Is Living Together Before Marriage Totally Accptable? ...Freeper Insight Needed

7.31.05 | mlmr

[SpringheelJack]

The divorce rate shows that people who live together before marriage have significantly higher divorce rates than those who do not live together.

Every demographic has a high divorce rate. My parents never divorced, because they were that conservative, but after getting to know each other they found out they hated each other. I want to do what I can to avoid that situation. I don't think any group, religious conservatives included, has solved marriage. I wish everyone luck in trying.

[Hildy]

Because people live together does not mean they are bad people. This is 2005, these are people now, of age, who don't even remember a time that living together outside of marriage was frowned upon. But if it's important to you, than hold out. I'm sure a married couple will come along that fits your bill. But I don't know why you think they'll be any better of a tenant. It's all a crapshoot anyway.

[DefiantZERO]

Could you rephrase this so it makes sense: "How venerable is the tradition of a couple who want to marry just give it a go to see if they like it?"

Cause I didn't get it.

I don't understand why people are so violently opposed to learning about a person before you commit your life to them. And yes, there *are* things you can only learn from living with someone instead of just seeing them on the evenings and weekends for dates.

[the invisib1e hand]

try pricing it so that one person can afford it on the average salary for your area.

now you're getting the idea.

[mlmr]

You act like women should be offended that men want to "date" them first as opposed to getting a look at them in a coffee shop and proposing marriage.


Actually I think courtship is a better model and is the one I am teaching my daughters and son. Much more realistic model than playing house OR dating.

[Hildy]

I'm a married woman in my 40's. And you know what? I don't blame you. I don't know why any man who has accumulated things over his career that would want to get married today without an ironclad prenuptual agreement. It's just sad.

[DefiantZERO]

Explain your idea of courtship if it doesn't involve "dating" a person?

[mlmr]

My parents never divorced, because they were that conservative, but after getting to know each other they found out they hated each other.

Many people have found a solutiion for your parents problem. It is called putting each other first and learning to love each other which is a choice. I am sorry that your folks did not follow the first dictum of childrearing: the best thing your can do for your child is love your spouse.

[don-o]

"What?! You want to DATE me first and not just ask to marry me? WHAT kind of test is this you pig??? You dont already know we are perfect togethor and its fate?"

Please be clear -in your lexicon does "date" = "intimate marital relations?"

Please point me to a society in which this behavior was the norm. Save you some trouble. There is none. It is a symptom of the rot that defines us at the current time.

[SpringheelJack]

BIG difference between living together and being married. Living together is like being on a loooooog date. Being married is about knowing there is commitment and forever.

I agree with that. Having children, merging your finances, etc., can potentially change a lot. I'm just saying that if you can know just a little bit more about the person before you fully commit yourself, the both of you are that much better off.

[mlmr]

But I don't know why you think they'll be any better of a tenant. It's all a crapshoot anyway.



It is not about being better tenants, it is about the moral atmostphere I want to expose to the children. Kids follow what they are taught.

BTW married couples do make better tenants because they dont break apart as frequently as those who play house.

[Hildy]

Actually I think courtship is a better model and is the one I am teaching my daughters and son. Much more realistic model than playing house OR dating.

You are kidding, right? Unless you're Amish, I think you're really over the top.

[DefiantZERO]

Okay, I respect your personal beliefs, but that's just a load of propoganda. You can't just "choose" to love anyone, people's personalities are different and there are varying levels of compatitibility. You really believe that anyone can love any other person just by saying "Well this is what I was dealt, better do what I can with it"?

That's a surefire route to misery.

[Hildy]

It is not about being better tenants, it is about the moral atmostphere I want to expose to the children.

Well, that's different. So you asked this question here on this board as a rhetorical question, right? You certainly don't seem to want to hear any other viewpoint than your own, so ... good luck!

[mlmr]

One person can afford it, but finding a single person who wont have overnight guests is a crapshoot.

Very reasonably priced with heat electricity, hot water, plowed parking, and cable modem wifi hookup included.

[Jeff Gordon]

In my state one can be much more fussy when renting to people in apartments attached to one's home.

It is nice to know that there still exists states that respect the rights of their property owners.

[don-o]

Could you rephrase this so it makes sense: "How venerable is the tradition of a couple who want to marry just give it a go to see if they like it?"

How about this?

Name me a society where the norm that young people, as a matter of course, set up housekeeping - cohabited - had sexual relations - worked on finances - examined each others' habit and quirks....to see if they wanted to make it "legal."

Name one.

Is that better?

[HairOfTheDog]

OK - I've now read through most of your thread.

If I were renting a place big enough for two, I suppose I'd prefer they be married, or at least engaged. I don't have as much of a hangup about the morality of it, but the length and commitment of their relationship will tell you something about whether they're going to be unstable and perhaps moving out soon, making you do this again in six months.

But... from a wider perspective, my husband and I lived together before marriage and it didn't make us either less serious or more likely to be bad tenants or skip out on the rent. It made sense to us. We met here on FR... he lived in Minn... I live in WA. After a one week visit he decided to quit his job, pack what he could, and move here. Long distance relationships tend to speed up the relationship and long courtship is not practical ;~D

For him to set up a separate household in that circumstance for what we hoped was a few months before marriage was an expensive proposition that only added a formality we didn't feel we needed. We were both over thirty, we weren't kids... We knew this was ~it~, that we would be in it for life. His family wasn't happy about him shacking up, but mine was... mine understood that we needed time for the excitement of all the newness to wear off and for us to ~really~ get to know each other before involving the lawyers. Actually it was his family who delayed the wedding wanting us to wait several months until they could make the travel arrangements work to get here, with school and such. ;~D

[eastforker]

1st step , dating:Infatuation

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2nd step , engagement: Infatuation

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3rd step , marriage: still infatuated

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4th step , all about me syndrome: still attracted but now looking at others.

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5th step , my way or the hiway: you will do as I say and like it.

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6th step , sharing: It's your turn to take out the garbage/do laundry/housework, etc.

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7th step, being sorry: I am so sorry I was such an AH, Please forgive me.

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Eight and nine is turning point.

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8th step, making decisions: You damn right you better be sorry or I am leaving , don't you ever do that again or I am out of here. or

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9th step, making decisions: I am sorry too honey, lets never argue again.

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By this time it is time to take the final 10th step, decision making: either never argue again or apologize and argue the rest of your lives.

[lawgirl]

Sorry you are so bitter. I am a 30 year old conservative female lawyer who was married to a man a year younger who told her that she kept trying to mother him (actually i just wanted him to pick up his own underwear off the floor...) and he left me for a 42 year old mother of two.

We're not all feminazis. I'd love to find a man who loved me and that I respected. But all that's out there are men that want a quick lay with no commitment and sadly enough there is plenty of that being around.

I'd never live with a man before I married him, because I wouldnt' sleep with him. Try to a man to keep dating you after finding that out.