Posted on 02/25/2008 8:57:10 AM PST by qam1
At lunch recently, a father of four who works in publishing told me he occasionally gives his children "a clip around the ear".
The threat of minor violence, he said, was the fastest way to get his brood into the people carrier if they were all to get out of the house on time. It wasn't so much the fact that this otherwise modern thirtysomething father would slap his children that shocked me, but the fact that he spoke about it so openly. A decade ago, he might have been worried that I'd call social services - or at least recommend an anger management course.
In the 21st century, however, discipline is in. Thanks in part to the rise of television programmes about parenting, such as Supernanny and House of Tiny Tearaways, naughty steps, finishing what's on your plate and strict bedtime routines are back in vogue.
And this week the Sentencing Guidelines Council, which sets down rules for Britain's magistrates and judges, called for leniency in sentencing parents who are brought to court for smacking their children - a sea change in attitudes from just four years ago, when the right to a defence of "reasonable chastisement" was removed under the Children Act.
As a mother of two, I know how testing small children can be. The closest I came to lashing out was when one of mine almost ran into a busy road. I stopped her just in time, but I was so lost for words, so horrified at what might have happened that a smack felt almost natural - the only language either of us might have understood. Although I stopped myself before the message transmitted from brain to back of hand, because I feel slapping is a lazy form of discipline, I couldn't promise I would never lash out. So when friends confess, as many have, that they have hit their children, I find it impossible to be too judgmental.
My generation grew up in a culture in which smacking children was commonplace. Talking to friends, it is clear that they all remember, in vivid detail, when they were smacked. My primary school in the 1970s offered the slipper - in front of the school - or the cane for the very naughty.
Now those days are back - for some families, at least. Smacking is no longer taboo. Recently, on mumsnet.com, the popular parenting website, whether or not to smack your child was the hottest of topics. "I don't, because I don't like it or find it a necessary way to discipline my children," said one mother. "But others find it effective and don't have a problem with it."
Said another: "I have smacked my son twice and he is four. Both times it was for something quite serious. I have threatened a smack when I have been tired or ill, but not followed through."
Another mother said: "I smacked my seven-year-old disabled child when he was trying to gouge out his father's eyes, quite deliberately. My husband was strapping him into the car and couldn't defend himself. Violence with violence. Not great. But I did it."
Justine Roberts, co-founder of the site, says women are becoming more open about their anger towards their children: "A few people are saying [smacking] is a strategy for managing their children and it's the only effective one they've found. But most admit they've done it once or twice in anger but feel awful about it. There's a huge amount of sympathy for parents who are being pushed to the limit."
None of my friends needed any persuasion to off-load a little guilt about parental crimes. One, a 37-year-old marketing director, said: "It was three years ago when my daughter was two and I have never, ever forgotten it.
"We were with my husband's family and we'd had a taxing day on the beach. My daughter was hot and sandy and exhausted and so was I. I was trying to change her nappy and she just would not stop wriggling. Suddenly I lashed out and whacked her on the leg. She was stunned and just froze. She stared at me and all I could see was that she had been humiliated and betrayed. I felt sick and then cuddled her and said sorry. I'm ashamed to admit that I said: 'Please don't tell Daddy'."
Another, a 40-year-old novelist, told me: "One afternoon after school I held on to my 10-year-old and just shook him. I felt very stressed about work and my relationship, and he had broken an expensive toy. I felt terrible afterwards, apologised and promised to myself never to do it again. I think it's really bad parenting to hit children."
Children can't defend
While some parents may be more relaxed about corporal punishment, Elizabeth Hartley Brewer, an expert in child development and parenting, believes that such attitudes must be resisted. "Children can't defend themselves verbally or physically," she says.
"Psychologically, smacking can do them enormous harm. And it's a lazy way to look after children. Physical punishment can delay and confuse moral development and does nothing to preserve their self-respect. When I've talked to children who've been hit, every one of them can remember when it happened. When my daughter was about two, I lashed out about something and I regret it enormously. She was totally let down by me and burst into tears."
Those who have never lost their cool and hit out should not be feeling smug, however. There are, Hartley Brewer admits, worse forms of punishment for children. "Some of those horrible TV programmes have made people proud of disciplining their children, regardless of how they do it," she says. "I've met people who don't hit but think it's perfectly OK to make their child wash their mouth out with soap or even eat their lunch naked as a punishment. As for the naughty step, that can be just as damaging as a smack if it is used to humiliate a child."
Imperial Leather for supper hardly counts as "reasonable chastisement". Perhaps if modern mothers knew more about such extreme parenting styles, we'd stop beating ourselves up about the occasional outburst.
I do believe I have seen that too.
I just love Z’s...
:>)
“when capital punishment is going to be laid down”.
Wow! You’re really strict.
So would I, I just found it out there in internetland.
From the look of it, I think the puncher is the mother of the fat chick. I don't know who the other lady is or why she gets punched.
My favorite part is how the daughter steps aside to let her mother in, then casually turns and starts walking, like her mother does this all the time!
Dr. Spock disavowed his own writings and theories ages ago... and still idiots buy and follow his trype.
Poor guys own kid committed suicide.
Anyone buying and reading his old books should have their children removed from them immediately.
haha corporal... sorry.. hahaa
Hand smacking is also fine in the right context but people should also consider that hitting as a way of getting kids to behave can easily be adopted by the kids who want smaller kids to do what they wish.
My mom used to use the belt when she administered corporal discipline. We were all sure that she would do it if she threatened, since we all thought her sanity hung by a thread anyway (six kids, all a year apart, father at sea for eight months at a time)
My father, when forced to discipline us by our mother (”Go to your room...you father will deal with you when he gets home...”) would use psychological warfare on us.
We could hear him come home...the adult voices talking downstairs, then...the long, slow footfalls up the stairs accompanied by the noisy unbuckling of the belt and the slooshing sound of it being withdrawn from the belt loops.
Then, for added effect, he would double the belt on itself and snap it. He would do this two or three times, it would emit a loud snap, unlike that of either a belt hitting flesh, or a hangman’s trapdoor slamming open.
He would come in, lecture us in a deep,threatening voice about the transgression, all the while advancing towards with the belt.
He would usually take about four or five swings as you squirmed around, mostly landing glancing blows. Rarely did he make real stinging contact. My mother was much more accurate and painful. She was very quick to anger, but very quick to cool as well.
But we feared my dad the most. It was not The Belt we feared, it was The Ring. He saved the ring for those times when the punishment was on the fly...when the transgression occured under his watch, usually after repeated warnings.
He would advance closely...speaking low and threateningly, sometimes with his hand pulled back as if he was going to backhand you, which he never did.
The discipline would go something like this...
DAD: “What did I tell you about hitting your sister...?” (advances slowly)
ME: “T..to not to...” (backing slowly)
DAD: “Did you hear what I told you, you dumb bunny...?) (Hand is now raised slightly facing you...clearly visible is the back of his hand and...the red stone on his Holy Cross Class Ring that he got when he graduated from his V12 program as a young ensign in the spring of 1945. That was The Ring.)
(Additional note: My dad very, VERY rarely swore at us...we laugh at the “Dumb Bunny” thing and we don’t understand it and it seems hilarious now, but...faced with the ring, it sounded like the Declaration of Doom.)
ME: “Yes...yes...”
DAD: “Yes WHAT?”
ME: “Yes SIR.”
DAD: “When I tell you what to do, you LISTEN to me.”
This was followed by two or three ineffectual and easily dodged cuffs by him that completely missed the mark. Then he would stand off to the side and allow you to pass while he stood still.
It was at this point when danger was highest. There was nothing you could do but walk by and not look back. You knew it was coming. Sometimes he didn’t do it, just to throw you off. But usually he got you with The Ring.
As you walked by and exposed the back of your head, he would whip out his hand in a light backhand motion and ping you on the back of the skull with the stone of that ring...and sometimes it really smarted.
My dad was a gentle man, and I know he loved us dearly. We were all petrified of him, of disappointing him or crossing him was something we all avoided at all costs. He was all bluster...we looked at my mom out of the corners of our eyes when she was on the warpath, but...we knew he would never deliberately hurt us. He just wanted to scare us.
When my dad passed away, I had custody of the ring. When we went down to Arlington National Cemetery to bury him, I wore that ring, just that once. In my grief, it must have slipped off of my finger. I lost it and never found it. I searched my house and belongings for a year, but never found it. I suppose someone down in Arlington will find a Holy Cross class ring with a red stone someday, and they will wonder about the man who wore it.
If I could have one thing, out of all the things that I have that were his, I wish I had not lost his ring.
Is it wrong that your first line is what came to mind when I saw the headline too?
(six kids, all a year apart, father at sea for eight months at a time)
Kudos to your mom—it’s a wonder any of you survived to adulthood, or failing that, that she didn’t kill your dad! LOL
Sorry about your dad’s ring.
What do the imams say? Can you smack your kids under Sharia?
As the WSJ says - what would we do without experts?
It's not a boxing match, Liz. The whole point is to deliver authority and negative reinforcement (yes it works just ask BF Skinner) in a direct, non-verbal way.
99% of the kids I have known were hit a grand total of ONCE in their lives - the prospect of getting more kept them in line for many years to come.
That’s beautiful. Just hope the woman in red deserved it.
Now that we are grown, we have a huge amount of respect for our parents, especially my mom. We all wonder how someone does that.
My mom always did say she never had a problem taking us out in public anywhere and that we were well behaved.
Of course, I do remember her admonition when she left us all in the car to go into a store...”if I hear that horn, you are going to wish you didn’t have hands to touch it with!”
Now, she could have meant anything by that, but in the dark recesses of our brains, I suspect we all thought it meant we better be prepared to have a hook for a hand!
The big difference is what is motivating the spanking. If you do it because you are mad then it’s probably not appropriate AT THAT TIME, but calmly spanking for serious offenses, especially if the kid knows a spanking will be earned from such behaviour can be a great motivator to avoid that behaviour in the future. Especially if this is followed up with a good talk about the offense and punishment.
My son will actually feel better after a spanking and our conversation afterwards, I let him know I love him, I hate to spank and would rather not but if he deserves it (and he knows if he does) then he respects my instruction and is motivated to not behave poorly in that particular manner again.
A talk, spanking, hug & kiss, follow up talk is a good formula for some kids. Sometimes nothing else can shock them out of a bad attitude into a more receptive mindset.
As a parent I definitely now know what it means when Daddy says “this will hurt me more than it will hurt you.” If that isn’t true then you might want to wait and cool down before you use physical punishment.
NEVER EVER threaten a spanking and fail to follow through though. You’ll lose all credibility with the kid and the threat will be ineffective from then on.
I didn't notice that before...LOL. The nonchalance of a mob hit,"It's just business" attitude.
Oh my gosh! You brought tears to my eyes reading about your father and that ring. Bless your heart!
I’ve found that when my kids start getting into trouble they have too much time on their hands. That is when my house gets really clean! They wash windows, blinds, baseboards, etc. They also write sentences about the offense. My kids really hate to write! With those two things plus the removal of every toy in their room I don’t have to use spanking very often. Like others have said, usually the threat alone is enough to make them shape up!
when she left us all in the car to go into a store
Too funny! I remember that! You’d get locked up now for leaving your kids, or at least your dogs, in the car. I only had 3 kids, and I did that to them a time or two. Mom had five. Can you imagine trying to get 5 out of their car seats and into the store, then reverse that?! Mom probably hoped someone would take us! Course, we were rolling around like puppies in the back of the station wagon, no seat belts, much less car seats! Probably had the back window down too.
My daughter wassn’t an angel by any means, but usually a harsh word would straighten her out. My boys...they needed a little more of an attention grabber. LOL
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