Posted on 08/23/2005 5:41:39 PM PDT by Vor Lady
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water'. The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'.
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell messsage after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth into Joy".
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deteriortation of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM-prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
I thought you would enjoy these! We were cracking up all over the kitchen floor!
I was told to go to a Paranoids Anonymous meeting but they couldn't tell me where it was.
I love paranoids! Just because you think they are out to get you doesn't mean that they aren't!
Funny!
In recognition of their graduation, the senior high youth will be breaking the bed at next week's communion.
One I heard years ago, though I think it must have been a joke; in the church bulletin was the following correction : Correction: Last week's bulletin should have read that there would be a Taffy Pull at Saint Peter's.
LOL! I heard that as a joke about a priest in his first church service, handling his jittery nerves with sips of communion wine beforehand.
What I like are the things that the little children say. One of my favorites was from a book by Art Linkletter. The Sunday School teacher was telling about Sodom and Gomorrah, and how the Lord told Lot to take his wife and flee from the city. After she finished the story, one child raised their hand and said "but what happened to the flea?"
Like his bit about 'talkers anonymous', called OnAndOnAnon...
o.O Wha..??
Maybe I'm the only one that doesn't get that
I think it's supposed to be say "hello" to someone that doesn't care much about you.
Ooooh. That makes sense. I'm unusually dense today.
If you read it slowly there are a couple of funnies in there. For example ...the many who are sick OF our community...
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
LOLOLOLO! It's almost like they were saying the ladies should sell their husbands at the rummage sale! LOL! These just crack me up!!!!!!!
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