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Zombie Turtle Blames for Salmonella Outbreak
Associated Posers ^ | 10-01-2012 | geronl

Posted on 10/01/2012 3:29:23 PM PDT by GeronL

(Associated Posers) - BALTIMORE, Maryland - At least six outbreaks of salmonella poisoning are being blamed on Zombie Turtle infestations. The Centers for Disease Control reports that Zombie Turtles resemble the common Red Eared Slider but have the habit of trying to eat your brain. They are so small though (20-33 cm) that all they manage to do is nibble toes or fingers.

"All reptiles commonly have salmonella" said Joseph C. Paige, D.V.M., a Consumer Safety Officer in the FDA's Center for Veterinary Medicine "The problem with Zombie Turtles is they entice people, usually children, to handle them - even put the turtle in their mouth. This is their whole goal, of course- getting close to the brain"

Pet turtles with shells under 4 inches are illegal to sell in most states because of the possibility of contracting salmonella, but Zombie Turtles are more malicious than innocent carriers of the poison.

"Zombie Turtles actively seek out victims, they entice them - possibly with mind control or subliminal cuteness" said a herpetologist, a turtle expert. "For normal turtle exposure, a thorough hand-washing with soap is enough, just make sure that sinks and anything else that touches the animals is also well cleaned".

Differentiating a Zombie Turtle from a living, breathing turtle can be hard for the layman but the tell-tell sign is the eyes. A living turtle is looking around and at you-if you are close by, but the Zombie Turtle eyes- they keep wandering even after he has chosen you as a target.

Zombie Turtles are silent killers, the CDC estimates that at least 60 people were killed by them last year, and 2 were almost completely consumed by a Zombie Turtle Horde. A ZTH happens when Zombie Turtles attack a target in a large bale (group of turtles is a bale).

"We have reports from at least 30 states but some are much worse than others, whether those Salmonella outbreaks are Zombie Turtle-related or just stupid people poisoning themselves with regular turtles is not yet known, this requires much mre study" cautioned Joseph Paige.


TOPICS: Government; Health/Medicine; Humor; Pets/Animals
KEYWORDS:
Please be safe and aware!!
1 posted on 10/01/2012 3:29:27 PM PDT by GeronL
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To: GeronL

I live on the lake.

They watch me.


2 posted on 10/01/2012 3:33:41 PM PDT by cripplecreek (What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?)
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To: Vendome; Country Gal; Irenic

BUMP


3 posted on 10/01/2012 3:33:41 PM PDT by GeronL (http://asspos.blogspot.com)
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To: cripplecreek

Biding their time, waiting for their shot.


4 posted on 10/01/2012 3:38:36 PM PDT by GeronL (http://asspos.blogspot.com)
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To: cripplecreek

This one has it in for you, dude.
5 posted on 10/01/2012 3:39:41 PM PDT by GeronL (http://asspos.blogspot.com)
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To: GeronL

Evil looking bastuhd.


6 posted on 10/01/2012 3:42:33 PM PDT by Vendome (Don't take life so seriously, you won't live through it anyway)
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To: GeronL

Zombie kid likes turtles:
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=i+like+turtles&oq=i+lik&gs_l=youtube.1.0.35i39j0l9.3278.5557.0.7927.5.5.0.0.0.0.85.397.5.5.0...0.0...1ac.1.as5q2JE7paY


7 posted on 10/01/2012 3:45:44 PM PDT by FrdmLvr (culture, language, borders)
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To: GeronL
Never underestimate the danger posed by hypnotoads.

Photobucket
8 posted on 10/01/2012 3:51:44 PM PDT by cripplecreek (What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?)
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To: cripplecreek
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
9 posted on 10/01/2012 3:58:14 PM PDT by cripplecreek (What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?)
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To: FrdmLvr

They will follow you around, it is quite disturbing.

Ping all your FRiends and share this important news.


10 posted on 10/01/2012 3:59:51 PM PDT by GeronL (http://asspos.blogspot.com)
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To: FrdmLvr

They will follow you around, it is quite disturbing.

Ping all your FRiends and share this important news.


11 posted on 10/01/2012 4:00:33 PM PDT by GeronL (http://asspos.blogspot.com)
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To: GeronL

This Zombie Turtle stuff is pure nonsense.

I think I’ll go lick the backs of some more frogs.


12 posted on 10/01/2012 4:02:15 PM PDT by UCANSEE2 ( If you think I'm crazy, just wait until you talk to my invisible friend.)
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To: GeronL

I was attacked by a box turtle when I was little. The ones with red eyes are bad.


13 posted on 10/01/2012 4:04:07 PM PDT by Born to Conserve
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To: UCANSEE2; John Semmens; The Looking Spoon

This is a major national crisis, people must be told!


14 posted on 10/01/2012 4:11:04 PM PDT by GeronL (http://asspos.blogspot.com)
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To: Born to Conserve

I believe it, red eyes are always an indication of evil!

/s


15 posted on 10/01/2012 4:12:44 PM PDT by GeronL (http://asspos.blogspot.com)
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To: ETL; hole_n_one

16 posted on 10/02/2012 6:33:26 AM PDT by GeronL (http://asspos.blogspot.com)
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To: GeronL
We already have zombies running around today. At least the turtle variety can't vote.


17 posted on 10/02/2012 6:58:31 AM PDT by ETL (ALL (most?) of the Obama-commie connections at my FR Home page: http://www.freerepublic.com/~etl/)
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To: GeronL


18 posted on 10/02/2012 7:01:17 AM PDT by ETL (ALL (most?) of the Obama-commie connections at my FR Home page: http://www.freerepublic.com/~etl/)
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To: GeronL

OMG! This was on all networks last night.


19 posted on 10/02/2012 7:06:17 AM PDT by Lazamataz (The American news media, the 'Pravda Press', is fully Soviet-ized.)
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To: GeronL
"Zombie Turtles resemble the common Red Eared Slider but have the habit of trying to eat your brain."


20 posted on 10/02/2012 7:15:03 AM PDT by ETL (ALL (most?) of the Obama-commie connections at my FR Home page: http://www.freerepublic.com/~etl/)
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To: Lazamataz
It is a ginormous story. A lot bigger than a President telling corporations to violate federal law to enhance his re-election chances.

The best way to combat the Zombie Turtle bales, groups of turtles are bales, is to wear shoes.

SO for God's sakes wear shoes.

21 posted on 10/02/2012 7:15:46 AM PDT by GeronL (http://asspos.blogspot.com)
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To: GeronL
"Zombie Turtles resemble the common Red Eared Slider but have the habit of trying to eat your brain."


22 posted on 10/02/2012 7:16:06 AM PDT by ETL (ALL (most?) of the Obama-commie connections at my FR Home page: http://www.freerepublic.com/~etl/)
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To: ETL

23 posted on 10/02/2012 7:18:19 AM PDT by Joe 6-pack (Que me amat, amet et canem meum)
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To: ETL

lolx50


24 posted on 10/02/2012 7:20:03 AM PDT by GeronL (http://asspos.blogspot.com)
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To: GeronL
SO for God's sakes wear shoes.

I cannot. I prance around on little goat legs.


25 posted on 10/02/2012 7:26:08 AM PDT by Lazamataz (The American news media, the 'Pravda Press', is fully Soviet-ized.)
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To: Joe 6-pack

LOL. They’re more deadly than a school of piranhas!
I wonder how they pulled that cow or whatever into the water.


26 posted on 10/02/2012 7:29:48 AM PDT by ETL (ALL (most?) of the Obama-commie connections at my FR Home page: http://www.freerepublic.com/~etl/)
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To: Lazamataz

lol.

You and your cloven hooves and your annoying flute and the clippity-clop, clippity-clop of that prancing, nay, DANCING, I find extremely irritable while trying to nap.


27 posted on 10/02/2012 7:30:59 AM PDT by GeronL (http://asspos.blogspot.com)
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To: Joe 6-pack

Omigosh


28 posted on 10/02/2012 7:31:48 AM PDT by GeronL (http://asspos.blogspot.com)
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To: ETL
"I wonder how they pulled that cow or whatever into the water."

1. That's not a cow; it's a racoon.
2. That's not water; it's broth.

;-)

29 posted on 10/02/2012 7:33:35 AM PDT by Joe 6-pack (Que me amat, amet et canem meum)
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To: Joe 6-pack

broth. lol


30 posted on 10/02/2012 7:35:00 AM PDT by GeronL (http://asspos.blogspot.com)
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To: Lazamataz; PJ-Comix; ETL

Have you guys seen this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=FEdKqbqCGnc&feature=youtu.be


31 posted on 10/02/2012 7:39:03 AM PDT by GeronL (http://asspos.blogspot.com)
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To: Joe 6-pack
That's not a cow; it's a raccoon.

Oops. You're right. Didn't take time to look at it carefully.

32 posted on 10/02/2012 7:57:20 AM PDT by ETL (ALL (most?) of the Obama-commie connections at my FR Home page: http://www.freerepublic.com/~etl/)
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