Senator, Your Job Has Been Outsourced

AmericanProtest.net Weekly Column ^ | 04/09/2004 | Wayne Boettcher

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Senator, Your Job Has Been Outsourced

by Wayne Boettcher

AmericanProtest.net
Posted 04/09/2004

The Honorable Senator Smugview
Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510

This letter is to inform you that your services are no longer required. We realize you thought being a Senator was a protected position but, as it turns out, the bill you signed recently to allow the foreign contracting of government employees applies to you, too! Therefore, we, the people of your state, have taken action in order to save money and help the economy. Remember, these are the reasons you gave while signing the aforementioned bill. Now, Senator, your job has been outsourced.

We understand if you are upset at this turn of events, but you should have actually read that bill before you co-sponsored and helped pass it. We all know that few members of Congress actually read the bills they pass and that this has been a common practice for years. But here is some good news that may help cheer you up. Your replacement, Sancheti Deepak Kamur or Deepak (as he likes to be called) has agreed to fully read every bill before he votes on it! Isn't that great? We knew you'd be relieved to hear that.

We're sure that you will easily be able to find another career. After all, no one would openly discriminate against you because of your age. There must be a great need somewhere for a pontificating clotheshorse experienced in riding around in private jets and limousines, and who is an expert in having meetings and facilitating unusual financial transactions. Unfortunately, unemployment payments do not apply in your case. Sorry.

But don't be discouraged; your government is here to help! As a former employee, you have preference in the government posts that are still left. The state employment agency will help you with resumes and job searching and, if necessary, retraining and placement. For instance, the US Department of Health is always looking for government cattle stockyard inspectors, which should require very little instruction for a man of your experience. And the local County Animal Control division still has an opening in their Rabies Department that requires only a two-week retraining period. There are endless opportunities here in our great country!

You'll be thrilled to know how much money the state will be saving in this move. Your replacement will be working for a fraction of your former salary. Also he does not require the expensive furniture, carpets, draperies and paintings previous Senators always have installed at taxpayer expense when they take office. He seems to understand that saving money of the taxpayers is the object here and so has stated that he requires only a functional utilitarian office. We also ran a background check on our new Senator and found no credit problems, felonies, high rates of traffic tickets or college cheating charges, unlike most Senators.

Mr. Kamur will also be taking a lot less vacations and personal time off. He seemed offended by the idea that he would take so much time away from work, even when we offered him one tenth of the time you took off last year. He was also perfectly happy with the used minivan we provided for an official vehicle and said no driver was required, as his oldest son would drive him around for a pittance. The taxpayer-supported fleet of limousines you were using is even now being sold at auction.

Our newest outsource contract employee also reports that he does not need any eight hundred dollar a night hotels for friends, family or staff when they are in Washington DC visiting him, which you said were absolutely necessary for you to have when your niece was in town or when your bowling league or one of your numerous consultants were staying in town overnight. Mr. Kamur noted his third cousin Baghat owns a very low priced hotel in the area and will allow his staff, family and friends to stay at a discount any time.

You will also be happy to learn that Senator Deepak told us he would be willing to follow and uphold the US Constitution and asserted that he could easily see the context in which the Founding Fathers formed our government by reading their works and other papers of the time. He had a tear in his eye when he told us how he read the Constitution and its Amendments, and promised to uphold it literally with no shenanigans to get around it's plain meaning or change what the writers intended. In fact, he agreed to take a yearly test to ensure knowledge of this important document to comply with his contract. This is quite a different attitude than most Senators we have seen and a marked improvement in our view.

Senator Smugview, or "Mr." Smugview as we should be calling you now, we understand if you may have a complaint about the policy of the outsourcing of your position, but it is allowed under the law. Perhaps you could write your new Senator about it or meet with him at his office. His schedule that he made out for the first year shows that he will be far more available than previous Senators have ever been for answering letters and meeting with constituents. Isn't that wonderful?

In fact, everything has gone so well with our Senator outsourcing plan thus far that we are now thinking of replacing all of our judges the same way. In the last 30 years they too seem to have had a terrible time understanding who it is that they work for and what the clear meaning is of the Constitution and existing laws. We are getting to work on that project immediately.

Mr. Smugview, enclosed find a check for two weeks severance pay. It seems quite generous especially with that big raise you got last quarter. That should tide you over for quite a time. Remember to please pack up your things quickly to help facilitate our change over. It's been a real experience having you as our Senator. Goodbye and good luck in all your future endeavors.

Signed,

The State Committee for Foreign Outsource Contracting of Government Employees