Posted on 07/25/2007 3:35:03 PM PDT by Sonora
OK, who’s there?
Great stuff! Thanks. I’d not been to the Utilikilt site in a while.
bump for later
That ain’t funny, Jack! ;^)
A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.
The cucumber said: ‘Man, my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad’.
So the pickle looks at him and says: ‘You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar’.
The penis glared at them both and said: ‘You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until i throw up and pass out’.”
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Two elderly ladies were driving along. Both were so short they could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The light was red but they cruised on through.
The lady in the passenger seat thought to herself, I must be losing it, I could have sworn we went thru a red light.
They came to another light, again it was red and they went right on thru.
This time the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red. She decided to pay close attention at the next intersection.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they just blew right on thru.
She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, Did you know we just ran thru three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”
“Oh, am I driving?”
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a
question if they aren’t
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern
small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, woman to the
stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know
me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I’ve known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a
big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think
you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to
realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across
the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the
defense attorney? “ She
again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley
since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He
can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his
law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention
he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your
wife. Yes, I know
him.”
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both
counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
“If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I’ll send you to the
electric chair.”
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him - - - give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea"
The Funeral:
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when
he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single
file.
The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I
know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral
like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My wife’s.”
“What happened to her?”
The man replied, “My dog attacked and killed her.”
He inquired further, “But, who is in the second hearse?”
The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
wife when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
men.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line.”
______
CANNIBAL RESTAURANT
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a
restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Grilled Republican: $20.00
Baked Democrat: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, ‘Why such a price difference for the Democrat?’
The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of ****, it takes all morning.”
Some oldies, some newer ones, most pretty good:
Sensible Observations
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather—who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
—Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
“Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”
—Author Unknown
3) “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so?
There’s a support group for that.
It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
—Drew Carey
4) “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house.”
—Jeff Foxworthy
5) “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the
infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
—Dave Barry
6) “Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp.”
—Bob Ettinger
7) “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”
—Paula Poundstone
8) “A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: “Duh.”
—Conan O’Brien
9) “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner.”
—Lynda Montgomery
10) “I think that’s how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough.
Let’s go west.’”
—Richard Jeni
11) “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.”
—Johnny Carson
12) “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
—Paul Rodriguez
13) “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida ,
but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”
—Jerry Seinfeld
14) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?”
—Warren Hutcherson
15) “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.”
—Oscar Wilde
16) “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.”
—Mark Twain
17) “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan .”
—A. Whitney Brown
18) “You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says,
‘My God, you’re right!
I never would’ve thought of that!’”
—Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it “PMS”?
Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
— Unknown, presumed deceased
20) “Everybody’s got to believe in something.
I believe I’ll have another beer.”
- W. C. Fields
21) If you are not living on the edge, you are taking up too much room”
-Jayne Howard
22) “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them”
-Phyllis Diller
23) “I’m thinking of becoming my own boss. I have a pretty good chance of getting the job because I’m already sleeping with me!”
-Joy Gohring
And lastly: Why in [censored] should I have to Press 1 for English?
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro.
The doctor said, “Ma’am, have you ever slept with a black man?” She said, “Well, yes, but only once.” “Once is all it takes” he replied.
Then the torso came out and it was yellow. “Ma’am, have you ever slept with an oriental man?” the doctor asked. “Well, yes” she said, “but only once.” “Once is all it takes,” he said.
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian and she said only once and he replied that that was all it took. Well, he pulled the kid out and held it upside down and slapped it’s bottom to make it cry.
“Oh, thank God,” she exclaimed “at least it doesn’t bark!”
Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, “My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.”
Another guy says, “What’s that?”
The first guy says, “That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.”
Another one says, “My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, “What’s that?”
He says, “That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.”
A lady says, “That’s nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.”
Larry says, “A WIFE? What’s a WIFE?” She says,
“That means, “Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc.”
I’m only to #83 ... have to rest now ... sides will be sore tomorrow, but I’m comin’ back for more when the tears stop.
You got that right. DFW is the craziest place I have ever seen. I flew a puddle-jumper from Midland to DFW once. As it taxied to the terminal, the plane (traveling perpendicular to the runways) had to stop at each runway and wait for a jet to go by before crossing. I’d prefer I-285 any day.
I miss the Tenth St. off-ramp. I’ll never understand how they could close that down at the same time four new office towers were built.
I never thought of it like that. You're right, they cause more people to gravitate there and closed down the best way to get there!
A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?”
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, “All I want out of life is four little animals.”
The teacher asked, “Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?”
The little girl said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and of course, I’ll need a jackass to pay for all of it.”
The teacher fainted.
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