New Infectious Threat Identified: SDS

Bush Derangement Syndrome has mutated seamlessly into Sarah Derangement Syndrome. I was going to try harder to come up with original nomenclature for it, but the kinship between the two psychoses is just too close. Probably only a couple of base pairs changed here. Except I think SDS is more virulent; it seems to have spread faster, and it evinces multiple phenotypes. Besides the essential paranoia about her conservatism, liberals infected with SDS exhibit pathological lying, just as they did with BDS. The obsessive focus of the prevarication appears to be primarily religious in nature, reaching its full flower most clearly when the infected subject also exhibits signs of being host to OOD (Orgasmic Obama Disorder). Additionally, though, SDS has a sex-linked expression that appears to be especially devastating to the host, rendering it incapable of cognition almost immediately. Some of the most common symptoms of SDS include a fixation on large quadruped herbivores and librarians.

Prominent individuals who are obvious carriers of this dangerous virus include Deepak Chopra, who seems to represent as well one of the best examples of OOD—in fact combining the two diseases into one super-bug. Other well-known persons exhibiting infection are Matt Damon (but then, is anyone really surprised about that? We’ve heard he is promiscuous—watch out Sara Silverman) and Roger Ebert (he’s never been the same without Siskel).

Okay, you’re right. I’m tired and slow tonight. My brain was not full of brilliances. PMS it is.

I’m not sure yet of pharmaceutical treatment, but there are a few definite NOs:

Any “light” beer or furren stuff like Stella Artois will only make it worse. Any lettuce found only in specialty grocers (arugula, raddichio, etc) is a no-no. Protein formulated solely from vegetables and molded into meat-like shapes...no.

Blood transfusions may be required if one is severely infected. O-POSITIVE is best.

I think for the most part chemical intervention will be unnecessary because the disease is so hot that it burns the host out too quickly to propagate effectively. Cerebral cognitive hemmorrhage is so precipitous and damaging that cognitive death is almost immediate and the virus dies with the host’s EEG. Fortunately, most people have such healthy immune systems that their T-cells and monocytes quickly recognize the foreign body and neutralize it by phagocytosis and anti-inflammatory processes. Many, many people carry some cross-immunity from BDS and so will quickly develop a hardened immune system. One can usually spot an immunized individual by the glazed look in their eyes and the smile playing around the corners of their mouth when they are in proximity to an infected, dying individual.

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