Posted on 02/15/2014 11:48:35 AM PST by WXRGina
SOCHI, Russia (WNB) - Scooter Van Neuter reporting from the 2014 Winter Olympics.
It took a few moments this morning for me to figure out why I was in my underwear, covered with poop, and sprawled under a bush outside of my hotel. Then I remembered accidentally dropping the bucket I've been using as a toilet while emptying it from my balcony last night, and going down to retrieve it.
I don't really remember anything after that, but I'm guessing I managed to find the poop but not the bucket. I made a mental note to stop drinking vodka after 2:00 AM, then stole a pitcher from the hotel restaurant and went back to my room, knowing the day could only get better.
After a quick vodka sponge bath, I grabbed the train for Olympic Park and a full day of productive reporting on the world's greatest sporting event. Once there I hit the media bar for a hearty breakfast of pickled herrings and delicious vodka.
I saw Bob Costas was there again and he looked even scarier than yesterday, if that were possible. I'm not referring to his terrifying bulging bloodshot watery eyes, but the bizarre unnatural color of his hair - It appears Just For Men now comes in "Fecal Bark," and Bob's vampire eye disease has made him blind. Sad.
I stayed away from Costas so I wouldn't stare, and because the demon vodka-marinated herrings had possessed my colon, making me fart like a machine gun from Hell. Even the dogs scattered after I accidentally killed a Shih Tzu that had gotten too close. I got out my program to choose an event to cover, and decided on the Halloween-themed "Women's Skeleton." I paid my tab and headed for the venue.
Once there I was more than a little pissed to discover I'd been bait-and-switched. The event was actually just the luge, only with the chicks flipped over, riding the tiny sleighs on their stomachs instead of their backs. There were no skeletons (although a couple of the North Koreans were close).
What the hell is it with the Russians? Calling the same sports different names doesn't fool anyone. And how does a nation that terrified the U.S. for decades only know how to make things out of cast concrete, dense rubber, or stamped pot metal? I bought a souvenir ballpoint pen at the gift shop and it weighed almost two pounds, for God's sake. (The first time I used it, it caught fire). Don't even get me started on the lack of drinkable water, working plumbing, or giant fake boobs.
After spending a week here, I've come to the obvious conclusion that the fact the Russians have perfected vodka and absolutely nothing else, is unquestionably related.
Anyway, the fake luge thing was the last straw. Outside of the wall-to-wall dogs, this place sucks. After hitting the bar I'm out of here.
Thanks! I read the whole 7 days and I cannot stop laughing!
Scooter is a riot, and his “photography” can make you bust a gut! :-)
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