Posted on 06/16/2004 7:00:07 PM PDT by Military family member
"Childrens Handbook"
For those with No children - this is totally hysterical! For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age - this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age -this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children - this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learn ed from my Children (honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late. (No matter how old the child!)
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV comm ercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said,
"Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
She reads minds, too!
Humor Ping to llighten your day spread it around
MFM, thanx for the ping.
Randog, count me in that 60%.
And yeah, I'm laughing. Don't ask me why...my grianddaughter is si346tting in my lap tryhbing to type, too!!
Thanks!
I needed a good laugh tonight!
Thanx for the ping. I can identify with a few items on the list, though I never had to deal with most of *those* things. LOL
All of my sons know they are under the Mother's curse (I hope you have a child just like you) & I think it's scared them away from ever having any kids.
LOL thanks for the ping.
Really Funny! My kids are grown, but every once in awhile when we're all together, I find out about stuff they did that I never knew about-nothing quite as bad as these, thank heavens. Thanks for posting!
I'm copying this and forwarding it to everyone I know who has kids... (and I don't usually do that).
(By the way, even if I still had a living husband, I would certainly class this article as EXCELLENT birth control!!!)
too funny
ping
ping
ping
Normally I just ping for the family table thread but this was way too funny not to pass on. Enjoy!
#3 is very true :-)
Also a hairdryer when held on a matteress will start a fire inside the mattress.
"I'm fixing things" is not something you want to hear from a 3yo with a screw driver in her hand!!!!!
ROFLMAO...........Than you both.........this is wonderful!!!!!
I love seeing the look on my mother-in-law's face when her children get together and talk about things they did that she didn't know about. Sometimes I think she's surprised they survived.
BTW, I have children these ages and did find it funny. In our family we all still remember how acrylic paint does not come off of flat paint. When my oldest was 4 years old we woke up to find out he had gotten into his dad's model paints and had decorated the tv room with hand and foot prints. He remembers it because he got the biggest spanking of his life that day, then had to clean the windows and try to clean the walls. When his little sister (who was 1) woke up she got an excited look on her face and shouted, "Blue's Clues!!"
Great story.
Nail polish does not come off harwood floors without much sandpaper usage...........
>>All of my sons know they are under the Mother's curse (I hope you have a child just like you) & I think it's scared them away from ever having any kids.<<
That's funny because my mom said the same thing to my oldest sister.
That sister got TWO of them. One with her devious, lying behavior and the other with her sourness.
She must have been really bad.
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