Quotes from 11 Year-Old's Science Exams

5. Nitrogen is not found in Connecticut because it is not found in a free state.

6. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

9. Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

11. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

12. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

15. The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.

18. The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

19. A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

20. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

22. Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.

31. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

33. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.

34. For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

35. For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

36. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

39. For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

Found this on the internet years ago. I've kept it in my files to share every now and then. It's good for a bunch of laughs:

A History of the World compiled from hilarious student test answers from numerous sources in Australia, Canada, the United Kingdom and the United States. You'd better sit down before you read this.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, _Guinesses_, God created the Big Bang. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?" Noah built the Arc to rescue the animals which were killed by the Big Bang. Noah's wife was Joan of Arc, who reigned for forty days and forty nights. God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they didn't take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharoah forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. Afterward, Moses went up Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. David was a Hebrew King skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called Mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The capital of Egypt is Cleopatra.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in _The Illiad_ by Homer. Homer also wrote _The Oddity_, in which Penelope had the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbours were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramones conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. The Romans spoke Latin, and their armies conjugated the peoples of many nations. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefield of Gaul. He conquered Europe, Africa and Peru. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Caesar had a trusted friend named Marie Antoinette. Nero was a cruel tyrant who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. They were called Dark Ages because the nights were very long. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was canonised by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

In Midevil times, most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the Father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Galileo invented the telephone, but the Church later cut his communications. Sir Walter Raleigh is an historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Marco Polo went to China and he would not leave until they gave him spaghetti. China was ruled by Confusion. Chinese people sailed in ships made out of junk. They were very poor. Japan was ruled by warriors called Samaritans. The ruler of Japan was called the Vampire. Japanese houses were made of rice and paper. The most famous mountain in Japan is Mount Fuey. The most famous cities in Japan are Tokyo, Oshkosh and Saki.

The government of England was a limited mockery. King Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen, she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "Hurrah!" Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money, and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are examples of an heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote _Donkey Hoty_. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote _Paradise Lost_. Then his wife dies and he wrote _Paradise Regained_. Moliere was a French playwright who wrote French plays, and most of them were in French. He lived in France.

During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic Ocean. His ships was called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Atlantic Ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock in Massachusetts, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their backs. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. Pocahontas was a princess from Indiana.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in the tea. The Boston Tea Party was when angry colonists dumped tea into Boston Harbour dressed as Indonesians. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without any stamps. During the war, Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin was two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became The Father of His Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constipation, the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became the greatest President of the United States. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength". He also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."

Jefferson Davis became President of the Confounded States of America, which began the Civilised War. Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while travelling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. The Civil War ended when General Granite defeated General Lee on the Battlefield of Appendicitis. On the night of 14 April 1865 Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. During the Reconstruction the transcontinental railway was completed when they hammered the Golden Spick into the ground. So Spain declared war on the United States.

Spain sent many conquistadores, toreadores and cuspidores to the New World. Hernando Cortisone conquered Mexico in 1521. Most of the Aztecs and their ruler Moctezuma II were fatally slain by this. Francisco Pizzeria conquered Peru in 1533 but he lost the Inky city of Matzoh Pizza. He could not find it for many centuries but by then he was dead. Argentina was inhibited by cowboys called grouchos. They lived in Buenos Aires and threw bolas which annoyed the citizens. The Queen of Argentina wore a tiara called Dell Fuego. The capital of Paraguay is Uruguay. The capital of Chile is Sacramento. The capital of Bolivia is Lapiz. The capital of Venezuela is Castanets.

Finally in 1820 the revolting leader Simon Bolivar told Spain to go home and so most of South America became incontinent. But Brazil was full of nuts because it was a colony of Portugal instead. The Amazon River is inhabited by piranhas, a fierce cavernous fish which eats cannibals. The Amazon River was named for the Amazons who were a tribe of man-eating women. Rio de Janeiro has a famous beach called Copenhagen.

Canada was discovered when French explorer Samuel de Complain found Quebec City on the Saint Laureate River. The French colonies grew and prospered until they suffered seizures and became British. After the American Revolution, Loyalists moved into Canada and became French again. The Domino of Canada was created in 1867. When the gold rush began at the Klondike River in 1898, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police were created to preserve odor. They made each miner carry 2 tons of supplies on his back because the Yukon Territory had no resources. The capital of Canada is Ontario. The capital of Ontario is Tornado.

Australia was discovered by Captain Hook. The land reminded him of England so he named it New South Wales. Australia was inhabited only by kangaroos, koalas and boomerangs. Tasmania was inhabited by devils. Kangaroos are marzipans and carry their babies in a papoose. Koalas live in calypso trees. Australia was penalised as a British colony because the settlers had strong convictions. Sydney Harbour was named because it harboured many criminals. Melbourne was a separate colony because they did not want convicts, but Melbourne had all the gold and so they got politicians instead. Darwin was named for Charles Darwin who invented the platypus. The capital of Australia is Conifer. Waltzing Matilda was a famous woman who danced across the Outback. She died.

Australia is in the Southern Hemisphere and so its seasonings are upside-down. When it is summer it is really winter and so people must wear coats even when it is hot. Water flows up out of drains in the Southern Hemisphere.

New Zealand is close to Australia, or Asia, or somewhere, and you can go over to it on a bridge. The original inhabitants of New Zealand were a tribe of Polyhedrons called Maoris. The largest city in New Zealand is Oxygen. The capital of New Zealand is Wellington, which was named for Duke Ellington.

Africa was called the Dark Continent because it was on the dark side of the Earth. In the north of Africa lived nomadic peoples called Bedpans who dwelt in Maracas. The Sahara Desert was named because people deserted it. South of the desert lived people called Nehrus who had a ritual dance called the Conga. Sir Richard Burton discovered the Vile River and later became a famous actor. South Africa was colonised by Dutch settlers who were known as the Boors. However the colonists did not like this name and called themselves Afrikaners instead. The Cecil Roads were highways to the diamond mines. The Afrikaners had a government called apartment which did not let the people live in houses.

Meanwhile in Europe, the Enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and wrote a book called _Candy_. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn when the apples are falling off the trees. Before gravity, the Earth rotated much more slowly.

Back was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present. Henry Purcell is a well-known composer few people have ever heard of. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest when everyone was calling for him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. Liszt became an abbey. Johannes Brahms wrote the Bronze Lullaby. Tchaikovsky died of cauliflower. Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America. Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

France was in a very serious state. The Queen of France was Marie Antony. She ate cake and doughnuts all the time. The people loved her because she was very beautiful and very obese, and she gave them cake. The King of France was Louis XYZ. But the people hated him because he was a very angry man who lost his head all the time. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Mayonnaise was the theme song of the French Revulsion and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish Gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children. Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of Waterlog and died in exile in Helena, Montana.

Many great inventions and ideas were discovered. Samuel Moose invented the telegraph, and later he invented the Remorse Code because he regretted it. The Marx Brothers wrote _Das Capital_ and _The Communist Infestation_. Sherlock Holmes invented the telephone and called "Watson, come here, I want you!" Henry Ford invented the infernal digestion engine. The Eyfful Tower was named because it was very large. Julio Macaroni invented the radio.

Adolf Hitler became Chancellor of Germany after President Hindenberg requested him to build a cabinet. Hindenberg exploded in New Jersey and later died from this. But Hitler was not really German because he was born just across the border in Australia. Hitler ruled Germany with secret police known as the Gaspacho. Hitler did not like his friends and so he started World War II. He lost. At first Hitler was successful when he defeated the Maginot Lion. However toward the end of the war Hitler was often bombed. He died of acute suicide.

The Twentieth Century was known as the Dawn of Man. In 1969 Buzz Armstrong was the first man on the Moon. He took a small step because it was a leap year. But he did not stay very long because the Moon has no atmosphere. Astronauts weigh less on the Moon because they are so far from Earth. The Moon rotates on its anxiety once per month.

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Whoops, did I type that out loud?