can really sympathize with how painful the situation can be. I suffered terribly with this same problem when I was younger. I discovered that it was not that I had nothing to talk with others about but rather my anxiety over wanting them to like me that was the problem. I would get so anxious about making a good impression everything I could think of to talk about would just fly out of my head. I found that as I got older and became more comfortable with myself it became much more easy to communicate.

People used to give me very good advice on where to meet people but the problem was never lack of opportunity but my own inability to make a connection. It was really when I gave up the desire to make a good impression and have people love me that I became free from the fear that stood in my way I have found that for some reason the more you want people to love you the more you can be sure that they won't. They can sense the anxiety and want to turn away from it.

I found it very helpful looking into information on social anxiety. There are some wonderful books on the topic. I found that the cognitive behavioral approach was the most helpful because it was the most direct and practical. It also tends to get quick results if you willing to work at it. I strongly urge you to look into this. It really helped me get out of my own fear and to look at social situations realistically instead of making them into a matter of life or death. Life can be a wonderful thing when you no longer feel driven by the need for other's approval. You become much more relaxed and are able to be friendly and open with other. When your in that place the people with whom you share common interest will be thrilled to have met you. I hope this helps a little bit.

[Dan from Michigan]

I have probably about 5 years on you if you are a freshman in college.

In my case, I just be myself. It's the only thing I know how to do.

I'm also very active in areas I'm interested in. I'm active in political orgs. In college I was on an intramural football team. I've coached football for 4 of the last 5 years as well. My political work has helped me quite a bit as well. I went door to door last year for candidates and met people that way. That was an experience(Luckily it was a right wing area.) and it was mostly positive.

I met a lot of friends(not just aquaintances) from the activities I was in. Good luck, and stay positive. You'll be alright.

[VRW Conspirator]

You questions indicate that you have wisdom and guts to ask.

This will be a most exciting journey if you allow it to happen. First, I beleive, is for you to change your perspective. To add to AntiJen's thoughts, when you ask people about themselves, make sure you acknowledge their answers when they respond to your questions. Here is a simple example:

Where are you from?
-Iowa
Iowa? What town? (-city? -parts? etc.)

Now that you acknowledged their response with, say, another question, ask them about their major or what they do or more about where they are from. The key is to appreciate what they say. Here is an example:

Iowa is known for farms among other things, did you work on one?
-Yes, we grew a lotta corn.
Farming is hard work. I am glad I can get Corn Flakes and corn syrup so cheaply. (yeah, I know this is a little hokey, but you get the point)

Now you can continue the process.

Do you plan to take courses that will help you be a better farmer?
-Heck no. I am taking accounting so I can get off the farm.
Accounting is difficult. But you seem pretty smart and I know you know how to work hard. I am sure you will do well.

You will endear people to you because you have taken a genuine interest in them. Note that in these examples, the direction of the conversation did not have anything to do with you. You can relate the conversation to yourself if you want to. For instance, if you were a farmer, you might have added that as a note to your response.

The perspective is to become a gentle interviewer. Of course you do not want to dig too deep. In a phrase, turn on the "you" light on and turn off the "me" light. This is difficult for people who have a hard time maturing emotionally.

There are hundreds of books on such a subject. You are a student, aren't you? Then, I recommend that you get several of these book. As a matter of fact, I am of the firm opinion that "How to Win Friends and Influence People", by Dale Carnegie should be required reading for all college freshman. I could go on, but you have a path now (the books) to not only overcome the conversation barriers but to become master of the conversation. I am eager to hear the fantastic results you get after applying yourself.

[Lorena]

I can't believe that no one else has mentioned this ... I'd like to suggest that you read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. There's great advice in this classic and what I remember the most from reading it is what some of the others here have already advised you - be interested in other people. Get them talking about themselves and be a good listener. Follow up and draw them out on the little things they say. Remember what people tell you and the next time you see them you can ask them about it. For instance, if someone's going away for the weekend, then the following week you ask them how it went and what they did. The most interesting people are those who are sincerely interested in others.

I've seen your posts and you obviously express yourself very well and are not a dull person. You're smart, you're nice and sound like a great guy. Keep praying and believing that the Lord will bring into your life those friendships that he wants you to have. Don't try to be someone you're not ... be yourself but do your part by getting out, getting involved and being friendly.

Also, I think that you being nervous about what to say could be hampering your confidence and ability to converse. You could claim these verses for your own:

... do not be anxious beforehand how you shall reply in defense or what you are to say. For the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour and moment what you ought to say.
(Luke 12:11,12 Amplified Bible)

His help will be there, allowing you to ...

Let your speech at all times be gracious (pleasant and winsome), seasoned [as it were] with salt, [so that you may never be at a loss] to know how you ought to answer anyone [who puts a question to you].
(Col. 4:6, Amp.)

[rwfromkansas]

I do that, but it only goes so far and I never seem to think of things to talk about that don't deal with class, work, current events etc. It blows my mind how some people I sit with at lunch think of all this cool stuff to talk about and transition into it so wonderfully.

[rwfromkansas]

I do recall we made a joke about the interrogation feeling. I certainly can laugh about myself...:)

We have a good number of interests in common, which is one reason I am so darn frustrated...lol. We both believe the same things religion-wise, we both work at the library, we both like to read, we both like a lot of the same music, we both are pursuing teaching certification (her in theatre and me in history...she also likes history, btw). Some of the problem may be just not having done much together yet. Perhaps once we do that more, it will begin to get easier.

[RnMomof7]

You have gotten some very good advise here ..but you may not understand how good it is just yet *grin*

RW there are all kinds of people and personalities in the world..there are the glad handers that have superficial "friendships" all over the place and no one that knows their heart..and then there are the people that are quite and may only have one or two real friendships in their lives..be as God made you, do not try to remake yourself

Jer 1:5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, [and] I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations

You are fearfully and wonderfully made..rejoice in who you are..do not try to be someone else, you will never be happy there.

Do things that interest you because they interest you..not to "make friends" Do not work hard at "making friends" just try to be a good listener and a caring person. Would you be 'happy" with hours of mindless "liberal chatter"? Or would you simply go along to be one of the crowd?There is a difference between pleasure and happiness. Often what is pleasurable will not bring real happiness

Be yourself..find things you like to do because they make you happy..along the way you will find others that find happiness where you do..you will not need to wear a false face to "fit in".

Do you have a Campus Crusade on Campus? A Chess club? A young Republican Club? There you will find people that have that interest in common with you..you will have something to talk about, you will not have to 'force" yourself to make small talk

Friendships start out as casual relationships..like seeds the grow and blossom...some die others bear fruit..

You are a very nice young man..perhaps a bit ahead of the curve on many things..be patient, be a good listener...be real..be who you are.

I will ask God to send you a friend. One very good friend...