France 2 Humiliates French Government over American military in Tsunami region

The expeditious and professional deployment of US troops on humanitarian assistance missions to areas devastated by the Boxing Day Tsunami has quite publicly embarrassed the French government â€” on live television, no less. Yet another reason to thank the US Armed Forces. To see what is sure to be one of the most exceptional moments broadcast on the French evening news all year long, make sure that you click here to watch this evening's news. (Latest version of Windows Media Player required. Before 2 PM Eastern time to-morrow, it'll be the first displayed. After that, click on the one labeled 10/01/2005 - JT 20h.)

For days now, the US military has been getting favorable coverage on the French nightly news due to its response to the Indian Ocean Tsunami. But tonight's broadcast was simply astounding. At 8 minutes into the broadcast, anchor David Pujadas begins a discussion of the disaster response and introduced a report on the American deployment:

First off, here is the powerful American machinery in action. For 24 hours now, there has been a landing ["débarquement"] taking place â€” there is no other word â€” while helicopters continue the distribution [of humanitarian aid].

The report begins with an improvised helipad and then shows US airmen distributing "survival packages" of food, clothes and demountable shelters. In addition to showing those in need that they have not been forgotten, these supplies will allow their recipients to live for another day, says the narrator.

Cut to shot of a Sri Lankan beach where amphibious vehicles are disembarking from landing craft â€” unmistakably reminiscent of the D-Day landings. Note that above Pujadas used the word "débarquement" ("there is no other word"), which is the word most often used to refer to the D-Day landings. Footage of thousands of US marines offloading equipment. None of them are armed, points out the narrator, as this is a reconstruction mission. An interview with Juan Quijada, a US marine whose rank is not given. "Just here to help them as best I can," he says. 13,000 soldiers, we're told, and so far 200 metric tons of supplies.

"Could you on this fair mountain leave to feed/And batten on this moor?" asks Hamlet.

At nine minutes and 30 seconds into the broadcast, Pujadas says that "the scale of need must not hide the failure to provide it." He introduces the next report: "... the failure of a French civilian rescue mission in one of the most heavily affected areas."

We learn that 100 French firefighters as well as rescue and response workers have been sent to Meulaboh to establish a field hospital but that 8 days after their deployment and 15 days after the disaster, only 25% of their supplies have been delivered "because France has no helicopters [to deliver them]." (NB: during the Afghanistan war, France had to rent ALL of its helicopters from the Russian army.)

"The good will of the rescuers is not in question," says Pujadas. "This is well and truly a foul up."

Yes, those were his words. Watch the damn video if you don't believe me.

The report tells us that France has only 1 helicopter on the scene, a Dauphin. However this one is on loan from the manufacturer, Aérospatiale, and is normally used to shuttle around executives, not to move large amounts of cargo.

Sporting a sour smile, a French soldier is interviewed:

For the moment, we don't have the infrastructure in place, if you will, for logistics. The tents, the shelters, the hospital grounds. We can't begin to treat people under these circumstances.

When the news team arrived, the day's mission was no more than the installation of a latrine. The narrator says:

Privately, the doctors admit that the first emergency phase has passed and that the French have missed it.

On screen, we then see a French doctor say... "As soon as our supplies gets here. No problem." Then we are treated to the image of the French begging for assistance from an Indonesian colonel! "We're expecting helicopters tomorrow," he says, asking for two trucks so they can move supplies. The colonel laughs and claps him on the shoulder. Then the French meet with some Americans. "It's been tough for us," says a French firefighter. "The Americans prove goodnatured toward the 'Frenchies,'" says the narrator. "But not much else." Then a big, impressive American Chinook helicopter arrives, empty, to pick up American journalists. French men looking dejected.

The report ends with the following summation:

... that the French army should even now be unable to provide them with a few helicopters 15 days after the fact is surprising, especially given the public outcry that the tsunami provoked. It is as though France no longer has the means even to express its emotions.

But wait. It gets worse. 12 minutes and 57 or so seconds into the broadcast: on the strength of the preceding, and devastating, report, Pujadas then turns to conduct a live interview with Defense minister Michèle Alliot-Marie, who is clearly being hauled onto the carpet. Pujadas does not begin by asking, Why have you humiliated us? Instead, he asks, "Does France still have the means to realize its ambitions, which are humanitarian in this case?"

Alliot-Marie, until recently a senior lecturer at the Sorbonne with degrees in law and ethnography, answers, "of course," but then engages in a wince-making attempt at damage control. "France is far from Indonesia," she says. "If there were many American helicopters on the scene, this is because the Americans were already there," she says.

You think Chirac was watching this at home? Was he in the next room with the sound on, pouring himself a drink? Did he throw a Baccarat crystal glass at the TV?

"They had an aircraft carrier with numerous helicopters that had docked at Hong Kong," she continues. "They've got a base in Guam, which is really quite close. So they arrived very quickly." Then Alliot-Marie attempts to explain that in fact France has reacted very quickly, that "the President of the Republic asked us to be ready as early as the 26th."

Pujadas tries to interrupt but at first is overpowered. For once. "On the 27th, we sent planes carrying doctors and various people." Pujadas finally manages to stop her and asks:

The aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln [the one Bush landed on â€” D] of which you are speaking set out from Hong Kong on the 27th, that is to say, the day after the catastrophe. The helicopter carrier Jeanne D'Arc in Djibouti only left on January 5. Hasn't there been a delay in taking decisions?"

"If you'll permit me, I'll rectify a slight error. But isn't your fault," answered Alliot-Marie. "The Jeanne D'Arc was not at all in Djibouti. It was in the Suez Canal. It was at that moment that we had them skip their stopover at Mascat (Oman) in order to go directly to Djibouti."

Uh... so it was in Djibouti? Pujadas tries to interrupt again. "But why so late?" he says, in desperation.

"But this did not happen on January 5," she assures him. "They embarked from Djibouti on January 4 but they nevertheless required just over 36 hours to fill up with fuel and assemble the crew. Today, the Jeanne D'Arc is passing Colombo and will be in Indonesia by Friday."

I didn't think such humiliation was possible. But then Alliot-Marie quite pointedly reminds us that the crappy campground where we saw French firefighters erecting latrines is now operational and a Puma assault (she says it's for transport) helicopter is now on the scene.

Then, for the final time, Alliot-Marie offers what Zeyad says the Iraqis call "an excuse uglier than the guilt."

"You know, a helicopter is not an airplane," she says. "It cannot go by itself from Paris or even from Djibouti all the way to Indonesia. It must be transported either by ships or by airplanes. Obviously, it serves no purpose to send helicopters if they cannot be maintained in the region. Which is what we are in the process of doing in Malaysia. That is where we were able to set up camp for four transport helicopters. In the coming days, that is what we'll be doing."

Alliot-Marie then firmly asserts that France is "very well represented" in the rescue effort but that in the first days of the disaster, France was preoccupied by the repatriation of its nationals. Following her words, the newscast gives the number of French affected by the disaster as 22 dead, 69 missing and 240 people of whom authorities have had "no news." However, the broadcast began with a story about a single school in Sri Lanka where over seven hundred children failed to answer Monday's role call for attendance.

Yes. The frogs, the frogs, the frogs . .

Viva La France - French Military History in a Nutshell (Including *WAR ON TERRORISM*)

Currently making the rounds in the military community: The Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

-The Dutch War - Tied

-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage.

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