Posted on 10/21/2008 7:58:58 PM PDT by pickrell
HOROSCOPE or HORRORSCOPE?
Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): You are a free spirit, longing for change. A tall, dark and mysterious stranger is about to reorder your life. Cast your ballot to leave behind those bitter clingers in rural areas. Don't get caught obsessing over returns on your investments. Seize the chance for free health care; don't let misgivings about how it will be paid for, cause you to miss out.
Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21): There will be many who seek the safety of isolation, in the months to come. Take care not to fall victim to extremist theories. Good things are about to happen, but aren't here yet. The tension builds, as a biting wind of climate change pre-occupies you, since you gave away your coat.
Capricorn (December 22 to January 19): You feel the excitement of Inauguration Day, as it courses through the nation. Tingly feelings go up and down your leg. Take advantage of the many new pending offers to sign up for federal benefits. Opportunities for profit will develop as the supply of ammunition oddly disappears from the shelves. January 20th will usher in a new life for you.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18): Do not overreact to government notices that radios will not be permitted to be tuned to the A.M. band. It will only be temporary, until the stations are dealt with. The postman will bring wonderful new opportunities to register your weapons. Beware of those who cling to old, outdated writings on parchment. You've got to hand it to the new government... (or else they'll send marshalls over to take it!) A fresh approach to the balance of power will improve government on all levels, by force if necessary.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20): Strange new wonders fill your winter. The falling of a white, powdery substance, miraculous low temperatures and record levels of ice deposition stun you, showing that the new Administration is wasting no time reversing the scourge of global warming. It amazes you how quickly the problem disappeared, but this will be no time to forget the need to maintain the funding for U.N. programs to insure it stays reversed. Seize the opportunities that the coming "Keep the moon orbiting!" initiative will provide, to donate your time and zeal to the next critical cause.
Aries; (March 21 to April 19): Luck is with you, since you have won the chance to contribute to the success of society! A large package will arrive soon in the mail enabling you to spread your wealth around. Share your joy with the citizens of all 57 States, as the warm feeling of belonging settles over you. Do not fall victim to a new apprehension, however, over who it all... now belongs to.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20): Fabulous new employment opportunities are coming your way as those who have previously avoided paying their fair share are now provided free re-education. Accept the Vice-President's assurance that there is nothing to fear from the new 5 letter word, "l-a-y-o-f-f-s." A marvelous chance to meet new people while standing in a line downtown, once every week, awaits you. The key is to try new things. Buying a "Floor Cleaning for Dummies" book will give you an early edge. You will learn to conserve cash. Trust me on this.
Gemini (May 21 to Jun 20): Jupiter aligns with Mars as peace guides the planet. You now notice how old belligerent ideas about sovereignty are finally disappearing from Europe, as 5 times a day citizens now bow first to Mecca, and then to Moscow. OSHA guidelines helpfully explain that bending at the waist is always preceeded by first bending at the knees. Change is good. A new peace settles over the network media, too, as the Fairness Doctrine is no longer needed, having been replaced by the new Little Red Book... of station licensing. Disagreement and uncertainty are fast disappearing from your day, as the weather reports are gone from the radio, also now unneeded. You are already chilled by the knowledge of exactly... which way the wind is blowing.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22): Old conflicts disappear from the world as Israelis joyously go on vacation in overloaded boats, leaving behind un- necessary belongings, freed from hampering notions of homeland. Formosans joyously welcome arriving columns of mainland armor, now that complications of treaties and alliances have been rendered moot. Tears of joy flow in most of Asia. Many wonder where the credit should lay, and why they failed to pay attention.
Leo (July 23 to August 22): A close inspection of our cities' streets, is apparently the new national pasttime, as most eyes are cast downwards. Needless conversation has been replaced by guarded murmurs. Red eyes all around attest to the many late hours apparently spent by overjoyed revelers. You notice that little children who ask embarrassing questions are quickly and quietly shushed, as increasing numbers of patrolling teenagers in arm-bands fill out school notebooks to record the antisocial activities of reactionaries. New educational techniques have enabled information be gathered efficiently.
Virgo (August 23 to September 22): Do not give way to dispair. New friends are on the way. The further cuts in the defense budget have enabled a large increase in those who join you in seeking benefits in lieu of work. You will have company. Plenty of company. Lot's... and lot's... and lot's of company. Pay no attention to misgivings about last autumn. Change is good. Do not lose faith in the agenda.
Libra (September 23 to October 22): Seek warmth in the overpasses provided by the government for your shelter. Remember that cardboard is a good thermal barrier. Don't let another winter cause your teeth to loosen again, and your joints to ache. Old recordings of radio broadcasts still bear wonderful advice as to how to get the most out of dumpsters. Jackets can be stuffed with grass for increased warmth. Remember that it's only 3 more years, now, for your next opportunity for change. Look for charisma in your next candidate. Don't be fooled by policy talk. And guard your shopping cart from thugs who would wheel off all that you still own. Remember, winter comes again. Remember that you won a great victory last November. Remember to never admit that to anyone.
Publisher's note:
Next year's Horoscope will not be published, due to joyful compliance to demands that the old calendar system be replaced by the more reasonable and modern system.
We willingly submit to the declaration that it is now the Year of the Sheep, which, of course, follows the now-ending Year of the Rat.
Your fortunes will now no longer come in cookies.
EXCELLENT! Thanks for posting this...
LoL,
It would be fun to troll DU, build up a persona, and say this is a reading you personally did using your star chart.
“You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. And whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing at you behind your back.” ~ Deteriorata
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=faU-SK0pHCI
Be my guest!
Ron
Astrology is an affront to common sense and is also condemned by God. Our future depends on many things, but mainly on us.
did you read what was written?
Just between you and I, you've hit on the reason few of us are posing much nowadays. Keep your powder dry, guy, and have a good weekend!
Just between you and I, you've hit on the reason few of us are posting much nowadays. Keep your powder dry, guy, and have a good weekend!
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