Be prepared for legal fees too! No one wins.
You stay with the kids and she can leave.
Watch Divorce Corp documentary. It is on Netflix. Just watch.
I’m going through it right now and have some observations for you. PM me your email and I’ll go into it further.
You are not asking the right person. Get on you knees and pray for guidance from the Holy Spirit. Get your Bible out and read it. It will open to the appropriate place. When you get the guidance, follow it.
Is there any chance, however remote, for reconciliation?
From experience, I can tell you that divorce is devastating to all involved. And it will cost you a fortune.
PRAYERS. GOD KNOWS.
Feel for ya dude,respond to private messages thing get as much info as you can.
1st one to hire an attny wins...dont screw around go for the throat
Before you jump in with both feet, do a financial assessment of your assets with regards to your age and health.
If you are 50’ish, and have some reserves, you should be able to recover from the damage without endangering your financial future.
Every situation is different and much depends on which State you live in.
It cost me a bunch but after 2 years, I already regret not doing it sooner.
get a hobby
But seriously folks... if it is a mutual divorce decision and you are in agreement, just draw it up and have a single lawyer file the paperwork.
Otherwise, it is not a ‘fair and just’ system- it is two lawyers fighting with each other until all the money is gone, followed by an idiotic decision by an idiot.
Then the lawyers go out to dinner together (with your money)
But really, get a hobby and do something you’ve always wanted to do. The kids will love to see you interested in something other than the proceedings. With luck they’ll like doing it with you.
I find and restore old boats and go boating/fishing. its a ton of fun- and people are giving them away free (look online)
Do not move out of the house until a court tells you to do so.
Before you start crying in your beer you need to do an accounting of all bank accounts, retirement accounts, personal property, real estate, etc. that you have accumulated during the marriage. That is number one. Make a list and present it to your lawyer.
Second, you are probably thinking that this is going to be an amicable split. WRONG. You need to prepare yourself for a bare knuckles brawl. Women will fight over an ashtray. Trust me.
Third, DO NOT leave your house until the divorce is finalized. Once again, DO NOT leave your house until the divorce is finalized.
Trust me, you’ll have plenty of time to cry in your beer later. But you need to put your business hat on, pronto!
My sister went through this - I live nearby and got all details. Her husband was unfaithful, decided he would rather not break things off with the other woman when he was discovered.
Son had entered college, younger daughter was in jr. high. Daughter took it harder. She was very much on Mom’s side and angry with her father for what happened. 10 years later, it seems she’s forgiven her Father, but has not forgotten.
Your children are older, which is good. They can process things independently. From my sister’s case, my only bit of advice is - kids want stability. As much as you are tempted, do not badmouth your spouse or rant in front of them. Remain calm. Let kids know that regardless of what happens, they are the priority. Draw them closer - talk to them more, arrange more opportunities to be together. Also, our sappy, emotive modern culture wants to make kids “victims.” Its hard, but don’t be tempted to treat them differently or change your rules, or expectations.
Married about 19 years, divorced since 1991. Took all 4 of my kids, so I don’t have your loneliness. Never remarried.
If I’d shot mine when I 1st wanted to, I’d have been out long before now.
I have not been married. But all my male family members have been divorced and nearly all of my male friends and colleagues have been divorced. Most the wife initiated divorce.
My advice as a life long bachelor with zero interest in getting married who has witnessed divorce.
Stay fit. Join an out door adventure club. Travel. Don’t date another American woman if you can avoid it. Go to Poland or other former USSR state. Don’t bring alcohol home but go to brewpubs if you like beer. Bars are depressing on purpose but brewpubs are lively places. Try to remain on good terms with the ex wife. Prepare to REALLY downgrade your living expenses. You still get to pay for hers and if she’s going to be vindictive she’ll find a lawyer that will make sure you live in poverty. Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for battle. There are tons of men out there to reach out to and know exactly what you’re going through and they can provide friendship.
First: sorry for your situation. It is usually never an easy choice but it does happen. I do not know if you are the leaver or the leave-ee: that makes a difference.
The leaver has made some internal adjustments, has thought about it and has developed his rationales. The leave-ee usually is surprised.
I was in that place some 20 years ago. I can still recall it vividly, more so than that my wedding.
I embraced the loneliness...not always successfully but knew in the end, it was me who mattered. If you cannot be with yourself then no one else can be either. It takes time to re-emerge as a “you” after being a “we”.
Kids: my greatest disappointment was the hurt I caused my kids. Yeah, I could and did argue that they would be better off than their parents fighting all the time but it still hurt. I tried to be magnanimous and say they could stay with their mom for Christmas but it hurt and caused some really awkward years. Sometimes the younger they are the worse it is. Sometimes the older they are the worse it is. But always it remains: they did not ask for their situation.
I can only say that divorce was one of the great good things that happened to me. I never once regretted it, aside from the kids. I never once wished it were otherwise.
Hopefully you will find peace within yourself and be happy and satisfied.
Even when its for a good reason, divorces are a lose lose situation except when domestic violence is a part of the picture.
As a parent who divorced & then later met/married a divorced woman with children I can assure you the children suffer the most in a divorce. If there is ANY way you can salvage the marriage, PLEASE do so for the kids sake.
In any case, Peace be with you & your whole family.
Seriously the thought of Divorce and the process of Divorce are a nightmare. I’m different than most divorced guys I know.
I went eight years with a separation and when the last kid graduated from High School I filed. I had custody of the kids the whole time and I did my best not to bad mouth anyone.
The end result was a amicable divorce and we both went on our separate ways like we had been doing in the ‘separation’. It took lots of time and heartache to do. But my kids are doing fine now and so am I. The ex unfortunately is not, but that’s her story... not mine.
Be ready to be destroyed. My friend had three great kids after 13 years of marriage. His wife would not stop her spending which finally totaled $100,000 in credit card debt. SHE sued for divorce because he was being “mean” to her. He lost everything, and I mean everything. Not only does she get rich child support, he has to pay all her legal expenses ($45,000) plus 1/2 of the $100,000 debt she racked up. He gets to see his kids every other weekend. He now lives in an old walk-up. He’s broke. He can’t concentrate on his work and keeps changing jobs. The female judge gave her everything she wanted plus saddling him with her debt and all legal expenses. He has no money for an appeal. He never did anything to deserve this. Beware.