Posted on 03/24/2005 12:12:42 PM PST by TXBSAFH
EMPLOYER SPEAK:what it says/what it means...
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION You'll make under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY You'll make under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
AN UP-AND COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance we'll be the next Mircosoft.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN Once the higher-ups share it, there won't be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
SALES POSTITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER We're not going to supply leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
SELF-MOTIVATED Management won't answer questions.
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $50 co-pay.
PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS After three years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k). If you behave, we'll give a 3 percent matching contribution.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE ... who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE We don't pay enough for you to dress well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT We have a high staff turnover.
EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and weekends on yachts.
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT Your co-workers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.
A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT We booze it up at company parties.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED Some time each night and some time each weekend.
SALARY RANGE $24K-$32K We'll offer you $22K to start.
A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
FLEXIBLE HOURS Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
DUTIES WILL VARY Anyone in the office can boss you around.
WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED Those who missed the last round of lay-offs, that is.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Religion.
CAREER-MINDED Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON If you're old or ugly, you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE We've filled the job; our call for resumés is a formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS Management communicates; you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD You whine, you're fired.
ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY We loooooove brown nosers.
WOW thanks for the Breaking News...!
Reminds me of The Office.
Forget about a TV show. This describes a company I used to work for to a T. EDS. Simply the worst, most mismanaged tech company out there, in my opinion and personal experience.
look at me! I'm "breaking news"!
Thanks for sompin different
Thanks! Even the toons were depressing today. It got so bad I had to post a story with Moose in the title just to see if I could get some lighter comments. The story itself is kind of mundane, but I like the title:
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1369952/posts
ping
Its been a dark day and I am trying to lighten it up.
Thanks for lightening my day... Hmm. Every one of those is correct, sad to say.
I have worked under these conditions, I even occasionally dream about it. Then wake up screaming.
WE VALUE A DIVERSE WORKFORCE: every lazy slob darker than your lily-white ass will be promoted before you
Some even wear Miller-Lite t-shirts! Yes, I've seen it.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers
and learn this newly installed software by yourself.
Yeah! I'm sure glad this isn't personal, or an unannounced vanity or anything. ;-)
MUST BE A TEAM PLAYER == able to CYA and lie through your teeth to subordinates and higher management without implicating your peers or immediate supervisor.
I had this one job where the manager took there herbal subliments (Legal Speed). Try having an ***hole manager on crack for 60 hours aweek.
So true.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED Some time each night and some time each weekend.
_______________________________________________________
Bill Lumbergh: " Hello Peter. What's happening? Um, I'm gonna need you go ahead and come in tomorrow. So if you could be here around nine, that would be great.
Oh, oh, yea…I forgot. I'm gonna also need you to come in Sunday too. We, uh, lost some people this week and we need to sorta catch up. Thaaankss."
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