Posted on 06/13/2005 1:32:28 PM PDT by Squawk 8888
DISCLAIMER: You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT...
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a licence to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a licence to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later...)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".
Because we've all had to deal with it...
A "who's on first?" ping.
Wow!!! Three posts to turn a joke into a MacWinLinux war. Is this a new record?
I feel your pain. My job includes replacing computers for my staff. I typically have to go through it once every couple of months. And they all wonder why, when I'm an IT guy who sets the budget and has full purchasing authority, I always seem to be the one who never gets his computer replaced...
Oh...and all systems have their purposes. I won't complain about anyone else for using any of them and will write software for any of them in the near future.
If you want on or off the Mac Ping List, Freepmail me.
I know that a DOS window is fine when the program is text only but DOS graphics in a window are usually pretty dicey. Have you tried using alt-enter to switch between a full screen and a window? Sometimes full-screen is the only way to handle it.
My sentiments exactly. I never understood why some could turn software into a religion. It's just a f****** tool, nothing more, and most people in IT know that it's just a tool.
Yup. Makes no difference. I've tried every variation in the "Properties" section of the dos window shortcut. Nothing. I've REMed out the extra memory stuff in the config.nt file. Nothing. I'll just give it up.
Maybe you don't have the right fonts installed. When a font the program wants is missing, most programs will just grab another one, with sometimes disasterous results.
Interesting. I hadn't considered that. I'll look into it in the morning. Thanks.
I'm afraid you've got me stumped, because that's worked for Win98 but I've never tried it with NT (XP is just a revision of NT). If I ever stumble across an old graphical DOS program I'll hack and FReepmail if I learn anything but right now it sounds like the best thing to do is get a new program that does the same things Quattro did for you. There's lots of inexpensive stuff out there that will do the job for you, but the only one I would be comfortable recommending would be Microsoft Works because it's the only one of the low-cost packages that I've actually used myself.
OK, I finally got your joke. Serves me right for being the only male in North America who is not a Three Stooges fan.
Ah, that's alright. ...sorry I didn't make that clear enough. It was also a joke on the comment in the post about older folks...like me. But some of us are nerds forever.
;-)
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