"Attention savages, cavemen, and effete neutered intellectuals of the world: You are now the property of America. Shut up, or we'll shut you up. That is all."
Frowning takes 68 muscles.
Smiling takes 6.
Pulling this trigger takes 2.
I'm lazy.
Posted on 12/18/2009 11:01:09 AM PST by bassmaner
WASHINGTON - After years of world leaders condemning America for overreaching its power, Americans elected their first Imperialist President.
"We do everything we can to help the world, but we're still resented, they call us imperialist pigs," said DC cabbie Albert Shlutnick. "Now they'll see what imperialism is really like."
Americans got a raw taste of its new leadership this morning at the first press briefing with President Hillshire in full form.
The president opened the briefing with shocking news:
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I would like to announce that Iran and North Korea no longer exist. Are there any questions?"
Most in the press sat stonefaced in disbelief, then erupted in laughter as if it were a joke. But the longer Hillshire remained somber, the more they realized he was serious.
"This is a Holocaust of historic proportions," said a BBC news reporter, continuing: "Sir, you are a war criminal."
Hillshire chuckled, replying: "Will somebody get the English accent out of here, I thought we got rid of that after the Tea Party."
As the Secret Service escorted the BBC reporter from the briefing room, Hillshire continued: " If there are any other Europeans in attendance, just remember you'd be a Nazi or a Soviet without America, so just keep brewin' the good beer and keep quiet, maybe we'll leave you alone for now. Are there any other questions?"
"How did you annihilate those countries?" ABC news asked.
"Ah, let's see, we dropped water balloons on them? Come on, I'm not going to reveal operational details. Let's just say we'll soon have satellite imagery showing the new shape of things over there."
"Mr. president, did you notify any other world leaders of your actions?"
"Actually, we did prank-call the Iranian president, we asked him if his refrigerator was running. When he said it was, we said 'not for long,'" the president said.
"What are your future plans?" asked Fox News.
"We're tossing a gigantic tariff on all Chinese imports. We're also diverting all charitable funds that were going overseas to American causes. Many never realized America is the most giving nation in the world, and now we're bringing it back home," Hillshire said.
"Oh, and we've closed the United Nations," Hillshire continued. "After all, it was our idea in the first place. We started it over here, so we can end it."
"Will there be no allies then? No diplomacy?" asked the New York Times.
"Russia and China will remain allies, for now. All the other 'nations' will soon be taxpaying states, or nuked out of existence. To start the process we've retained their ambassadors and delegates as hostages."
The reporters stood in dumbfounded silence.
"Hey don't blame me, the voters put me here. After all, the world dubbed us imperialists the moment we finished pacifying much greater aggressors. Maybe we just needed to remind everyone how restrained we once were," the president said.
"Do you have any words of encouragement for those in the world community?" asked a French journalist.
"Citizens of the world, your first tax bill arrives shortly. Make checks payable to the U.S. Treasury. Oh, and welcome to America," the president said with a wink.
Standard What-If disclaimer: The preceding is pure fiction.
Love it.
If we really were an imperialist nation, we would have kept Cuba, all of Mexico, the Philippines, Panama, Japan, Germany and Italy. Canada would be looking over its shoulder. Daniel Ortega, Hugo Chavez, Evo Morales and Rafael Correa would be peeing their pants instead of spitting on us. And yes, Iran and North Korea would no longer exist.
Ha ha!
The self-fulfilling prophecy so touted by liberals!
“If you CALL a child a criminal, he will grow up to be one!”
Nice. Love it! Great read and so true. If America REALLY wanted to be imperialist, we could easily dominate the world as we saw fit (but not with Whimpy as our president).
"Attention savages, cavemen, and effete neutered intellectuals of the world: You are now the property of America. Shut up, or we'll shut you up. That is all."
It would be fun to see what would have happened in America “Went Roman” —What sort of world would we make if we used our power with Nazi Like abandon? I would bet it would be a better world in many ways.
A real American President could meet with the Chinese and Russians and cut up the earth into spheres of influnce.
We would re-start the Korean War that never really ended. Invade Cuba and bring democracy as a client state of America.
We could order Iran to go democratic, re-enstate the son of the Shah as a Constitutional monarch and—give us the heads of all those aging students who held our diplomats. If they refuse—total war with every weapon we have or can dream up until they give up or the Iranian Nation is history.
We could ask Canada to join the Union, Order Mexico to give us Baja and take back their people. Add democracy to Mexico too—Make English mandatory for the whole earth.
Then we could take on Africa—by getting rid of tyrants like Mugabe in Zimbabwe and invading the place with the help of the Brits and South Africa. Its fun to speculate on an imperial America but—its not our style. To be an Empire a people must be brutal, and willing to bath in blood. We are not that way —at at heart—but if things provoke us—who can say?
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