GET OFF YOUR KNEES.
Just a suggestion.
Posted on 11/05/2008 7:32:29 PM PST by According2RecentPollsAirIsGood
First of all, please forgive yet another vanity in a time when there isn't a bonfire big enough to consume all the ones so far.
I consider the people here on FreeRepublic to be some of the most intelligent and also just downright decent people I know. Thus I feel I can trust your thoughtful opinions on most things. I'm still kind of young (24), and there's a lot I don't know about life. Right now, I need some relationship advice.
I have a girlfriend right now who I deeply love. We met online through another message board, and have known each other for several years as friends. A little less than a year ago, I met her for the first time in person (she lives in upstate NY, I'm in Texas) as a friend, we kind of hit it off after that, met up again later in June, and became an official couple. Things have been going extremely well so far, we see each other a lot, and we both very much love each other. I've even thought about asking her to marry me someday assuming everything continues to go well and any major hiccups are resolvable.
One of the reasons I think we've done so well so far are that we early on (before we started dating) found out that we agreed on a lot of major things that are important to a relationship. First of all, she is believing, church-going Christian (Methodist) as am I (Lutheran). I've dated non-believers before and the relationship has worked out very badly both times, thus, faith has become a very important quality to me. We also agree on abstinence until marriage, an extremely rare quality amongst young people nowadays, and that has put both her and my mind at much greater ease as we go along.
In addition, we get along very well together and have quite a few similar interests. We both have the open mind, resourcefulness, and will to make a long distance relationship work for now until we can get closer to each other. And her parents adore me. They're dairy farmers and as such are down-to-earth, genuine people, and they've instilled that in her as well. I've never had so many things going right with someone before.
Ok, sorry for all the lengthy background. The following is why I'm writing this. In obvious contrast to me, my girlfriend is adamantly anti-political. She thinks politics is depressing, she doesn't care for anyone on either side, and she avoids discussing it like the plague. Honestly, I thought I could deal with that. It is depressing, after all, and almost nobody on either side is worth a damn. A while back she let slip that she was undecided who to vote for in this election. Since then I've sporadically tried to point out the reasons to not vote for Obama, even if McCain does suck. I've tried to relay how his policies are going to personally affect both my family and hers. I even suggested that if she just didn't care, she probably shouldn't vote. I became extremely worried as election day approached.
Well, I called her yesterday, and she told me that she did indeed vote. So I asked her for whom because I'd been really wanting to know. She wouldn't tell me. I told her it was important to me, but she still refused. I think it's fairly obvious what that means.
Personally, I'm devastated by this election. I feel like I don't live in the same country anymore. I see a bleak future for anyone who wants to be successful. She, on the other hand, isn't really bothered. She didn't think her vote mattered anyways (it didn't, NY). As she's told me, she just doesn't consider politics an important part of her life and thinks everything's crappy and depressing regardless of who's in power.
She has utter apathy towards it all, and I think yesterday her vote was one of sheer ignorance. You know people like that. They don't realize that the few things they do hear in the news are abject lies. They may be decent people who, if they actually knew a tenth of what someone stood for, would not even consider voting for them. I mean, from what I've mentioned above, I think most of her core values are fairly conservative even if she may not make that connection. I think she's just naive and probably got duped. Her intractability on talking about these things, though, is probably going to make it hard for me to make headway.
So I'm very confused what to think. I was praying really hard she'd vote the right way, and I now I feel sick to my stomach. I love her greatly, and I worry that as I see the awful things planned for this country become reality that I'm going unwillingly connect her with them. I'm trying to chalk it up to apathetic ignorance on her part (which I think it is), but I don't know if that will always keep me placated.
I also will admit that I really don't want to have to face everything alone if it's going to eventually be as bad as we think it is.
Geez, I'm sorry for the long post. I've just been really worked up.
So I'm just asking for some help in figuring things out. I would appreciate if people would refrain from throwaway responses like "just get rid of her" or "get over it" or "suck it up." If anyone is married to someone who doesn't have the same beliefs as they do, I'd be interested in how you make things work. Or if you know people like my girlfriend and have advice on how to gently educate her more about our side. Or if you think I don't need to make a big deal of it, let me know. And if so, what are some ways to cope with it or ignore it or keep it from festering in my mind or what? Or just anything you have to say. I love her, and even after hearing my full out despondency last night, she still says she loves me. I need to sort myself out.
This is not a Lonely Hearts Club. This is an absolutely silly post.
Give her a good scrogging and lay of the politics with her
Well, at least this is a new and different vanity. Sort of kinder and gentler than politics. Would Dear Abby pick up the white courtesy phone.
I also think you're letting your distress over this election color things. I'm distressed, too. I've tried to stay away from people.
America has undergone a change (change!) and a kind of mass Obama hypnosis. I don't think you ought to hold it against her. A lot of people have been seduced.
Is she good looking?
I read through your thread, but didn’t see where you mentioned how old she is, or if she is in school or has a job.
When we first met, my wife “leaned towards the left.” I slowly exposed her to several truths concerning socialism (she was born and raised in Germany).
She is very scared of the Obama administration. She sees it as a repeat of 1930s Germany.
I say dump her, I never could figure out that Carville-Matalin thing. Who needs to come home to that.
GET OFF YOUR KNEES.
Just a suggestion.
We need a photo to determine "guilt."
Sounds like you may have grounds for divorce, so I suggest you get married.
Give her a good rodgering and kick her to the curb!
If agreement over politics is as important to you as agreement over religion and you can’t accept her making shallow political decisions that you wouldn’t make, the relationship if probably going to have problems. Her reluctance to tell you who she voted for and so on also doesn’t sound hopeful. But ultimately, this is about something that’s important to you and she’s shown that she’s willing and able to vote in ways that you’ll disagree with. Either you can accept that (as some other Freepers have, who talk about Democrat-voting spouses) and you should probably just stay away from politics with her or you can’t, in which case it’s probably time to move on. But you’ve got to look into your own heart for that answer. Imagine two scenarios in your mind. A future with her voting for people like Obama and Hillary Clinton or a future without her. Which one bothers you more?
Dump her. You’re too young for this bother anyway. If she voted Obama and won’t tell you, what else isn’t she telling you? Good God she voted Obama! You have to ask what to do?
Go find a good conservative girl and make conservative babies. AFTER you’re married of course!
Give the guy a break. Not silly - just novel!
You said it yourself: you and your girlfriend share the same values.
You’re politically sophisticated, and she isn’t(yet). So you’ll educate her...gently! But if she remains apathetic, let it go.
I’ve cast votes in my callow youth that I now regret. You haven’t?
I thought you were going to tell us she was a screaming lib but you were wild about her anyway, and I would tell you to move on. Instead it sounds like you two are plenty compatible. You’d be a fool to throw away someone with whom you share so much over this issue.
BTW, you should apologize to your girlfriend for hounding her about her vote. It makes you look like a bully.
Mary Matalin and a circumcised snakehead...shudder...
If she did vote for the Obomination, you may want to ask her how he is compatible to Christianity. Ask her about her views on abortion or infanticide, coveting other peoples money. Maybe you don't know her as well as you thought? Or maybe she doesn't think. Some people truly don't think about these things. They REACT to things.
OTOH you have James Carville and Mary Matalin appearing to be happily married. Maybe it's their diametrically opposed views that turns them on? I don't know ... I don know that for my spouse and I our values/beliefs spill over into the political arena and they are the same. We are very compatible.
This is why I question how well do you really know HER. Just what are her values/beliefs? Are they really compatible with yours?
Have you considered calling Dr Laura on this one?
Hey, first act like a man, don’t be a whiner, OK? We don’t like whiners ....
Secondly, it’s good to vent. Perhaps there are people here that can offer good advice ... I can’t. In a guy the first thing I look at is his eyes, then his mouth. If both of them don’t smile, well .....
If you do believe that her vote for Obama was out of ignorance then I believe that your influence after you marry will change that.
However, if you are passionate about politics and feel that you must share it with your spouse, then it may be a good idea to have a sit down with her and explain this. If she loves you and understands and agrees to at least appear mildly interested while you express your passion, then you have a keeper.
If it turns her off so bad that she breaks up, then you have discovered an incurable flaw in your relationship. Move on and find a young Ann Coulter. (and one not so skinny;^)
I did NOT need to see that bald headed idiot. All he needs are horns and he is the anti-Christ.
Her churches are liberal compared with yours, if so. She will still know a fair amount about the Bible, but understand her denomination, especially if she is United Methodist, has come extremely close to approving gay ministers. Read up on it. I expect the United Methodists, from their multiple attempts to pass this internal allowance, will flip to gay ministers within the next couple years.
She has been exposed to stuff that prevents her from truly believing in absolutes when it comes to the Bible. As a result, touchy-feely things will trump logic (Scripture).
This can be worked on over time, though. Also, long-distance relationships from meeting on the internet can work, as I know more than six relationships having initially met from long distances (most from different countries) and seeding very well (not a hint of divorce from any, yet).
You need to tell her how important this is to you, if she truly doesn't otherwise care.
Find out what her view on abortion is, or ask her if she believes any religion except Christianity can make it to Heaven. This will help you know how bad you've got it with her.
I hope for the best with you. Stay pure until marriage, too.
I appreciate your problem. It must be quite disappointing.
But, I think the best thing you can do right now is nothing — give it time. Don’t press your girlfriend on the subject, or try to educate her — later, over time it may be possible, but if you press it now, you may end up damaging a relationship, which could potentially blossom into something later.
Right now you are upset over the election, as are many of us who understand the magnitude of the disaster.
Don’t let your girlfriend’s lack of political understanding add to your concerns.
Just go on and talk about all the other things you talk about, do the things you usually do together, appreciate everything you have in common, avoid politics for a while, then later, in a few months, you can share some points, values, explanations with her on occasion, educating her why she should care.
But, as I said, this is not the time — just get yourself distracted from politics for a while, then time will tell how things will work out, you both have time, no need for major decisions either way.
Best wishes and good luck!
Yeah, a romance novel. I'm not trying to be a cop here but at what point do we call someone out and help them become a more sophisticated FReeper.
I ask you forgive my typos in advance since I am typing from my phone. My hubby was a flaming Klintoon Koolaid drinker when we met almost ten yrs ago. We’ve been married 4 years and discuss politics- we disagree on some things but he at least pays more attention than he used to.
Can’t go into great detail now - phone is hard to type on - but take heart; it can work.
You need to ask yourself how important it is to you to love and marry someone who has a different worldview than you do. It sounds like your are both young, so her opinions may not be fully formed yet, and you can influence her. But if her decision was not fully and thoroughly thought through, you shouldn’t hold it against her. But only you can determine whether or not this issue is something that is a deal killer or not in regards to a permanent relationship. If this is someone you can’t feel comfortable with with these matters, you really need to explore your feeling and come to your own conclusions about it before you make any big jump. Remember though, you can’t control other people, you can’t change other people, only you. You can also love someone who has a different world view, but that doesn’t mean you should make a committment for life to them if it makes you unhappy.
Hope that helps.
I’m pretty sure she is pro-life. You’re right, a lot of people have been fooled. Hopefully, that will be temporary. And yeah, I am staying away from people I know are going to piss me off. Maybe that will keep calm me down. Thanks for your honest opinion.
He’s young. He’s in love. He’s confused. He’s one of us and he’s asking for our help.
I say we give it to him if we can.
Hmmmmmmm.........have you told her that this bothers you? If you cannot communicate openly now, it likely won’t get better.
I think I’d try to, in person, have a heart-to-heart about how important this is to you. If she is apathetic and admittedly uninformed, ask her if she would accept your educating her.
I would lead with the faith that you share since much of politics today is spiritually connected inasmuch as it involves morality, etc.
Help her to understand that individual political decisions are intricately entwined with one’s faith. If her faith is as you say, she may be open to hear you out.
This is a good post. The guy is looking for advice from like-minded people.
I’m married to a liberal-leaning lady.
It’s often very hard to discuss anything political without it turning into a fight. Neither of us was adamant about politics when we met, but Bill Clinton awakened my conservative nature, led me to Free Republic and made me realize how screwed up the perception of conservatism in this country is in popular culture.
I deal with the situation by avoiding discussing politics for the most part which sometimes bothers her, but when we do discuss politics I just get very upset.
It’s not easy so I would suggest getting it out in the open before you commit. You can definitely make it work but you have to know where you stand. I’m bothered by her not telling you her leanings. I suspect that’s a bad thing. Not that she would be a liberal-but that she’s holding back on something important to your peace of mind.
It all depends on what matters the most to you.
If you want to connect on the deepest level, and share the things that are the most important to you, then maybe you can’t with her. It depends on how important your political/worldview is to you.
I personally think the human race is about to be extinct in a few years, probably from nukes, and I know I would not be happy living with somebody who thought the future was all roses. I wouldn’t be able to share my deeper feelings and thoughts.
In order for a relationship to work for the long haul, you have to love each other plus be good friends. Most of your values should be the same. Finally, you have to be able to write things off/overlook things/save being critical for the big things, because no relationship will ever be perfect.
Good luck!
Second: the purpose of marriage is for husband and wife to help each other in their Christian walk and to rear children for whom they provide the first church and the first proclamation of the Love of God in Jesus Christ. If you and your friend reasonable think you can do that, including providing a model for yourselves and your children of two people loving one another while they disagree, then go ahead and marry her. If not, then don't.
She’s three years older than me and currently finishing up her Masters while working on her family farm.
Does one exist anymore? My dear, once conservative, LCMS is racing down the liberal road as fast as the liberal synod president can drive.
I feel sorry for her, frankly, if you'd kick her to the curb because she voted in a way she disagreed with.
According, I’ll share some thoughts with you. I’ve been married to the same woman for almost 30 years and we’ve been through many relationship challenges.
My first thought: It’s hard to reconcile a real Christian walk with voting Democratic in this day and age, plain and simple, and this is an issue I believe should be resolved completely before marriage. If you two talk about your Christian faith—I think all couples should!—what does she say about reconciling her faith with such vehemently anti-Christian politics? That said, it’s true enough that you’d probably have a hard time finding more than a handful of politicians who truly walk the Christian walk. In light of this, I think we must vote for those who at least share principles that are COMPATIBLE with Christianity. Liberalism is not.
If you can get past the above, I STRONGLY urge the two of you to complete a survey that identifies your primary spiritual gift. This is something my wife and I have done recently, and I cannot tell you what a huge difference it has made in really understanding each other, even after so many years of marriage. I’m a Prophet and she’s a Mercy. As a Christian psychologist said, if a non-Mercy has ten emotional antennae, a Mercy (especially a Mercy woman) has ten THOUSAND emotional antennae, BY GOD’S DESIGN. I share this because while my wife does keep up on current events via me, she too is unable to watch politics on a regular basis. A Mercy just feels things with infinitely more intensity than you or I, and the pain of watching our country decline into full Godlessness is too intense for her. Your girlfriend could be a Mercy, and I urge you to find out. Once you find out what your partner is, you can spend a half-hour reading and have SO much more understanding about how they perceive things, why they do or don’t do certain things, etc. You can also learn a lot about compatibility between the different types. (For example, Mercy women are attracted to Prophet men, and according to a very experienced Christian counselor I talked to, fully 60% of his practice is dealing with this combination.)
I urge you to research these issues, and I applaud you for trying to figure out these things NOW instead of after you’re married.
MM
We're devastated too. I wish someone would pinch me and tell me this is a nasty joke. Our emotions are running high.
My best advice to you is to cool off a bit.
Have a “come to Jesus” chat with her and really understand what HER values and beliefs are. If they are NOT compatible to your, geesh - move on! If you are not as compatible as you would like to believe - don't pursue her. Marriage isn't always easy. The honeymoon wears off quickly. Proceed with caution and make sure you know HER.
If she doesn't want to tell you WHO she voted for it most likely was the Obomination and she doesn't want to tell you that. I have no doubt she knows who YOU voted for.
What will her Masters be in?
I’ll FReep you tomorrow afternoon.
It’s an understandable post. My daughter’s going through the sane thing.
She is a liberal......
Get rid of the bitch .
What are you waiting for?
Are you just going to sit back and wonder if she really changed? Good god.....there are a million hot chicks who are conservative and have the same qualities this aimless babe has......stop thinking with your dick...you are not in love.
I don’t really think she leans to the left. I think she doesn’t realize she has quite a few conservative beliefs. You may be right. It may be best to introduce her to things very slowly using her experiences. Her dad beat prostate cancer recently. I probably need to hammer home that if we had nationalized health care already, he may not have been able to get the care he needed.
Thanks for your story; it helps to provide perspective.
You do know, I am sure, that no two individuals in this entire world agree 100% on every single thing in life.
If I were dating (and even in love with) a man who demanded to know who I voted for, and pushed politics (or religion) on me, I would (sadly) have to leave him.
If a man didn’t respect my right to my own opinion, and went to lengths demanding that my thoughts would mirror his, I could not stay with him for one minute (even if I were madly in love with him.)
IMHO, a lasting relationship begins with respect. No relationship will last, if one tries to control the thoughts and actions of the other.
Good luck, guy. (I think there is some maturing in order, before marriage is even remotely considered.)
If she’s three years older than you and a grad student, she’s got a real opinion about politics.
That she doesn’t tell you is probably because she doesn’t want to lose you until someone else better comes along, coupled with that fact that she doesn’t want to hurt you, being rather younger than she is.
something else to think about...if your lady friend was raised like i was, it was considered rude to ask someone how they voted, and it was something no one was expected to answer. :) the thing is, it sounds like you make a good couple, you don't have to enjoy or agree on everything. i am sure she won't keep you from keeping up with the news and reading FR right? so i sort of see it as not a big deal. i don't force my hubby to read FR, he doesn't force me to mess with greasy things under the hood of the car. marriage made in heaven. lol
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