Essay Required: Why America Sucks

My Neighbor | Today | Me

[4U2OUI]

Hello, FRiends.

My neighbor's daughter, a junior in high school, told me she is required to write a 1000 word essay on "why America sucks". Her teacher quotes from Zinn, and pretends to be "open-minded".

I recommended she read Swifts, "A Modest Proposal", which she had never heard of, as a guide for crafting a satirical answer to an asinine assignment.

ANY help/insight/wisdom in this matter will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

The other David in Eugene.

[demlosers]

Here's an idea. You could suggest to your neighbor to contact Sean Hannity. Hannity loves to expose these leftist American haters on his show.

[tiki]

Let's see.... She could point out how the government should own all the wealth producing companies and all the oil companies and they could make sure that there were no rich people. Everyone could be on the same economic level except the Politburo. If there were only 2 or 3 government papers the truth as the government would like it to be could be the only "truth" out there and they could name the main newspaper "Truth" Just like the USSR before the tragic break up.

Or that if we could just be like France you could have a job whether you were qualified or not and since jobs are hard to come by you could live on "the dole" for most of your life.

Better yet, we could be like Mexico where the ruling class stays rich and the rest of the people live in abject poverty. The poor only get public education to the 6th grade, thereby assuring that the rich have a large supply of peasants to do the work for a pittance.

Since we are overpopulating the world we could be like China and make sure that families only have one child with forced abortions for those who disobey.

America sucks because we're free to be anything we want to be. We're free to work hard and if we're smart and play our cards right we're free to get filthy rich. We're also free to squander our talents. It sucks that there are no guarantees that we will succeed even if we work hard but that's better than Mexico where even with hard work you will never get ahead.

[Quix]

Twas my thought immediately on reading your headline--to write a satire . . . something about such as . . .

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WARNING, NOTICE--THIS IS !!!!!SATIRE!!!!!

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THESE ARE !!!!!!!NOT!!!!!!! MY CONVICTIONS!!!!!

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--too much freedom remains in spite of Shrillery's valliant efforts to remove freedom from our shores.

--That allows too many people to hold on to too much of their money when the FEDS should be taking more of it to give to illegal invaders--errr--legally challenged pseudo-citizens . . . errr . . . whatever they're called.

--That one of the silly sucky freedoms is this voting madness. Everyone ought to know that Mother Super-Superior bw*tch Shrillery knows best and just accept her edicts on who should rule under her.

--That another silly sucky freedom is all this nonsense about having children--there should be more infanticide so that Shrillery doesn't have to bother ruling over so many idiot patriots who are so stupid as to really care about their country and it's Constitution.

--and the CDC is just a waste of tax money. Let diseases and Ebola and plague etc. spread extensively and rapidly. All the better for the ecology to get rid of more useless eaters.

--There's also far too much sucky freedom of the press--even for the idiot-liberal psychophants. Only one channel in each medium is sufficient to convey the paragraph or two a day that Shrillery's wisdom might allow the citizens to marvel over.

--There's also far too much sucky freedom at the end of life. Shrillery's wisdom needs to decree more openly that useless eaters such as Alzheimer's victims, quadraplegics, serious accident victims; repeat drunk driving criminals who are not Senators; heterosexuals of low IQ past the age of 30; and a long list of other undesirables should be 'graduated from this life' errr, Fosterized to make room for healthier people and decrease the burden on the earth's ecology.

--That given the clear evidence of insanity on the part of counties voting for Bush in the last election, bubonic plague bio-engineered combined with Ebola and AIDS must be loosed in such counties to again decrease the threat to the ecology and the food chain.

--That given Billdo's escapades and Shrillery's preferences and "needs," the sucky bother that even the liberal idiot press might blow news of her lesbo orgies far and wide, such escapades will be off limits to any media under threat of execution for all involved.

--That the sucky music "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" is not sufficiently worshipful. It must be replaced by "QUAKE AND GROVEL BEFORE THE QUEEN" written under commission by Sting or some such.

--That America alone is tooo sucky small a place to give The Queen sufficient kowtowing worshippers. Therefore, all borders between America, Canada, Mexico and all Central American entry/exit formalities must be abolished until sufficiently adoring masses are thronged around her Queenship at suitably scheduled times and sufficiently hygenic distances.

--That it's a terribly sucky fact that far too many folks who know far too much about Billdo and Shrillery are still running around loose. Therefore a special division of the FBI must be established to search out all such and forcefully enlist them in a new research study to see how rapidly various Weapons of Mass Destruction bioweapons can kill the obvious idiots--freeing up more food and ecology for the true worshippers of Her Queenship.

--That the march into the global government is entirely too sucky slow for Her Queenship's comfort. Therefore, all Conservatives, Evangelical Christians and anyone else too slow to kowtow should be rounded up, herded into nearby boxcanyons and massively exterminated with whatever experimental weapons would be the cruelest and most fun. Insure DVD's of such events are always handy for Her Queenship's amusement.

--Given the possibility that even those brilliant enough citizens warranting being allowed to live might become somehow brain-damaged in some stupid war with the rest of the idiot world, no expense should be spared insuring that HER QUEENSHIP has a very redundantly viable safe haven created on Mars. There should be an abundance of shapely babes for her 'recreation.' And, perhaps a stud or two in order to insure a never ending supply of new babes. And, of course, plenty of cloning technology to insure body replacement parts.

. . .
/satire

[4U2OUI]

You sound like me.

Keep it up, and thank you.

[Quix]

Love it!

[Quix]

For sure!

[Quix]

Here's an idea. You could suggest to your neighbor to contact Sean Hannity. Hannity loves to expose these leftist American haters on his show.

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I agree!

[Old_Mil]

The idea to read Swift's book and write a satircal piece is a good idea.

A better idea is to hire a great lawyer and sue the school district for several million dollars. Think of it as liberating educational tax dollars from liberal oppression while simultaneously providing your daughter with a college and retirement fund.

[Eastbound]

Tell her that sucking sound she hears is a slave capturing device comprised of 1,000,000 giant Hoover Vaccuum cleaners positioned on our southern border.

The bags are emptied in our lettuce fields and landscapes across America. Many are emptied on the kitchen floor of fast-food joints, factories (what few are left here), gas stations, street corners, and anywhere else in the country to do the jobs that millions and millions and millions and millions of Americans just won't do anymore, now that we all are independently wealthy. :<

I mean, what else could we do? How can one live fashionably if you have to clean your own toilet? And besides, the stench from the fields of rotting lettuce wafting across the nation was enough to gag a maggot and was making it nigh impossible to enjoy a nice Sunday BBQ out on the patio.

And, Hey! Those golf courses would be over-run with those furry little creatures popping up all over the place stealing golf balls if it weren't for Hoover.

So let's here it for Hoover -- the suckingest machine ever made. Hip, Hip, Hoorah!

/whatever

[Quix]

I think the teacher and school should be sued, too. I hate suits but this is warranted. Hideous.

What's the conservative org which sometimes supports such suits?

[I got the rope]

Well...I'm sitting here trying to think of the etymology of the word "suck" really means.

I believe it is a vulgar expression.

I would have this teacher thrown off campus.

[Quix]

but in this teacher's case, one reason America sucks is because we don't execute teachers who are morons.

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INDEED!

[Naptowne]

Tell her to right a paper with a thesis that America sucks because we have a lousy education system more concerned with teaching white, heterosexual males why they should feel guilty for things that they and their relatives never did rather than teaching them basic math, science, English, and history.

[nickcarraway]

You are very wise.

[HungarianGypsy]

Why does America of today suck? Because a lot of people have become a bunch of whiners. People who fifty or sixty years ago talked about saving for the future are now saying, "Give me government funded health care. Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!" Now, this isn't everyone, but it is a loud portion. So the government listens to them.

Why does America of today suck? Instead of taking responsibilty, these same loud people point at others and each other yelling, "He did it!" So, we end up with more stupid laws.

Some people are more worried about a plant, than about an unborn child. More worried about hurting someone's feelings, than protecting themselves. More worried about what the world thinks, than what it means to be an American. It's the people who would rather cower in fear, rather than stand up for what America is about that make any of it suck.


But, it's late and I went on a tangent, lost my train of thought, and realized I needed to delete half of it and chug back here.

[Quix]

Well put! Indeed. Clever!

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Tell her to right a paper with a thesis that America sucks because we have a lousy education system more concerned with teaching white, heterosexual males why they should feel guilty for things that they and their relatives never did rather than teaching them basic math, science, English, and history

[MadIvan]

I would write a sarcastic essay which basically says the reason that America "sucks", per se, is because of people who say it sucks - namely, socialists and traitors.

Regards, Ivan

[Eastbound]

"I believe it is a vulgar expression."

I think you're right. I was going to address that point as well, but opted for something else in my Hoover post above.

[I got the rope]

Hey keep going.

America sucks because liberals (Democrats) are cowards. They will never admit that there is evil in the world, because if they did they would have to do something about it.

America sucks because liberals (Democrats) would rather fulfill their sexual desires than take care of an unborn baby.

[Naptowne]

I know from first-hand experience. I am relatively young and went to school in the modern PC era. I would never argue that our nation has never made any mistakes in the past, but something is seriously wrong when children learn more about the guy who invented peanut butter than the guy who wrote the constitution, and this is not an exagerration or hyperbole. I cannot recall learning very much if anything about Madison and Jefferson in my public education.