Posted on 01/07/2005 6:12:20 PM PST by miliantnutcase
Friday, January 07, 2005 Exclusive ACLU Area In Hell Nearly Complete 12/28/2004 - Matt Myford Preparations for an ACLU-only area in Hell are nearly complete, underground construction sources said yesterday.
The area, more than 3 square miles of "hotter than usual" turf, will hold members of the American Civil Liberties Union, an organization whose sole objective is the elimination of Christmas from public life.
"There's a mini-volcano there burping up hot lava and everything," said an anonymous representative of Otherwordly Construction, Inc. The company recently sold its soul to the devil for the exclusive, no-bid offer of expanding Hell.
The construction project is believed to be the first known addition to Hell since the 1940s, when Nazi and Japanese war criminals headed for their eternal damnation en masse.
Rumors have been swirling that whenever a particularly active ACLU busybody prepares for afterlife, he'll be "express shipped" to the ACLU area of Hell, "no ifs, ands, or buts about it."
A feature story in an upcoming issue of Architectural Digest will reveal the area of Hell for ACLU members. One editor said it "makes the lands of Mordor in those Lord of the Rings movies look like a bright, sunny meadow."
Analysts estimate the ACLU expansion of Hell increases 10 square feet for every nativity scene protested and 5 square feet for every time someone is forced to say "Happy Winter Solstice" instead of "Merry Christmas."
In related news, Hell is "expanding its horizons" by housing "foreign" folks, including Islamic terrorists. "It's all about diversity, right?" said a representative in Hell. "For instance, we're keeping the 9/11 hijackers here for 10,000 years or so. That may sound like a long time, but next to eternity, it ain't nothin', bub."
:) they should decorate that part of Hell with Christmas trees and pipe in Christmas carols on a PA.
thought this was a real story at first
humor ping
It isn't? Bet you a quarter!
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