Skip to comments.I am a Broken Man
Posted on 06/14/2010 1:48:57 PM PDT by savedbygrace
A few days ago, my wife suddenly, without forewarning that I ever detected, told me she is leaving me. The details are not important, only that I recognize it was mostly my fault.
Our grown daughter is leaving home about the same time. Within three weeks, I will be alone, with only my Golden Retriever as a companion. I'm calling on God, and he is answering, but in this physical world, it's only my Golden.
Heartbroken, deeply wounded, ashamed. That's me.
I'm hoping to receive words of advice and counsel. I'm a born again, spirit filled Christian, so I'll respond more readily to Christian-based advice and counsel, but I'm ready to accept whatever you have for me. I'm needy.
Bummer. Can’t think of any sage advice, except life goes on and time heals all wounds.
God closed one door but I guarantee there’s another hanging wide open somewhere. You’ll find it when you’re ready to find it.
Been there, done that a long time ago. I’ll not give you spiritual advice as that should come through your minister/priest. But suffice it to say, look also to good friends and relatives. Don’t sit this out on the sidelines. Get out and about. Dealing with it and becoming whole again goes a lot quicker that way.
Good luck, and God’s blessings on you.
My only advice, if you can call it that, after suffering
a terrible loss earlier in my life is...
When God is all you have left, you learn God is all you need.
I’m sorry for your losses. It’s a tough blow in many ways.
Life will go on. It may even turn out better than it was.
God is capable of more than you could ask or think.
I look back now and see I am in a far, far, far better
place, thanks to His grace.
You will go through a time of grieving. Don’t get caught up
in trying to date until that process ends. At least a year.
That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2Cor 12:10
I’m praying for you.
Man's best friend -- a blessing right there.
You did not indicate that there was hope for reconciliation - but I'll certainly keep that in prayer as well.
Cry in your beer then get on your knees and thank God for the life and opportunities and the miracles he has given you and seek His wisdom and strength. Repeat, eventually cutting back on the beer and crying.
Job’s friends had advice. I don’t — but you will be in my prayers.
I have gone through divorece. It’s beyond painful. The one thing that was told to me by my older sister was for me to take care of myself. It’s very inportant to treat yourself well and to stay focused on life, job, and all aspects. Only you can take care of yourself. You’ll find that there is an inner you that you never knew of strength, goodwill, and happiness.
You’re not alone. No one makes it through life without scars on the heart. It’s the response to times like these that makes us and where you find who you are.
I am alone with my Golden Retriever too. I suggest you keep the Golden, forget about the woman, and find a lawyer. All in all I would take my Golden over my ex-wife every day.
Dog is God spelled backwards. Sometimes, they are their own Red Cross. Then again, they do like socks, don’t they?
Prayers for you, sbg. You must have something important to do yet. When you can see it.
Find a new uplifting hobby that involves you dog.
Be outdoors a lot of the time.
Resist feeling sorry for yourself.
Find a professional to talk to. I know many will say that is wrong but I have known several who did it and found it very helpful.
Most likely it really isn't your fault and you will come to that conclusion downrange.
You have my utmost sympathy. Sometimes people to terrible things to each other. There is no good reason for it.
Guard against bitterness.
For every woman who does this to a man, there is a man who does it to a woman. So don’t hate the gender.
Keep your dignity and don’t beg. At some point in the grace of God she may realize she has done a terrible thing, and repent. It happens.
Minister well to your daughter. Let her see how a real Christian handles adversity.
Some churches believe that the Bible allows for divorce in cases of abandonment. This seems to be abandonment, but I’d assume it would have to go along for a while before it becomes permanent and isn’t just some crazy phase.
Praying for you now.
Post again if you need advice or prayer support.
When my marriages break up, I usually get another pet and repaint the house. I’m not being flip, btw. I’ve been divorced twice and had another long-term relationship that broke up. Get another pet for your lab to bound around with, and repaint the house. The inside, I mean. Bright colors. It’s very therapeutic. Ice cream helps too, but that might be a female thing.
At some point, you will see the Lord’s Good Hands in all of this. You could not have a better companion than your dog to go through this with. AND — personally, I do not know your wife, but as a woman, I am deeply ashamed of her. How insensitive! How rude! Did she call herself a Christian, too?
I would leave that shame you feel at the foot of the Cross and walk away celebrating. Is that too blunt? She was to honor and cherish you, to be with you through thick and thin, through rough times and good. She will have to answer the Lord, too, in this.
I live alone, with only cats and a dog.
I like it. Suits me very well, do ya fine.
I know it hurts now. Know it well.
Give it time. I’ve done it.
God be with you and give you strength to face the change.
This too will pass. If depression grabs you, get medical help. Stay busy. Stay active physically. Surround yourself with friends. Dinner dates and luncheons. Don’t let guilt drag you down. Don’t ask yourself what more could you have done - that’s a dead end. Don’t blame yourself. Find something to be thankful for every day. Tell God you are blessed. Tell Him everything. Read the Bible every night.
The ocean is full of other fish (not the Gulf of Mexico, mind you). Sounds to me like this is an opportunity for you to go fishing. Perhaps a few rounds of catch and release would be in order.
Same thing happened to me back in 1997. I did not see it coming after over 20 years of marriage. I cried for three solid days and thought my life was over.
The last 13 years have been the best years of my life. I met the woman of my dreams at my 25 year class reunion, 3 months after my ex dumped me. We’ve been married 12 years, and the honeymoon is not over.
My three daughters are who it impacted the most, and that sucks. They were 10 to 16 at the time. Now two of them are in a female fronted band with me and the third stops by once a week to visit with my wife while the rest of us are at rehearsal.
Bottom line - it gets better. And it can get a LOT better.
BTW, you said it was your fault. Without getting into details, it is always both parties fault to one degree or another, but that is not relevant. As a friend said to me about two decades ago: “I take responsibility for some of the problems in my marriage, but not the divorce. I didn’t do it.”
Everyone is loveable and hateable. When you marry someone you CHOOSE to be their life companion, mate, friend and generally be their ally. When you act badly you are just doing what people do from time to time. It is good to try to get better, ask forgiveness and mean it. When you divorce someone you violate an oath made to man and God.
In my case, at least, almost all of the people who knew me during the divorce and “took the other side” have come back and apologized for believing things about me that time has proven to be utterly false.
I’m sorry to hear about what is going on in your life. Find a friend you can confide in.
That being said, there are some things you need to do RIGHT NOW. Cancel all your joint accounts and cards. Remove any money from them. Close/ clean out safety deposit boxes. Any valuable personal property needs to be taken off site.
You will make it through this, but remember it’s not mostly your fault. It’s at least 1/2 her fault and you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get angry. Get good and angry and stop being a doormat. It allows her to have all the power in the situation.
Remember, you can be hurt and frustrated on your own time, but if you go around being Mr. Sorry Pants then you are going to get screwed in the end and you will be even worse off.
Good luck. If you want someone to talk with you can email me through the site and I’ll be happy to give you my #. You’re going to be OK, but you’re in for a rough ride. Hunker down and concentrate on getting out on the other end intact, not on your own hurt. It’s hard, I know. You are in my prayers.
I will get the names of books that have helped him. He hoped that if she saw a change in him (which has happened), she would not go through with the divorce, but it's not working out that way so far. Even so, he now knows how his actions and words caused this (blames himself entirely), and how to keep it from happening in the future. I will pray for you and will be in touch through our freeper email system. Seek help through a divorce ministry in your area--one that is especially for men, but a co-ed would help, too. You need a support group. God be with you--even if it is only by way of your Golden which has unconditional love for you, just as God does.
You already know the answer: cling to your Creator and Savior. He will grant you the peace that passes understanding.
My prayers are with you and the family.
I have a friend who is going through a very similar situation right now. He is heartbroken and a bit depressed. The only thing going for him is God.
This past weekend I was reminded of the most powerful tool we Christians have: Worship. Praise God through the storm, He will come through. He sends us trials because He loves us, and the reasons are known to Him.
Don't buy that. It's never mostly any one person's fault. You may have erred, but trust me, she also played a significant part. And, she is also making the choice to leave. That is no one else's fault but hers. Whatever you did, (even to the point of adultery) she has a choice to forgive and remain in the marriage, which is what the Lord desires.
Prayers up. God's grace be upon you. Be penitent, humble and open to His blessings.
Do not look forward in fear to the changes in life;
rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise,
God, whose very own you are,
will lead you safely through all things;
and when you cannot stand it,
God will carry you in His arms.
Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same understanding Father who cares for
you today will take care of you then and every day.
He will either shield you from suffering
or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace,
and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.
Forgive her. Forgive yourself. Ask her to forgive you.
Ask the Lord to forgive you.
i am 55
divorced 6 years after a 17 year happy marriage
two long term relations since divorce
chinese gf left 7 weeks ago
i have had 35 dates in 7 weeks
and a bunch are really spectacular
go to match.com
and start looking today
don’t let other peoples problems become yours.
after all, you are not a victim or a democrat, so go find a young hottie and all you will not even be able to remember your ex’s name
I have been through a divorce and all I can suggest is seek out fellowship at a church. There are resources such as divorce recovery classes at many churches where you will find out that others are going through the same thing and help you with your pain.
I enrolled in such a class and got invited to a singles sunday class where I made a whole new group of friends who were all divorced. We had weekly activities and all kinds of things to do. I met my husband in that Sunday School class and we have been happily married for years.
Do not go through this alone. Go talk to your preacher and seek out like minded Christian singles. You can visit various churches until you find a group where you feel at home.
I hope this helps. My prayers are with you. God will heal your pain and put people in your life that will help. Lay your sorrow at his feet and He will guide you to the right places.
God speed to you. I will only remind that there are hundreds of millions who would thank God for the opportunity to remake themselves. Turn the table and make this into something beneficial for all involved. Blessings!
Heed Bill Cosby’s advice. “Don’t ever challenge ‘Worse’.” :)
I’m so sorry you are suffering. Go to church as often as possible and continue to ask God to lead you where He wants you to go.
get the best attorney you can afford (there is no such thing as an amicable divorce and being chivalrous will screw yourself in the long term)
Know there is no shame in temporarily relying on friends and wisely prescribed pharmaceuticals to get you through the short term (year or so)
you’ll come out OK.
But He will give you the strength to withstand the hurt.
Trust in Him and you'll make it through.
But remember: this is a time where faith will take an effort on your part.
I will say a prayer for you..
My marriage survived adultery. Forgiveness is the key. My prayer is that it is not too late for you both...
Stop caring what other people think about you and only care about what The Lord thinks about you. Become a fool for Christ: reconcile. Surround yourself with people who think likewise...
Prayers for you...
Just you and your dog? ...sounds like paradise.
Get a small dog to take her place. they don’t eat much and
don’t gripe and tell you what you can and can’t do. that dog will never let you down. start a garden and get some chickens and a pig too. you’ll forget her in no time.
Same here. Now that I'm used to it, I prefer it. My three cats greet me at the door when I come home. They love me. (They have to, they can't open the canned cat food by themselves.)
If she has gone and cannot be convinced to reconsider, I would encourage you to cut yourself some major slack while recovering from this loss. There will be plenty of time in the future (in the clear light of day) to analyze what you might have done better.
And the future is always brighter than it appears when in a dark place.
That said, when a mate walks out without ever having tried to remedy the problem that caused them to walk out (or bring it to your attention), it makes me wonder if they are telling the truth (at least the whole truth).
I say that to suggest that, in this time of pain, you shouldn't beat yourself up with guilt over what you have done if the offended party never gave you any feedback (you can't fix a problem if you don't know it exists).
Read Psalm 34
If you say it is your fault...then change those things about yourself...make everyday a living amends and good things will follow. What you will get may not be what you want it to be right now, but I promise, your life will change.
I am curious - does your wife claim to be a born-again believer as well?
We obviously don't have most of the important details, and I guess we really don't need it. God's word is clear about His view of marriage. And while He did make allowances for sinful man (who would divorce anyway, with or without His allowing it), God's purpose and plan for us all is a spirit of reconciliation.
That being said, obviously a split up marriage is an indication of some sort of failure. But at this point, it may all be beyond your ability to do anything directly to put it back together. So you must rely upon our Heavenly Father to either repair the divide, or to give the comfort and peace needed. But He also, I believe, would want you to learn from whatever mistakes or decisions may have contributed to this situation.
I will be praying for you and your whole family...
Get over it. It always takes two to tango. Women up and split all the time anymore, thee’s nothing to keep them on the farm. So thank the Lord for the good times you had, and the good times to come.
#23: Not exactly a Christian response, but it was funny!
Oooh, yeah, the garden is good advice too. If I had land, I’d have gardened too. It always helps.
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