QUESTIONNAIRE FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

A FEW YEARS AGO SOMEONE GAVE ME THIS HYSTERICAL QUESTIONNAIRE THAT THE FATHER WOULD GIVE THE YOUNG GUY WHO WANTS TO DATE HIS DAUGHTER. ONE OF THE QUESTIONS ON IT WAS "WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BONE?" ANYONE HAVE A LINK TO THIS QUESTIONNAIRE OR KNOW HOW I CAN GET A COPY?

This is similar to what I gave my girls to hand out to the interested young idiots who thought young women or old men don't deserve respect.

10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her while talking, so long as you do not peer below her neck. If you cannot keep your hands off of my daughter's body in public, I will remove them from your arms.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but I think you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: Should you come to the door with your underwear showing and/or your pants ten sizes too big, I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the deadly barrier. You will not have sex with my daughter until after you marry her. My permission is required before you make any proposal to her. Any attempts to do so will result in your disappearance. No, I will not make this a public affair that would embarrass you. Your disappearance will say more than a public announcement.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only words I need from you on this subject is:"Sir" and "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you scream.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like cutting my lawns or changing the oil in my pickup trucks?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are no crowds, beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or carefree happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws or hangings are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have only one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. In my shop and my home I have many chemicals, such as hot lime, many firearms, shovels, a backhoe, and five hundred acres behind the house. "Do not mess with my mind if you wish to see the next sunrise. Short truthful answers are best".

Rule Ten:

After dark, you will blow your horn once, only once, when leaving the highway. As soon as you pull in front of the house, you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, remain standing next to your car. Do not escort my daughter to the front door hoping for a kiss on the cheek -- there is no need for you to come inside my home after the sun sets. After my daughter enters the house, restart your car and quietly leave my property. The speed limit is 10 mph entering or exiting the property. Do not stop to chat with the man holding the night sight equipped rifle, that will be me.

Cautionary Niota:

Be afraid of me. Yes, very, very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistakenly determine that the dust cloud from your fancy car on the dirt road from the highway is an attack on our home. After the sunsets, as I wait for you to bring my daughter home, Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to frequently start acting up, the voices in my head tell me to clean, lock and load all the weapons in my arsenal. To prepare for a Level ONE attack after dark. I have confused the sound of musical noises coming from a young mans car in my driveway with a Huey chopper firing into a rice paddy outside Da Nang during a midnight mortar attack, so turn the music off!

I hope you have a pleasant experience dating my daughter!

Courtesy of The Freeman Institute

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION
TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, history, lineage, recent FBI background check, psychiatric evaluation, and updated medical report from your doctor.

NAME:_________________________________DATE OF BIRTH:_____________________
HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT:____________ I.Q.__________ GPA____________
SOCIAL SECURITY#_________________________________________________________
DRIVERS LICENSE#_________________________________________________________
BOY SCOUT RANK:__________________________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS:____________________________________________________________
CITY/STATE_________________________________________ ZIP_________________
Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? _______ yes? _______ no?
Number of years parents married:_________________________________________
Do you own a van? _________ A truck with oversized tires? __________
A waterbed? _________ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly ring?_______________ Tatoo?_______________
(IF YES TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES)
In 50 words or less, what does DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEAN TO YOU? _________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

.In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

. Congregation you attend:_______________________________________________
How often do you attend?_________________________________________________
When would it the best time to interview your father, mother, relatives, neighbors, minister/rabbi/priest, and past girlfriends?
(supply phone numbers)___________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________
ANSWER THESE SEMI-CONFIDENTIAL QUESTIONS
BY FILLING IN THE BLANKS.

"If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is _________________________________________________________________________
"If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ______________ _________________________________________________________________________
"A woman’s place is in the ______________________________________________
"The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _________ _________________________________________________________________________
"When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her is ______________ _________________________________________________________________________
(NOTE: If the answer to #E begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and it is advised that you leave the premises right now keeping your head low and running
in a serpentine fashion.)

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE, UNDER THE PENALTY OF A SLOW DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, SOLDIER ANT TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS DRIPPING WATER TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, AND THE JANET RENO KISS TORTURE.

____________________________________________
SIGNATURE (That means your name, moron!)

Thank you for your interest in my daughter. Please allow four to six years for processing. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, anyway). Any attempt to make contact might cause you injury. If your application is rejected, two gentlemen with violin cases and cement shoes will notify you – one size fits all.

I told my daughters that the only time I want to see their 'young men' looking sloppy is if they have just been in a car wreck or have fallen from the barn roof and need help combing their hair.

The quality of young men they'll bring over for holiday dinner or a barbecue is excellent. The hats come off before they get to the front step, my wife is addressed as Mrs. and I am called Sir until we give them permission to be more casual.

I know I raised their expectations of just what a man is supposed to look like and how he is to behave around them.

It is very easy to recognize which guys are familiar with good manners and which ones aren't.

Ten years ago we were having a barbecue and about 20 kids came over.

This one young fella was on the other side of a full wooden fence that enclosed some water pumps where I could only see his neck and head. I asked, "How did you do that? Car wreck?"

He said, "I don't understand what you mean, Sir."

I said, "Either your head is twisted 180 degrees or your hat's on backwards, which is it?"

He turned his hat around and got all red faced when the girls started laughing. They nicknamed him 'One Eighty' then and there.

A few days later I saw his Mom and Dad in town. He waved and came over to say thank you for doing what he couldn't get through the kids brain. Look stupid and folks automatically think you are.

The poor kid probably still has the nickname 'One Eighty' from our little chat. LOL

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