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I am a Broken Man

Posted on 06/14/2010 1:48:57 PM PDT by savedbygrace

A few days ago, my wife suddenly, without forewarning that I ever detected, told me she is leaving me. The details are not important, only that I recognize it was mostly my fault.

Our grown daughter is leaving home about the same time. Within three weeks, I will be alone, with only my Golden Retriever as a companion. I'm calling on God, and he is answering, but in this physical world, it's only my Golden.

Heartbroken, deeply wounded, ashamed. That's me.

I'm hoping to receive words of advice and counsel. I'm a born again, spirit filled Christian, so I'll respond more readily to Christian-based advice and counsel, but I'm ready to accept whatever you have for me. I'm needy.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous
KEYWORDS: cowboyup; depression; divorce; sad
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1 posted on 06/14/2010 1:48:57 PM PDT by savedbygrace
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To: savedbygrace

Bummer. Can’t think of any sage advice, except life goes on and time heals all wounds.


2 posted on 06/14/2010 1:50:27 PM PDT by Travis McGee (---www.EnemiesForeignAndDomestic.com---)
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To: savedbygrace

God closed one door but I guarantee there’s another hanging wide open somewhere. You’ll find it when you’re ready to find it.


3 posted on 06/14/2010 1:52:37 PM PDT by cripplecreek (Remember the River Raisin! (look it up))
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To: savedbygrace

Been there, done that a long time ago. I’ll not give you spiritual advice as that should come through your minister/priest. But suffice it to say, look also to good friends and relatives. Don’t sit this out on the sidelines. Get out and about. Dealing with it and becoming whole again goes a lot quicker that way.

Good luck, and God’s blessings on you.


4 posted on 06/14/2010 1:52:53 PM PDT by bcsco (First there was Slick Willie. Now there's "Oil Slick" Barry...)
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To: savedbygrace

My only advice, if you can call it that, after suffering
a terrible loss earlier in my life is...

When God is all you have left, you learn God is all you need.

I’m sorry for your losses. It’s a tough blow in many ways.
Life will go on. It may even turn out better than it was.
God is capable of more than you could ask or think.

I look back now and see I am in a far, far, far better
place, thanks to His grace.

You will go through a time of grieving. Don’t get caught up
in trying to date until that process ends. At least a year.

Prayers.

in Him,
ampu


5 posted on 06/14/2010 1:53:02 PM PDT by aMorePerfectUnion
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To: savedbygrace

That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2Cor 12:10

I’m praying for you.


6 posted on 06/14/2010 1:53:02 PM PDT by evets (beer)
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To: savedbygrace
...with only my Golden Retriever as a companion

Man's best friend -- a blessing right there.

7 posted on 06/14/2010 1:53:06 PM PDT by Mr. Mojo
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To: savedbygrace
Prayers for you friend.
We're all wreckage and corrupted rejects from the time of the Fall, but we have a True friend and counselor in Jesus. He will never leave us - and HE sticks with HIS people even when they stumble. Open the Book and cry out to Him. The Psalms are always good.

You did not indicate that there was hope for reconciliation - but I'll certainly keep that in prayer as well.

8 posted on 06/14/2010 1:53:17 PM PDT by El Cid (Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house...)
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To: savedbygrace

Cry in your beer then get on your knees and thank God for the life and opportunities and the miracles he has given you and seek His wisdom and strength. Repeat, eventually cutting back on the beer and crying.

Good luck.


9 posted on 06/14/2010 1:55:18 PM PDT by pissant (THE Conservative party: www.falconparty.com)
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To: savedbygrace

Job’s friends had advice. I don’t — but you will be in my prayers.


10 posted on 06/14/2010 1:55:32 PM PDT by RJR_fan (Christians need to reclaim and excel in the genre of science fiction.)
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To: savedbygrace

I have gone through divorece. It’s beyond painful. The one thing that was told to me by my older sister was for me to take care of myself. It’s very inportant to treat yourself well and to stay focused on life, job, and all aspects. Only you can take care of yourself. You’ll find that there is an inner you that you never knew of strength, goodwill, and happiness.

You’re not alone. No one makes it through life without scars on the heart. It’s the response to times like these that makes us and where you find who you are.


11 posted on 06/14/2010 1:55:40 PM PDT by avacado
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To: savedbygrace

I am alone with my Golden Retriever too. I suggest you keep the Golden, forget about the woman, and find a lawyer. All in all I would take my Golden over my ex-wife every day.


12 posted on 06/14/2010 1:55:56 PM PDT by BubbaBasher ("Liberty will not long survive the total extinction of morals" - Sam Adams)
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To: savedbygrace

Dog is God spelled backwards. Sometimes, they are their own Red Cross. Then again, they do like socks, don’t they?

Prayers for you, sbg. You must have something important to do yet. When you can see it.


13 posted on 06/14/2010 1:56:07 PM PDT by combat_boots (The Lion of Judah cometh. Hallelujah. Gloria Patri, Filio et Spirito Sancto.)
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To: savedbygrace
My Golden's have gotten me through many hard times.

Find a new uplifting hobby that involves you dog.

Be outdoors a lot of the time.

Resist feeling sorry for yourself.

Find a professional to talk to. I know many will say that is wrong but I have known several who did it and found it very helpful.

Most likely it really isn't your fault and you will come to that conclusion downrange.

14 posted on 06/14/2010 1:56:13 PM PDT by mad_as_he$$ (Sometimes you have to go to dark places to get to the light....)
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To: savedbygrace

You have my utmost sympathy. Sometimes people to terrible things to each other. There is no good reason for it.

Guard against bitterness.

For every woman who does this to a man, there is a man who does it to a woman. So don’t hate the gender.

Keep your dignity and don’t beg. At some point in the grace of God she may realize she has done a terrible thing, and repent. It happens.

Minister well to your daughter. Let her see how a real Christian handles adversity.

Some churches believe that the Bible allows for divorce in cases of abandonment. This seems to be abandonment, but I’d assume it would have to go along for a while before it becomes permanent and isn’t just some crazy phase.

Praying for you now.

Post again if you need advice or prayer support.


15 posted on 06/14/2010 1:56:40 PM PDT by Persevero (Replace Howard Dean with Alvin Greene!)
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To: savedbygrace

When my marriages break up, I usually get another pet and repaint the house. I’m not being flip, btw. I’ve been divorced twice and had another long-term relationship that broke up. Get another pet for your lab to bound around with, and repaint the house. The inside, I mean. Bright colors. It’s very therapeutic. Ice cream helps too, but that might be a female thing.


16 posted on 06/14/2010 1:56:48 PM PDT by A_perfect_lady (I can see November from my house.)
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To: Travis McGee

At some point, you will see the Lord’s Good Hands in all of this. You could not have a better companion than your dog to go through this with. AND — personally, I do not know your wife, but as a woman, I am deeply ashamed of her. How insensitive! How rude! Did she call herself a Christian, too?

I would leave that shame you feel at the foot of the Cross and walk away celebrating. Is that too blunt? She was to honor and cherish you, to be with you through thick and thin, through rough times and good. She will have to answer the Lord, too, in this.


17 posted on 06/14/2010 1:56:51 PM PDT by bboop (We don't need no stinkin' VAT)
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To: savedbygrace

Sorry. :(


18 posted on 06/14/2010 1:57:04 PM PDT by RabidBartender (The hardest part about tending bar is figuring out who's drunk and who's just stupid.)
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To: savedbygrace

I live alone, with only cats and a dog.

I like it. Suits me very well, do ya fine.

I know it hurts now. Know it well.

Give it time. I’ve done it.

God be with you and give you strength to face the change.


19 posted on 06/14/2010 1:57:11 PM PDT by humblegunner (Pablo is very wily)
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To: savedbygrace
Cripplecreek said it well . More Freepers than wish to ever have it known have been in you exact position. I could never have been convinced of it at the time , but my life improved immeasurably a short time after my break-up .
20 posted on 06/14/2010 1:57:24 PM PDT by kbennkc (For those who have fought for it freedom has a flavor the protected will never know .F Trp 8th Cav)
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To: savedbygrace
Life is tuff. I'm losing almost everything right now. But the Sun still shines, the wind still blows and the Earth turns.

I take comfort in the fact I can still enjoy something that can never be taken away from me.

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." (Deuteronomy 31:8)

He may not pay the bills and when everything is gone, he's still there and loves ME!...No matter what.
21 posted on 06/14/2010 1:57:50 PM PDT by Dallas59 (President Robert Gibbs 2009-2013)
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To: savedbygrace

This too will pass. If depression grabs you, get medical help. Stay busy. Stay active physically. Surround yourself with friends. Dinner dates and luncheons. Don’t let guilt drag you down. Don’t ask yourself what more could you have done - that’s a dead end. Don’t blame yourself. Find something to be thankful for every day. Tell God you are blessed. Tell Him everything. Read the Bible every night.


22 posted on 06/14/2010 1:57:57 PM PDT by BipolarBob (Even the earth is bipolar.)
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To: savedbygrace

The ocean is full of other fish (not the Gulf of Mexico, mind you). Sounds to me like this is an opportunity for you to go fishing. Perhaps a few rounds of catch and release would be in order.


23 posted on 06/14/2010 1:58:03 PM PDT by Adams
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To: savedbygrace

Same thing happened to me back in 1997. I did not see it coming after over 20 years of marriage. I cried for three solid days and thought my life was over.

The last 13 years have been the best years of my life. I met the woman of my dreams at my 25 year class reunion, 3 months after my ex dumped me. We’ve been married 12 years, and the honeymoon is not over.

My three daughters are who it impacted the most, and that sucks. They were 10 to 16 at the time. Now two of them are in a female fronted band with me and the third stops by once a week to visit with my wife while the rest of us are at rehearsal.

Bottom line - it gets better. And it can get a LOT better.

BTW, you said it was your fault. Without getting into details, it is always both parties fault to one degree or another, but that is not relevant. As a friend said to me about two decades ago: “I take responsibility for some of the problems in my marriage, but not the divorce. I didn’t do it.”

Everyone is loveable and hateable. When you marry someone you CHOOSE to be their life companion, mate, friend and generally be their ally. When you act badly you are just doing what people do from time to time. It is good to try to get better, ask forgiveness and mean it. When you divorce someone you violate an oath made to man and God.

In my case, at least, almost all of the people who knew me during the divorce and “took the other side” have come back and apologized for believing things about me that time has proven to be utterly false.


24 posted on 06/14/2010 1:58:36 PM PDT by RobRoy (The US Today: Revelation 18:4)
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To: savedbygrace

I’m sorry to hear about what is going on in your life. Find a friend you can confide in.

That being said, there are some things you need to do RIGHT NOW. Cancel all your joint accounts and cards. Remove any money from them. Close/ clean out safety deposit boxes. Any valuable personal property needs to be taken off site.

You will make it through this, but remember it’s not mostly your fault. It’s at least 1/2 her fault and you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get angry. Get good and angry and stop being a doormat. It allows her to have all the power in the situation.

Remember, you can be hurt and frustrated on your own time, but if you go around being Mr. Sorry Pants then you are going to get screwed in the end and you will be even worse off.

Good luck. If you want someone to talk with you can email me through the site and I’ll be happy to give you my #. You’re going to be OK, but you’re in for a rough ride. Hunker down and concentrate on getting out on the other end intact, not on your own hurt. It’s hard, I know. You are in my prayers.


25 posted on 06/14/2010 1:58:55 PM PDT by Dayman
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To: savedbygrace
I'm so sorry. My youngest son is now going through a similar situation. He's only 26 and is just short of his 2nd anniversary. He, too, blames himself for the situation, and he, too, has turned to God for guidance. He has read several Christian books on marriage since this happened and sees how he is responsible for pushing her away towards her single female friends who have been much too available to help her through this.

I will get the names of books that have helped him. He hoped that if she saw a change in him (which has happened), she would not go through with the divorce, but it's not working out that way so far. Even so, he now knows how his actions and words caused this (blames himself entirely), and how to keep it from happening in the future. I will pray for you and will be in touch through our freeper email system. Seek help through a divorce ministry in your area--one that is especially for men, but a co-ed would help, too. You need a support group. God be with you--even if it is only by way of your Golden which has unconditional love for you, just as God does.

26 posted on 06/14/2010 1:59:31 PM PDT by DallasDeb (USAFA '06 Mom)
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To: savedbygrace

You already know the answer: cling to your Creator and Savior. He will grant you the peace that passes understanding.

My prayers are with you and the family.


27 posted on 06/14/2010 1:59:33 PM PDT by Tex Pete (Obama for Change: from our pockets, our piggy banks, and our couch cushions!)
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To: savedbygrace

I have a friend who is going through a very similar situation right now. He is heartbroken and a bit depressed. The only thing going for him is God.
This past weekend I was reminded of the most powerful tool we Christians have: Worship. Praise God through the storm, He will come through. He sends us trials because He loves us, and the reasons are known to Him.


28 posted on 06/14/2010 1:59:39 PM PDT by vpintheak (Love of God, Family and Country has made me an extremist.)
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To: savedbygrace
I recognize it was mostly my fault.

Don't buy that. It's never mostly any one person's fault. You may have erred, but trust me, she also played a significant part. And, she is also making the choice to leave. That is no one else's fault but hers. Whatever you did, (even to the point of adultery) she has a choice to forgive and remain in the marriage, which is what the Lord desires.

Prayers up. God's grace be upon you. Be penitent, humble and open to His blessings.

29 posted on 06/14/2010 1:59:51 PM PDT by erkyl (We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office --Aesop (~550 BC))
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To: savedbygrace

Do not look forward in fear to the changes in life;
rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise,
God, whose very own you are,
will lead you safely through all things;
and when you cannot stand it,
God will carry you in His arms.

Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same understanding Father who cares for
you today will take care of you then and every day.

He will either shield you from suffering
or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace,
and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.


30 posted on 06/14/2010 2:00:20 PM PDT by DryFly
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To: savedbygrace

Forgive her. Forgive yourself. Ask her to forgive you.

Ask the Lord to forgive you.

Done.


31 posted on 06/14/2010 2:00:23 PM PDT by Responsibility2nd (PALIN/MCCAIN IN 2012 - barf alert? sarc tag? -- can't decide)
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To: savedbygrace

i am 55
divorced 6 years after a 17 year happy marriage
two long term relations since divorce
chinese gf left 7 weeks ago
i have had 35 dates in 7 weeks
and a bunch are really spectacular
go to match.com
and start looking today
don’t let other peoples problems become yours.
after all, you are not a victim or a democrat, so go find a young hottie and all you will not even be able to remember your ex’s name


32 posted on 06/14/2010 2:00:43 PM PDT by genghis
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To: savedbygrace

I have been through a divorce and all I can suggest is seek out fellowship at a church. There are resources such as divorce recovery classes at many churches where you will find out that others are going through the same thing and help you with your pain.

I enrolled in such a class and got invited to a singles sunday class where I made a whole new group of friends who were all divorced. We had weekly activities and all kinds of things to do. I met my husband in that Sunday School class and we have been happily married for years.

Do not go through this alone. Go talk to your preacher and seek out like minded Christian singles. You can visit various churches until you find a group where you feel at home.

I hope this helps. My prayers are with you. God will heal your pain and put people in your life that will help. Lay your sorrow at his feet and He will guide you to the right places.


33 posted on 06/14/2010 2:00:48 PM PDT by lone star annie
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To: savedbygrace

God speed to you. I will only remind that there are hundreds of millions who would thank God for the opportunity to remake themselves. Turn the table and make this into something beneficial for all involved. Blessings!

Heed Bill Cosby’s advice. “Don’t ever challenge ‘Worse’.” :)


34 posted on 06/14/2010 2:01:01 PM PDT by MarineBrat (Better dead than red!)
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To: savedbygrace

I’m so sorry you are suffering. Go to church as often as possible and continue to ask God to lead you where He wants you to go.


35 posted on 06/14/2010 2:01:29 PM PDT by utahagen
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To: savedbygrace

get the best attorney you can afford (there is no such thing as an amicable divorce and being chivalrous will screw yourself in the long term)

Know there is no shame in temporarily relying on friends and wisely prescribed pharmaceuticals to get you through the short term (year or so)

you’ll come out OK.


36 posted on 06/14/2010 2:02:38 PM PDT by WOBBLY BOB (drain the swamp! ( then napalm it and pave it over ))
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To: savedbygrace
God won't lift the hurt. You're going to hurt.

But He will give you the strength to withstand the hurt.

Trust in Him and you'll make it through.

But remember: this is a time where faith will take an effort on your part.

37 posted on 06/14/2010 2:02:41 PM PDT by r9etb
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To: savedbygrace

I will say a prayer for you..


38 posted on 06/14/2010 2:03:18 PM PDT by Trillian
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To: savedbygrace
You couldn’t ask for a better companion than a big friendly
dog. And when things settle down a little and you’ve healed
a bit, walking them is a great way to meet women.
39 posted on 06/14/2010 2:03:28 PM PDT by CrazyIvan (What's "My Struggle" in Kenyan?)
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To: savedbygrace
Reconcile. Forgive your wife and ask for her forgiveness, too. If your wife is a Christian, get some Christian counseling.

My marriage survived adultery. Forgiveness is the key. My prayer is that it is not too late for you both...

Stop caring what other people think about you and only care about what The Lord thinks about you. Become a fool for Christ: reconcile. Surround yourself with people who think likewise...

Prayers for you...

40 posted on 06/14/2010 2:04:28 PM PDT by Dansong
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To: savedbygrace

Just you and your dog? ...sounds like paradise.


41 posted on 06/14/2010 2:04:51 PM PDT by TexasCajun
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To: Adams

Get a small dog to take her place. they don’t eat much and
don’t gripe and tell you what you can and can’t do. that dog will never let you down. start a garden and get some chickens and a pig too. you’ll forget her in no time.


42 posted on 06/14/2010 2:04:57 PM PDT by manonCANAL
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To: humblegunner
I live alone, with only cats and a dog. I like it. Suits me very well, do ya fine.

Same here. Now that I'm used to it, I prefer it. My three cats greet me at the door when I come home. They love me. (They have to, they can't open the canned cat food by themselves.)

43 posted on 06/14/2010 2:05:01 PM PDT by A_perfect_lady (I can see November from my house.)
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To: savedbygrace
I pray that God will be with you during this rough time.

If she has gone and cannot be convinced to reconsider, I would encourage you to cut yourself some major slack while recovering from this loss. There will be plenty of time in the future (in the clear light of day) to analyze what you might have done better.

And the future is always brighter than it appears when in a dark place.

That said, when a mate walks out without ever having tried to remedy the problem that caused them to walk out (or bring it to your attention), it makes me wonder if they are telling the truth (at least the whole truth).

I say that to suggest that, in this time of pain, you shouldn't beat yourself up with guilt over what you have done if the offended party never gave you any feedback (you can't fix a problem if you don't know it exists).

44 posted on 06/14/2010 2:05:51 PM PDT by SonOfDarkSkies (I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself...)
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To: savedbygrace

Read Psalm 34


45 posted on 06/14/2010 2:05:55 PM PDT by DarthVader (That which supports Barack Hussein Obama must be sterilized and there are NO exceptions!)
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To: savedbygrace

If you say it is your fault...then change those things about yourself...make everyday a living amends and good things will follow. What you will get may not be what you want it to be right now, but I promise, your life will change.


46 posted on 06/14/2010 2:06:39 PM PDT by Hildy
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To: savedbygrace
I'm a born again, spirit filled Christian, so I'll respond more readily to Christian-based advice and counsel, but I'm ready to accept whatever you have for me.

I am curious - does your wife claim to be a born-again believer as well?

We obviously don't have most of the important details, and I guess we really don't need it. God's word is clear about His view of marriage. And while He did make allowances for sinful man (who would divorce anyway, with or without His allowing it), God's purpose and plan for us all is a spirit of reconciliation.

That being said, obviously a split up marriage is an indication of some sort of failure. But at this point, it may all be beyond your ability to do anything directly to put it back together. So you must rely upon our Heavenly Father to either repair the divide, or to give the comfort and peace needed. But He also, I believe, would want you to learn from whatever mistakes or decisions may have contributed to this situation.

I will be praying for you and your whole family...

47 posted on 06/14/2010 2:08:00 PM PDT by TheBattman (They exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature...)
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To: savedbygrace

Get over it. It always takes two to tango. Women up and split all the time anymore, thee’s nothing to keep them on the farm. So thank the Lord for the good times you had, and the good times to come.


48 posted on 06/14/2010 2:08:02 PM PDT by DaxtonBrown (HARRY: Money Mob & Influence (Expose on Reid on amazon.com written by me!))
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To: Adams

#23: Not exactly a Christian response, but it was funny!


49 posted on 06/14/2010 2:08:35 PM PDT by DallasDeb (USAFA '06 Mom)
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To: manonCANAL

Oooh, yeah, the garden is good advice too. If I had land, I’d have gardened too. It always helps.


50 posted on 06/14/2010 2:08:36 PM PDT by A_perfect_lady (I can see November from my house.)
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